Empty Love Dreams

2010-10-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

The peaks are glossy and slightly pure,

As the blanched over tops are acquainted and stirred,

Musks of fog rolls over the apex,

Mother Mary shrines without rest,

As seen in cinemas and things forever told,

The stillness of the air creates a chill to the cold.

My hands are numb and the ground is stained,

My heart is covered in the chill of which came,

Sailing in the reserved doubt,

Is it time to huddle inside or open up and shout.

Fireflies are bioluminescent,

Fluttering in the point of pleasant,

With beauty of light and love,

The fireflies ignite as they slowly fall from giving up,

They see the darkness that the world withholds,

To much pain is there to conquer in this cold.

For the peaks are high and mighty now,

If I climb I descend down to the plow,

Where rivers run north and the light is not near,

The critters of beauty have fallen in the clear.

Pink has turned to black in the sky,

As the sun sets amongst the towns waiting to die,

For life has ended for no peace has been found,

The race of the human culture has been extinct due to naught being found.

Here I am standing on the top,

Take me now so the struggling will stop.

2010-09-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have only heard it twice in my life. The words that fill a persons soul with exuberance and luminescent beauty. What are these words though. What can they do when you are filled with drought and hardships. This place is closing in and the vent up above me is creating a draft notwithstanding. Here I stand with but a terse notice of hope. Betrayed by such a sin that lingers down someones throat. The field of dreams has turned into the field of darkness. Adjoining my heart with a negative stimulus. This pain will be gone. Shrouded in the abyss of the apostolic gloom.

I am walking a path unknown and yet the detritus that fills my fingers and my toes as I lean into the ground lets me drink the fickle depths of my life. He told me this path would lead me to a recursive angle to walk down. Over and over I will have to take it in order to see its definitive ways. How my slapdash ways are overcoming me, and my shaking in my skin is sending chills in my veins.

I had this dream when I was younger of a little girl following a wondrous light. The tree of life would be secluded in the distance, and the grass would be tall and mysterious. You would wipe the tips of your fingers on these blades of grass as the slight breeze would fill your strayed hair with warm coats of the suns rays. You would never get to the tree. It would be to far and to much for you to travel to. Then your heart would beat out in the open and above your quilted blankets. I would find myself laying in a lost state of mind, wondering when I would get to that tree. This path is never going to end. I will never be able to extrapolate my dreams and the place I am walking to in reality.

When he said it I couldn't breathe. The outside world seemed to crumble in front of my eyes. I would have grabbed hold of something to support my lose weight but my palms were lined with fear. The pressure to feel anymore had subsided into dust. I could only fall and kneel in a cradled position as I heard echoes of what just happened. No heaven is what I felt. No heaven and no hell, just a place where you must rot with your own derived pain. Seems as though somatesthesia was taking over my stomach. I held onto my rib cage till my warm tears melted into the cold rain that poured over my shoulders. Nothing will be felt till the vindication of my heart swells and collides with what he said.

I am afraid to open my eyes to what there is to really see. I am afraid of being hurt again. I sat there in the cold night till the darkness became darker and the air became colder. When I could not shake and cry any longer I stood up and my body wobbled with an unorthodox feeling. I couldn't open my eyes so I let the night carry me to where I needed to go. Whispers near my side sent chills down my spine. Sweet serenade sent through my impounding pain. I didn't know what is was that told me to keep going but it saved my life. Just a few seconds later the building next to me incinerated in a heap of ash and fire. I got home with not a scratch on my pretty little face, only a broken heart and smeared mascara marks. I will never forget him or this day I told myself.

I climbed in my bed at two in the morning and laid with nothing to feel but remorse for those who lost their lives that night. I felt bad for feeling bad for myself. I only heard those three words twice in my life. " I love you", he said once before. Till he had me crying on my knees begging for no more. I laid in my bed with my quilted sheets huddled over my head. Trying to get to the tree of life once again.

2010-09-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

I can lay here in a puddle of naught,
With little to bare and nothing to sought,
But my heart escalates and inclines to the fault,
Breathing in and out till the humidity exalts.

There are many things I should feel right now..

I can't stay alone anymore,
The tears will fall and the burns will scorn,
A few have brought me to my knees in the last days,
Showed me trust is something not mentioned or even graced,
I yearned for one and he took me apart,
Broke open the vase and left me to starve.

I have only reoccurring thoughts of him and what happened with few,
How my tears fell with my friend holding me in my dew,
I branched into a rage and took it out upon the deceiver,
When the endorphin or revenge was never the reliever.

I found in this last week something I should have found in these last years,
My mourning's for a person to be there with my many intensified fears,
Tolerating such a naive course of mind,
Looking for answers when I will never find.

Last night was the epiphany of lies,
I was down on the grass and could see the echoes from the skies,
The hands around me were praising someone unknown,
With no answers just as I was shown.

But my hear sank in..

It plummeted fifteen feet down the earths crust and didn't come back,
I could only feel my hands clench to the sprinkles in the grass,
The moist undertone of the world below my feet,
The millions shouting and yelling for him to set them free,
As I left my body and was abound to this unknown,
My heart was given back to me- no longer torn.

Somehow the weight of the week before has been driven afar,
Somehow the moment I set foot on that ballpark the yelling was melodic in its par,
Bleeding my eyes to the sky above,
My shaking of loneliness turned into shaking of love.

I knew that with all the mistakes and questions I feel guilty of,
It has been healing in a way,
As I now see the unknown is a something that endows me to feel happier today.

As I laid that night and prayed...under the night sky with the millions of others who gave their life.

2010-08-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

I am not someone you want to associate with,
People say that I can bring you down with many fatal hits,
I have this smile and it is transparent,
Soon the people around me will eventually see my malicious grin,
So many say, that my heart will stay in this black drug,
Feeling so many things till everyone runs from having to much.

What I have tried has not worked,
I looked back on my life and I have always been hurt,
Looking at myself in the mirror till blood would rip off my knuckles,
The reflection was ugly as my world creates an internal hole,
Light comes and it goes, the real me comes back and takes apart,
Limb from limb my bones are left astray,
Its taking over like cancer till the medics get driven away.

Here I am in the back room behind the curtain,
I am old enough to see from right and wrong, but ever since I was little my sight has been dim,
My thoughts have been lost and my voice has been given,
Daily contemplated thoughts of why am I even living,
I want to go and leave so it does not make me want to puke,
My hands shake and my panic attacks never reduce.

There was never a time when I think far into the past,
I was always the child who wanted to grasp,
That shiny plated thing inside that drawer so tight,
Holding myself intently till the pain left the night.

I try to stir clear from huting those I love,
But in the end no one is safe hanging with a ghost,
A soul that wonders and never finds its way,
Only looking for something it will never find with this rancid face,
Long black hair and fair skin so white,
I am not fairy tale, but a hollow spirit in the mourning of her fright.

Take me along with no feet and no hope,
Cause I have tried to long, no meaning to cope,
Reasons to believe I am the hurt of the hurt,
Testaments to be said

2010-08-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

Rake me under and spit me out,
I don't want to feel what your about,
I see all that you are and it hurts me to see,
Contemplating and wondering if you are for me,
Was it meant for me and you,
The moments, the bliss, the things we grew.

You say to not say it because there is no point,
Why say the words when its only toying,
Emotions that will linger and have no where to be,
Not inside of you because you don't want any of me,
But you touch and you feel what you want when you need,
How my heart is building a deeper hole that you are unable to see.

Why do I come back and realize that your the only one in my mind,
Even with this distraction of another, your the only thing that's left to find,
Should I move on and seek a better way,
Is the friendship we have meant to just fade,
Can I still talk to you and see you less then before,
Just a past memory of how happy I was when you were more.

You came to me the other day and held me in your arms,
You came to me the other day and brushed my skin from fear,
You came to me the other day and told me everything I wanted to hear,
You came to me and you gave me your soul,
You came to me, but what an illusion it was to such fool.
You came to me and I should have known,
You came to me and your wicked ways finally shown.

Now today you came and your eyes were distant,
They said little and could only nod to my appearance,
No heart no mourn, just a devilish look in your eyes,
You said you cared and needed a friends advise,
But as you spoke of her my heart sunk,
I wanted you to feel joy but hearing stung,
It hurt to know you have moved on,
Because I wouldn't know that feeling, I wish it were wrong.

I wish your face and aura were a distant past,
In some part I wish our friendship would not outlast,
I don't feel well and need some air,
What your doing to my heart is not fair.

You look at me and still lust over my beauty,
I know you wanted more- you knew me,
But now I see you needed something more,
You needed a person and not time,
You needed to let me be as you carried on with your life.

I am okay and I don't care,
That's what I keep saying till it feels like its fair,
Till that day you stroked me with your hands,
Can evade someone elses mind - I want nothing of this man!

I want no more of this feeling that god gave me,
The love for someone else as he barely even cared I breathe,
I hope that someday the people have caused pain,
Will see the things they slipped away in vain.

I am going to have to get over this to,
So I am able to have feelings for another who will undo.

2010-08-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

There is such a thing as a desolate place. Where no one has heard of your name or even your existence. I have seen you though. I know you are alive and I kinda want to go to that empty drafty place. No one will know and I promise you this, no one will know when I vanish you from my mind. No one will know when you are erased and brought to the desert of no return. I will give you no nourishment or gratitude of meeting you before. I will let you rot till the flower you once said you met turns into a molted crud of nothing. You knew this. You knew I was bad news, so why try to make me into a dream. Why try and make me into what you want to believe. I am going to delete you and never let you come back. This is my land of forgotten and lost. This is my land that you will never explore.

Its hypocritical for me to start feeling once again. The cover of the canopies would crumble in October, but would lust in a black heap in this hot August. You are going to leave and nothing will salvage for me to feel like how I want it to. I will still be sitting here wondering where the hell you went? You are like a magnet that pulls and pushes, I can never get a connection to where it will stay . Its not aparent to me to what it is your doing. Why can I see the disaster before it happens. Why does the nightmares come during the day now and not as much in the night. The night is something like a death run. Where I must literally drink a mile to get you out of my mind. I'll write to you...? I'll talk to you..? I'll be waiting..? I'll be hurting..!

I'll be hurting...!
I'll be feeling...!
I'll be slowly dying...!

I peal my eyes and render myself alone in a garden now. When you left before I was okay. I made a spot for myself to hide in. To convince you were gone. You are back and will be gone again. The garden will overcome me. It will stain my skin in its green thorns and my blood will purify in the majestic zephyr. I will sleep with my mind at ease as the only thing I will think about is the petunias that sliver my nostrils in its intoxicating aromas. I will shed my tears to the silver rain drops and it will evaporate and cease to be. Yesterday was nothing, just as that notable body I once called friend.

I'll be over..!
I'll be done..!
I'll be free...!

The security in a persons mind is that each and every single person needs an attachments. This is a stage where you can only battle till you either die or erase to a desolate place.

I don't love, I give my soul. So don't tell me you love me unless you want me to give it all up.

2010-08-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

My hair is being pulled with every white particle it contains as the echoes of the birds fly amongst the placid looks I give. I felt it. I felt as the whole world was crashing and building. It heard and it ignored. The tall walls between the corridors of nothing. The gargoyle above the aluminum door knob. I could see through the black hunt in the wolfs eyes. I could see the darkness that riddled my fingers and suffered my veins. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the whole world crash and evolve around the darkness I exuded. Then I crashed with it...

I took both hands and smelled the mud in my hair. I awoke and could see the bright zeal that ran across each face of the night ghouls. I was never scared of them, I was scared of the pressure inside. The pressure that would escalate and suddenly implode. Taking the deepest breath an being could inhale, I could taste the smudge taste of defeat.

I lift up my limp body and let my lifeless legs carry towards the gravity it gave. I pealed my eyes so it could see the struggle. I spit out gunk that sat in my throat for about a week. I was ready for the shit to come already. I was ready for it to hit me and this time... not ricochet. I can handle this. The lights not turned on and I don't ever want it to be, I want it to hurt in the blackness. I want to feel.

I was biting my lips intently as the rain poured on the crevices that were dry. I can see my place to conquer. I can see my place of defeat. Take me!

I bled my hands near my sides and my head tilted back in the moment of despair. I felt as the hands wrapped around the bones in my hips. I can feel the gnawin of the fingers cutting outside of my skin. The trees surrounded me and the night ruled me. I am changing and I don't care... it feels like how it is suppose to be.

Breathing with no way to inhale, the breath locked in on mine. It sealed its clothes against mine as my bare body trembled. I was falling. I fell fast and deep into the arms of the dark. Hands welted over my lips and tipped my head with easy force. It felt how I knew it would.

Then my pupils became smaller as the fingers left astray. The lips of something never known but always there locked onto mine. It tasted with a slight sting of menthol and iron. I enjoyed the addiction I was getting from this. I enjoyed the pain. I enjoyed the death I was receiving. Wrapping my neck in ropes and wire while my heart slowly collided with the reaper. I smiled under the pain and could see he was smiling to. He was smiling at my struggle and the hardship of containing myself away from this.

The darkness riddled my fingers now, and his touch was embedded in my skin for eternity. Scars to mark where they were. I would go over them twice to remember how I enjoyed it. How I enjoyed having made love to someone who made me feel suffocation.

I felt the whole world crashing, and then I fell with it.
The birds devour my carcass now.

2010-08-02T23:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe this enough, maybe I can set free,
Look there is light behind that tree,
Not the cycle I thought would never end,
I can be okay with just a friend or no friend.

Yeah I have problems.. but don't we all,
Can't we just accept that I am smaller and you are tall,
I understand that these times are hard,
I can see that my face is soaked in my tears from last night,
But shoot, I am tired of feeling this fight.

I can't grasp or contradict what you spewed
What you had said because it was true,
I was a whore and I was a slut,
I was a home wrecker and I couldn't get enough,
But did you know I got over and am different now,
Did you know that the person I am is forgiven by him somehow.

I laughed today and I smiled a smile,
Not for anybody saying that it will be okay, but that it will take a while,
Take some time to get over you,
Take some time to heal the pain I chewed,
I can taste the blood no more,
Because the skin has nothing to mourn.

I don't want to see you because I know it would hurt,
So I now know the feeling is lost and churned,
The mixture has spread from solid to soft,
My heart has gone from rock to cloth,
I am fragile and I know this well,
But why sit and think of the stories to tell.

I am over and I am done,
Thank you god for believing that I could overcome,
This was not easy and still I need some time,
But the day will come when that special someone will be mine.

I understand and am happy with the present,
The pain will subside and the memories will lessen.

2010-07-30T16:03:00.000-07:00

I am going to take my body apart with one organ at a time,
While I see faces and they have a lack of life to find,
Such begrudging innocence that embodies each soul,
My ears will be the first to take tole.

I don't want to perceive what people have to say,
The endless guiltless things that they tend to portray,
What bull they must try to aver,
I don't want to listen, I don't want to hear.

There is the cold and the dark that withholds,
People feel the pain but they listen to what their told,
Don't believe in this, and don't do that,
How long will the happiness conquer and last.

My hands and feet have had enough,
I don't want to feel or walk towards what I must,
The world is like sand paper and its to hard for my skin,
Full of evil and full of adjoining sin.

What are you and how are you different,
Your like the rest just a little bent,
Your mind is warped and you follow the others,
I don't trust you or any other.

I have no need for these eyes that see,
The destruction of the human race as they continuously bleed,
I can't seem to get the fog out of my view,
Because people won't budge or move.

I liked you and liked the one before,
I had friends and family, but what for,
The needing pain that renders at my veins,
Do I want to feel the pleasured drain.

LASTLY, the heart is the disease I want nothing more,
The pounding insanity that cradles my scorn,
The wanting of your attention and the birth spot of affection,
The death hole of fixation and feelings,
The narcissistic pain of personified dealings.

People are my enemy as well as this ungenerous world,
I will let out my pain till my heart unfurls,
Take my body and do what you like,
Before the blood fills your floor and you cry a fightless fight.

I am not what you think and I am not who I am,
I wished the world were colder and would fall to the damned.

2010-07-24T22:18:00.001-07:00

Were you just a dream I conjured up,
Something that I once held and now helps me drown myself in this tub,
With forged words that I implied,
Will it come a day, where I feel normal or alive.

I shake from the treatment that was given,
Three pills and a drink to drown my living,
What happened in these moments I was blind,
You took me and I trusted with no chances to survive.

I was brilliant and now I am dull,
With darkness that haunts my soul,
I look at a person and fade right through,
Not knowing what they said, while dampening places of you.

This air is thick and inplaced with layers,
Trying to keep myself busy with the silence that blares,
I licked my wounds dry with salt,
So I can taste the cycle you exalt.

I am under and never over,
I wanted you so much, but your less of a lover,
Nothing will change and nothing will come,
I will be in this state of always being shunned.

Save me from what is eating me inside,
I have no place to turn from the feelings you keep trying to die.

Just a dream, just a moment,
Just a time when I felt atonement.

2010-07-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

Fastening my belt to the loop that clings onto my hips. I feel the belt tighten around as I suck in the anguish from yesterday and my ribs roll inside my chest. I look in the mirror at 8:00 am and let myself soak in what I am to myself. I wipe my eyes with a moist cloth and hide my blue circles with white. The lips will be red and the lines I hide under will be black( the way I feel).

Today won't be different but mildly unknown. I only get exited for the anticipation for my car now. Maybe because my car can take my mind off things. I have to concentrate on the road and what is in front of me. When I am not in my car there is to much in front of me or nothing what so ever. I get to confused with everything, but with the music in my car I can let it fall off my hands and onto the wheel. Let whatever I am holding in onto the rage that escalates as I move and swerve between lanes. I am out of limits and beyond a destined point.

Today I was sitting in a room, I won't tell you where but it was a room. I sat there and could hear the bands playing and the load voices and millions of gossip and stares at one another. I could feel tension in some people and hope in others. I was in my own world I guess you would say. I didn't notice to much but could feel like the clamminess in my palms was me getting ready to explode inside. I am so unsure about myself( whether or not I am crazy). I let my mind calm itself with the tapping of my foot. I let myself focus on anything but myself. Then I noticed what makes me calm. Watching another person groom someone. I watched as this little girl tried to do another girls hair. She tugged and pulled on her golden locks. It was so cute first off, but the softness from a child's hand to another person is unlike anything. I let myself forget what was around me and fell down a path of no return.

I have been reading many books lately, scouring something that will give me answers to my life. There was a book that once read that a person who is autistic had more of a sense of what is going on in their world then a person who has no disability. They see the world with their eyes and not others. It is not our fault though, we were made to feel sympathy and depression. It is just the way we were built. I can't help to wonder why the day must always seem so much easier then night though. Why the thoughts from the day accumulate to expand at the end till the room is to full to be in anymore. My room is always a mess to begin with, and with all the other stuff from the day- I am surprise it has anymore room for me in it.

I hope my days on the train will be gone, and the songs I used to listen to will have no backlash memory. I want to be a blank slate again. Yet the colors have already molded and mixed, there is no way to get it back to just white.

I look at myself in the mirror again, 12:46 pm... I am not the same person as I was this morning. Today was different. Today I changed.

2010-07-19T20:32:00.001-07:00

The year is at a confession. Many people I see are balancing their lives out on love. Love is a pure word full of passion and intensity. It conquers with death and romance. It helps and soothes. I have seen the end of many though. Where one must overcome and take on what the storm will give. Will the storm ever subside and let your mind walk to the tree of innocence once again? Will you let yourself lay down the battle and let your hands fly between the blades of grass to feel the pain rush with one instant. I see it, and it is getting close..... but obstacles come in my bound.

Dark master in the shadow with head down low,
Your mind sets trail with things I don't know,
With the settle of the chill and the howling of the night,
You come to hold me in your fright.

Will the pain we both endure make us better,
The storm comes near and the drought makes it wetter,
My clothes are soaked and my mind is at fault,
Will I fall for the darkness that renders in the forest so tall.

Bury me now with your dirt and grime,
I will hope that this other will save me some time,
Am I battling with something inside my head,
Trying to make it better with other creatures instead.

Your a monster and I knew this from the beginning,
But maybe I am attracted to help you start relieving,
The pain you have had is still there and you deny it still,
The darkest monster needs someone to help kill.

Kill the pain that aggravates him inside,
Kill the heart that he claims is still fine,
But you need and I need to help kill the pain that the darkness holds close,
Needing for the darkness to devour and eat what it rose.

It rose something that you and I can't kill all alone,
That is why I am here to help the storm wonder on home.

Monster you can stay, as for the creatures... they are my prey.

2010-07-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

The abstemious sensations more otherwise corrected as a healed touch abides in a forest of remembrance. Deep in the dreaded locks of on going preludes of the heart I follow it there daily. Where the clanking implosions intensify when I recollect such images. Fasting on a diet of you, shall I move forward to the motions that pass though......faster and faster it nails in my skull and clamps on my heart. My feet move down the slide of the floor, with less friction then ever before.

I am bare foot upon where I lead and still I feel the magnifying leash that knots a force upon your veins. Where sketching is apart like no other and I see where the trail leads up your arm and down your spine. The damp apothic bleed that stings in your unawakened eyes latched me in your mission. To take what you always knew you had and let it lose to the moon you say is thus the most beautiful. I should have listened, you told me you were dangerous. Was it the venture I was seeking, the power you may have a hold of me. The rush you would make me feel as you ravaged me in your hands and throw me with no carefulness to the next destined point. Is it this that I am afraid and yet my heart needs to feel... the collapsing risk that sure will fail.

I am anchoring my lungs and letting my hands lose on your chest. It needs to set free in your clutch once more. Maybe to feel that the pain we both share can be equal in some deformed and hypocritical way. We can never be one but only acquaintances of the loneliness every soul feels every now and then. To comfort in need and assurance of hope if asked. This will only cause more disaster, but maybe in the end you can be part of my dying heart.

He lays with me till I sleep, then says see you and never goodbye.

" Goodbye causes the heart to mourn, holding ones hand and letting go is all you can do to keep the pain subsided. "

2010-07-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

I am down here now...

I can't see any visibility, it has lost its meaning. I wish I could grab a hold of what I had but never have found. The days run into each other now, there is no movement only thoughts that collide. I don't want you to know my secret, but yet the world seems to know. It hurts you know. To feel alone sometimes. To feel as if you have so much potential and people say it, but you don't feel it. You see happiness so far away, but so close around you.

The dark climbs over my body sometimes. It creeps without me even knowing. I sit for hours contemplating on what to do, and then the darkness comes. It has become me now. I don't see you and I don't see me, I only see what the world see's. I see how I come home and try not to think of the pain but yet it escalates off my head and into my heart. Driving my veins to feel as if they need some kind of pressure to release the intolerable boundary I am making. Once and a while I see it, I see happiness lining itself to get shot. I feel the way I smile and my mind says it will not last, it will only stay till the darkness comes.... as I will not even notice.

The pillow will suphocate my thoughts..till I can't breathe anymore. Till I can only feel the little clutch of my hands as it wraps around the corners of the bed frame. I will think of the place with the nice two acre field. Before I felt as if I needed to be happy with the touch of someone else. I could just have the scent of fresh air and the tree's stand tall above my eyes. I would lay till night fall and do the same the next day. I wish I could replace what my thoughts are now.

I am coming down a lonely road and it was made to be kicked and blazed over. It was meant to be told what to do and what to feel. It was told to be confused and painfully missused. I heard things and I have done worse. I am the person I am and I have tried to change my ways. I can't stand the crying late at night. I can't stand the vacanct room with silence. I can't stand walking alone in the day. I can't stand...... everything.

Goodnight my thoughts for today.. Goodnight the pain that won't go away.

Dim

2010-07-03T15:13:00.001-07:00

The skies can part now,
The music can die,
The heart can stop pumping,
The words can stop coming.

With every breath and every move,
With all the tries and wanting you,
Would you have come would you have stayed,
Maybe took the time time to wait.

On the line and wondering lost,
Little hope comes with great cost,
Back and forth you come and go,
Would it be better for me to move on then willow.

My eyes are tired and need some rest,
The day you said you would be here never exists,
Trails of promises and unknown touches,
Take there own world, maybe this should be enough,
Before heart ache appears and the mend will be to much.

Sixth month will be all there will be,
I tried and the farther I went the less I was able to see,
The moment I was flattered was the moment my life was altered,
Me going on from this was hard to comprehend and to easily hurt.

This is it and this will be done,
I give you my farewell as I am honest and blunt,
It hurts to see your face and hear your voice anymore,
I don't know the reasons I came into this, or what you absence was for.

Maybe being blind is not a condition or thing inherited,
Its a thing discovered when you think you have dated.

2010-07-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

I know you are there under the thistle of the moon. The corpse of the darkness between the light of the night hits the weakness of my nerves. The little points in my blood and skin that signal a new point. One by one you see me pluck the pedals off of the rose, and you know this is where we begin and must end.

Smoke arises and simmers in the hot dew air, the laughter sinks deep inside our souls. The white texture hits my cheek and you look between both eyes and see not a person but something beyond my comprehension. It is a quarter past the hour and the deep dreading clock ticks till it falls off the wood screws it holds dearly to. You seek me with your eyes and I know you are there at my fingertips. I just let the air take me along for the ride and know this will never last. My salmon colored dress ripples in the sun and the smoke smothers its lace silhouette. I hold my hands on the counter and you take one and say that there is more then meets the eye, walking away with not knowing what you meant.

Sitting with the flies hovering in every which direction, I am not going to let you get to me. I am going to stay focused and not care if I feel an attraction towards you, I won't care if you try and talk, I won't care if you feel an anticipated interest towards me. So I will sit and let the hot humid air sink in my skin and my hands will wrap tightly around the chilled drink. You will not get to me. I have the power and you will not let the pedals fall onto my heart. I will pluck the last pedal.

I dream of the days when it was good, when I had someone like that. Who wanted me everyday and no one else. Do I want that again? NO!

The day is getting long and the songs are getting old. I let the relaxation of the drink take its course and let the air hold my eyes heavy. He comes near and I am unamused. He tells me of his passions and his life, I only peak. He tells me his tribulations and faults, I look. He tells me of how I need to never search and need to find someone who will respect me, I gaze. He tells me that life can be hard but to keep reaching for my dreams no matter what it takes, I lean over. He tells me that he has not met another person like him like me, I agree.

I let him take the last pedal, and was left with just the stem. I let my guard down but learned through all the smoke there is a light that will shine through sometimes. I just have to wait and be patient.

2010-06-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

I remember everything, even when I try to kill it away. I remember the day I smiled and it folded inside a broken home. Repairing my thoughts will take the change of time, I don't have that kind of time. So here I go, tearing out the page I read a hundred times over. Restating an argument will never please the raped soul, but the air will shake a rancid heart.

The dusted corpse background lays out over the red sun, and I hold my hands inside my lonesome blouse, just to make sure it is still going. My body odor is penetrating my lungs with the heat of days. My skin is clammy and my eyes are invisible. They see stuff but what is there to see when the sun makes me blind of my own mind. The forty days I have been on this path has been nothing of a recovery. Why is it that the wind has the power to make me cry, but the sun has me failing and wanting to die? The man in the hills stays up there to feel a mediated breath. The brushes and branches of green and blue blend into his figure. I can see him lifting his hands up in the skies and screaming his pain. The man takes him empire in his hands and lets the hurt release. I envy the man in the hills.

Broken thoughts that won't relieve, I can climb my own corpse till it bleeds. The sweetest taste is the honey of the new day, and the honey has been dirt with water. It feels like my mouth has been forced unto the dirt I must eat. No rivers will flow inside my throat, only the anticipated trickles of hail.

I have fallen in love twice and both have ended abruptly and painfully. There was no success with the second try you always plead upon. The man in the hills has received the pain of many and still keeps on releasing and exhaling the toxins that appear. Love is suppose to make the world come together, and yet the lover of your choice is farther right then wrong. Make me tangle in the vines of flea, and mark it as a pampered punishment. The sun will rage over my heart and the winds will make me cry.

Take my hand because my pulse will lose its purpose and my tears will lose there clutch,
I will want to keep going, but the pain thrives within your touch.

I fall over and my heart takes the last balance it can persevere. I tremble for a few moments and watch the hills as the man walks far away. I see and feel the vapors in my breath fall loosely to my shoulders. My muscles are lightening and my jaw falls near my chest as my last breath is released. I let my fingers feel the dirt I eat and my eyes get heavy as they engulf my nightmares and dreams.

2010-06-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

It dispirits with fatal ease when the rise comes close,
Retiring like a dragonfly that has lost its wings,
Inhaling and gulping down the last atmospheric dose,
Letting the realization that the world owes you naught of things.

When you take what you had and take what is now, do you have what you wished,
Was it more then what you reminisced,
I think the day you said you would be alright,
Content with what the masked man said through your window at night,
Did the person take your heart and burn your trust,
Did life turn steady or was the adrenalin not enough rush.

My eyes see things that seem to be true,
But when I look again the things I have seen withdrew,
They dissipate and never come back,
Not the same, just red and black.

What can I say that will make it transpire into something with meaning,
Not the lonesome heart that cuddles with grieving,
Take my hands and see what this is,
A blank outline, an erased canvas.

I will long no more and cry my last cry,
Just keep my in my coping till its clean and dry,
Rock me to sleep old moon and gleaming stars,
Take me to the far east in Myanmar.

2010-06-20T23:53:00.000-07:00

Why does it flood in and out,
The fire is built up from grounds that will fall soon,
I have no bucket to let it out,
I am going to fall with it and won't have time to shout.

This is the pain I was talking about before,
When you feel you have no one and are hugging yourself next to the door,
I wish someone would see that I am a person to,
Not take me for granted and misuse.

Oh, how it kills me inside to see the on going fire,
My life turn to ashes and my passions flicker out,
I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.

Where you are is not where I am now,
I sink down low and see the dark prowl,
I close my eyes and hope it will all go away,
But when I open the pain still likes to stay.

Please fire go out and don't come back,
I will always be like this because people will always give me crap,
It will not be the world that takes me out in the end,
It will be the tug and scorch from the fire within.

The pain from the burn that hurts my soul,
Cries and tears that cover and unfold,
Where can I go to let my heart take mount,
I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.

I look for things to satisfy my pain,
But in the end there is nothing that can come from it to gain,
I only burn so much more inside that I can't lift from my knees,
I pray to god, PLEASE GOD PLEASE!

Where can I go to feel whole again,
What did I do wrong that made this life I live a sin,
I think no one cares who I am anymore,
I live alone in a room full of scorn.

I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.
No one will give me water to put the pain I am in out.

2010-06-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

I poured a soul inside something that was empty,
The particles of it blended amongst the plenty,
It went past the volumes of blood that filled to the bridge,
Through the chords and tissues that surrendered to it.

With pillows of lungs to suck in the pull,
Boundless barricades it would make full,
The water that rushed through two quarters of your mass,
Plowing with power and forcing like brass.

Laying down the dark is upon,
Hands tingle with the sensation of it being drawn,
The puffs of air that you exhale and see,
The drifts of motion shakes inside to be free.

It reaches and your body paralyzes with milliseconds to spare,
The carbons come with and and your eyes see it there,
Flashes of life lifts beyond apprehension,
Through the dark it floats without remorse,
With a swift movement its off to a new course.

Past the building and amongst the laughing strangers,
They feel the chill that it gives as it lingers,
The allergies they say as the tears roll off their cheeks in its wind,
Making the people feel the pain as it touches them.

The soul remains back above where it briskly drifts away,
Until I pour another soul in hope that it will someday stay.

My soul is weak,
My soul is hurt,
But I wish for it to heal,
So I am able to feel.

2010-06-16T15:34:00.000-07:00

Shall you sustain all your efforts on people, or the good of people? Shall god sustain all his efforts on making right, or making the people see righteous? To yearn is to desire strongly and persistently.. that's how I feel about god.

2010-06-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

Blue night sky is heading on down, miles are to far,
Its growing up that takes half as much time as knowing to do it,
Treasures I find are losing their shine,
I am chained and unable to find,
My dreams seem to fade with people who take,
My heart is given with this simple serenade.

She looks at me and says that I am different,
Who is she different from the rest that say the same,
I wish for the day when others will not blame,
Courage and honesty takes a lot to confess,
But not the jealousy that will undress.

Is there real or is there fake, love is pure or is it slayed,
Take the knife and cut it down, the tree of love will make no sound,
I give so much and get nothing in return,
Just the awful incinerating burn.

Here I go once again,
Down a lonely path made for one,
I will stay near my children and seek a face in the sun,
The only face that can take me to my light,
Asking it why, when, where, for a bit of insight,

I will let the wind carry me now,
I will let my hands stray aside,
Let my cries bury in the sand,
Let my heart burst into something new,
Because this old one keeps thinking of the people who take,
The people who want something but never thank,
Why wonder anymore,
I should know what they are here for.

Achromatic blue night skies,
Day is done and everyone is gone now,
I don't have trash that they left,
Only marks of their fingerprints on dirty cups,
I will wash them till they shine,
Till I don't feel their presence no more,
Till the meaning of them is dismantled and gone,
I can finally say, so long.

I have stuff to reveal and things that are hidden,
People seem to forget that I am not a normal person,
I have a past that holds me back,
I have responsibilities that will forever last,
I am not a kid and will not succumb to childish ways,
The blue night skies are here, and I long driven through those days.

I have fallen in love and been spit out,
I have had friends who thought they knew me but got to scared,
I know more then what they think,
I know why they leave and believe,
Time will get them far and keep them going,
But time is the essence of not really showing,
They are slipping and falling through cracks,
Their days of fun will not last.

No more surprises and no more pain,
I have been through this and the blue skies are beginning to rain,
I will take my kids and leave from here,
Till the pain will subside and the cries will only be a tear.

I scream for joy that I found out,
That people are not what I am all about.

Blue night sky, take me home.

2010-06-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

What is the bottom of the gun, with ash and dust that create a blur,
Words filled the air and expose a man undone from his musky beard,
Take down a flag and fill it with love he says,
Why should love be filled in a flag that has no meaning and praise,
With not enough tears to unfold between its creases,
And not enough weight to bear down all the problems that the atmosphere consists,
I could sit down and start with a " because", but the paper would become a list.

Lacking experience you can not say,
Wouldn't a controversy start this way,
With my heart on your face, I could walk far but you'd still have my disgrace,
My life was made in a book long before,
With paragraphs now missing and pages now torn,
" Why can't you see that this world is all the same?"
I looked at the man who said I was drained,
I knew my soggy eyes were down in pain,
But how could he say that the world was all insane.

I said I am hurt and it comes and goes,
The man looked unamused and said everyone knows,
Is it true when you are down many can see it upon your frown,
The blue circles you round your body in,
Floods your soul in things you begin but always end.

I say what is left to lose when I have done enough,
Failing is my problem and my trying is rough,
" I think you took my words in different means."
The man said with a grin of many things,
He spoke to me and dawn apeared at what he said,
The words unraveled with what he blessed.

I let the beauty that never fades flicker in my heart so wide,
I know I make things harder for myself sometimes,
But it is alright to keep thinking beyond what you may say,
The man with beard was right in his ways.

The world is all the same.

" This is just a moment when things will get hard,
but it is the devil trying to take you from the things you were meant for."

I knew this long before,
But with the mans wisdom in his voice, it just meant more.

2010-06-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

What is the point in being beautiful when you have no true friends,
I fend for myself and learn that people can be different,
Often times I let my heart get caught in a hunt,
The pain is stepped on with people who want fun,
What can I do when I am left with little words to say,
Abused and controlled till my very last day.

I sing when I am underneath it all,
The flood of feelings that trouble my soul,
Will I find a lover that keeps me without wrangling my intentions,
Will I find a friend that wants me for my creations,
I swing by and see simple sentences that never have a period at the end,
Just me dangling over, holding on to fend.

I give my everything to people I love,
But my heart still collapses, and it's still not enough,
There is a figure in the doorway,
Telling me to go away,
I told him I still want to see life and I still want to see tomorrow,
He tells me no one would want me, why should I follow.

Is this what I get for the mistakes I have made,
Is this what happens to people that have hopeless fates,
Dreams fallen and thrown to the curb,
Prayers unanswered and unheard.

I want to cry and will not fake this smile no more,
I lost myself and feel hopless and torn.

Something will grab a hold of me eventually,
But maybe the things people say are true,
I am a person lost never knowing what to do.

noncurrent

2010-05-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

Why should this day be lamentable with slow motion clocks,
Scenery ephemeral with naught to be sought,
I tasted your fire and as it cauterized my tissues,
Deep dark pain in a place to feel misused.

With you I am engulfed in ashes and dust,
I have to give it my all or surely I will combust,
I want no more surprises or guilty phases,
Seeing death through all your faces.

Violent lust, tears my pages that singe at my motive,
Walking apart from the torn muscles, you lack to notice,
Smooth sounds scream their way through,
Boards are black inside a empty sun endued.

You grab my hand and swing it near,
I feel pressure of the beguiled kiss you made dear,
And falling back you let me drift close,
On fields of dreams you arose.

I was alone and broke down a lot,
Felt my hands cry and my heart grow a clot,
Till the pain subsided and you told me you were it,
The person to be here when depression hit.

I hope we never get separated and keep running on,
Keeping together through the darkest nights and brightest dawns.

The clocks turned back and I had one more chance,
To be inside your heart and for us to lock hands.

Eyes

2010-05-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

When I see you all I need is hope,
That someday there will be a time when I can see torrents fill the skies,
The skies will be drunk with depth and pain,
Then just as the sun does, it will evade and destroy the rain,
But yet my words are taken away from me,
And you take them in your own godly greed.

With many things flying by, will one get caught and stay upon my cloth,
Wrapped on my string and bring hope before I get lost,
I let the decreasing amounts of desire let loose on my eyes,
The more and more I distinguish a lust, the rush is full upon the skies.

I am breaking piece..

by piece..

and hands over my knees.

I will let out my anguish when this is all no more,
For my love will disappear and my heart will be torn,
I know that this will not last like all the rest,
Piece by piece the pain will invest.

I think I have a problem,
It may be you and it may be me,
It may be the many I give into and seek.

Why are lessons hard to learn,
Why can't I compare from what I have been through,
And thoroughly realize and discern,
What love feels like when it is lost and spewed.

Take me away from your skies,
The sun will come and open your eyes.

This is not a person for you,
They will hurt you like the rest you placed unto.

Piece by piece and lust by lust,
This could be the end, but I can never say enough.

Sphere

2010-05-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

Take these tips and make it slide down your back,
Feel the pain I feel and yours that collapsed,
On hardened grounds that fall through a trap,
The pillows are gone and the plummet will crack,
My hands will not catch and it will hurt,
Plead for me not, for I will be pure.

I know this takes me a long time to figure out,
When will I be in love when there is to much to surround,
Why can't I be alone every now and then,
Is it silence that lengthens my pen,
This is the day when I see you in my head,
Making me feel longful and mislead.

I cried hours tonight and the sheets are drowning with me,
Finding my way to a land where I can stand,
Can only be permitted if I take your despised hand,
I want to get lost and take a walk where no one has conquest,
Where I can feel the true feelings of my heart undressed.

I live somewhere I know you don't know of,
You can not see through this spherical of love,
That is to deep for you to break apart,
For many have broken and crumbled my heart.

It has used its genes to create a plaster effect,
Layers and layers to deflect,
The death of my life has been long gone,
Why try to take my breath away,
When it has already been done.

I know that you are the love of my life,
But why should I give in when my heart will never feel right.

The vision

2010-05-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

Lifting up like a lifeless leaf that floats down a river,
The trees play with my lashes that quiver,
Soft rotten dirt lays under my bosom,
Can you see the image that glooms,
Sets me in this patch and rides me to detatch,
Ground and trees get far,
My life passes by and this is where it starts.

Thinking this will just dissipate and come back as my ceiling,
With my sleep deprived mind and disbelieving,
Why is the greens turning away to my pulse,
Faster ... faster.. it is torched,
When will the clouds come and Eden appear once more,
Take me with one and pray for this scorn.

I see the people and they are burning under this fire,
Incinerating with there skin inside the heart of this deep,
Take my hand and maybe they will live,
But my feet are stuck as well, why can't I give,
The trees are closing in and my hope is becoming inflamed,
Feeling all that they feel... all of their pain.

But the cold is coming forth,
Would this be okay.. for them to be rescued from this curse,
I see the light and it shines on through,
The screams they are creating are renewed,
Given this last chance to show how much they hurt,
With every bark and every leaf upon what they churn.

They burned because of the pain that they gave,
The light shone... but nothing was saved.

Lone

2010-05-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

How much it has been hard, the blank expressions that faze,
Walking slower and slower down this rummaged hall,
Making my power to this pain fall.

This simple door will be an opening to your dreams,
What if I open and my body is diseased,
My ends are tied and my heart abides,
Been around the block and seen how it is to die,
But I am at peace and disturb me you'll try.

Cleansing all this pain will take a packet of rocket salt,
To burn the change that will exalt,
God this has been a landslide,
But prelude this kiss will hide,
Wounds dig deep to make blind.

I liked it when I had a place to keep my thoughts,
But being alone makes me feel lost,
Can I cope with but a lantern and a whisper,
Making sure that the darkness won't entrance my imaginary visitor.

I know this makes no sense to you,
How much pain I usually go through,
But its here and it stays,
So kiss me goodnight and make it go away.

2010-05-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

Here she is...

The room is wide with a draft from above, 18 inches across and 20 inches long were the vents perimeter. When I entered I felt an imbalance, as if you were walking down a long hallway and began to feel light headed. I let the room carry me to her. I sat down near a sweater that wasn't mine. She had shorter hair then me and looked quite pale at this point. Her elf like features gave her a surreal sort of beauty. The beauty was fading though. It only made me wonder what gods intentions were for this child. Why did he let her be here on this molted ball we call earth. What was his point?

" Why do you have lipstick on?" she yelled across the yard.
I looked at her with a curiosity at her remark, I said my lips were made that way from eating to many choke berry's. She asked what they were, but I said they don't have anymore. In truth they really didn't have them anymore, they were only seasoned in my days. I grabbed her hand with a twirl of her hair accross my forearm and took her inside the house.

She was one of those children that would stare at you with an innocent smirk. As if you had something on your face but really they just wanted to get a reaction out of you. It was different with Aeriel though. She would look at you and smile, then when she got tired of staring she would hug you. I thought her actions and the way she gave you those hugs was so angelic of her.

Aeriel is an orphan. I met her seven months ago. She is nine years old and has a condition. I knew she had this condition to begin with, but there was this aura inside her eyes that I just wanted to be a part of. When I adopted her I was given instructions and for warning that she may not make it past a year. She seemed to have more life in her then any adult I have seen. She exuded beauty and intelligence. As soon as I made eyes on her I knew she was a part of me.

" What is this?" that was her favorite phrase. She loved to question things and test reality. One day when I took her home she asked why there was no fish in the pond we had. I told her that I could never keep up with fish, plus the creatures might eat them. The next day I found two fish in the pond. I asked her where she got these fish, she said that the cat promised it would not eat it. I laughed at a lot she did, she never asked only insured me that everything would work itself out.
Aeriel was easy to get along with, she gave happiness and smiles to anything she would encounter. Which it made it very easy for her to grow attached to me and me to her. I would watch her as she would sleep sometimes. The hard in and outs she would inhale and exhale... seemed so healthy for a few months. The fourth month grew into deep respiratory problems, but I still could only see the beauty in her sleep. The dreams she danced to under her eyelids.

"Can I get a unicorn?" She started to ask this around the fifth month. It was not one of those make believe wanting from a child, but she persisted with serious composure. She wanted this horse with a horn so badly. I decided that I would paint her ceiling in a fairy tale theme. When it was complete she would see her unicorn every time she would fall to sleep. Aeriel never cried, nor did she whimper. When she was asleep she would have tears that would fall down her face though. I could tell that she had some inner trouble that needed to be released. Whenever she would look at her unicorn she would smile though. Every time before sleep she would smile at me then the unicorn and back at me again. I loved her.

The mornings were my favorite because she would come to me before I would wake up and play with my hair lightly. I would never notice till I would wake up. She said that I would be dreaming so quietly that she could hear the water dripping from the kitchen sink. Little wise crack she was too. She was the only thing that made me smile, and maybe I could relate to those tears she never shown. Maybe that's why I needed her.

It's not that I am not able to have my own child, it is just that I chose her before I could even try and have one. She was something that I would never be able to conjure up. Gods most prized delicacy I would call her.

" Why is he on the ground?" She saw a man with a bucket in his hands. I told her he didn't have a house or a job because something went wrong in his life. She looked at me briefly with a silence that lasted five minutes. She grabbed the man by the hand and told him that god made him to move and god made him to eat. She smiled at him and gave him a hug. The man picked himself up and said she was right. I never saw that man beg again. She made miracles happen.

When I walked into the room it was cold and not made for someone like her. I took my jacket off and placed it on her feet. She was not moving, only her head was angled at my face. She gazed painfully in my eyes and my heart was so dead at that point. She still smiled at me as her featurs fell off her. I felt a tear roll onto my hand as her eyes began to wilt up. I said it was okay to cry now.. it's okay to feel this way. She held my hand tighter and asked if I could take care of the fish, I smirked at her. She smiled again, but this time it went away. Her pulse growing slower.

" What is this?" She looked unreal, as if seeing right through me to another place in time. I felt her shake and her pulse pause. Tears started to streak off my face and melt with hers. I whispered and pulled closer to her face, " It's a nice place, and someone is waiting for you there. He will take care of you and play with you all the time." She smiled and her eyes fell shut. Her release of her hands made my hands grow tighter around her wrist.

I loved her, and god made her here not because he wanted to curse her, but to show miracles can come true. She was someone that gave life to things that were hopeless. I let go of her hand and laid a stuffed unicorn in replace. I stayed near her bed till the nurse arrived.

2010-05-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

This is the mutiny of mercy,
Severed branches lay vertical and set free,
With cuts that run through a closed canal,
What is the calm under this bloody sky,
I will find interaction where I sink inside,
Upon this dirt road I can not stand it anymore..

Invent..

Inventing a soft silk that will wrap around my mouth,
While my hands are psychopathic, with reasoning to doubt,
Crucifying my thoughts in a fire that blazes,
I will keep my hold study, as I wrap it upon other faces,
Look at this frog that needs to leave,
I will obliterate you with my iron staff till you bleed,
Like the skies that will cease to exist,
A continuum that will never persist.

I am followed in a dark place and still there is this shadow,
It will not speak of it's meaning or budge to go,
Liking the pain that creates beside my roam,
Ripping intently on bright pure colors,
Seeking more hurt onto others.

Invent..

Inventing a place for people to protest,
That years and years have not been best,
Notice that you can not be alone,
Humming the same song,
Where can you call home?

Blood paves the skies and the streets,
Will it be washed or will it come after me...

Somebody needs to come and find a way,
Just to stop the stalker of all this pain.

2010-04-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

My watch says it is five when really it is a week before. The brick walls are going to barricade me inside and keep my chained with its iron metal bars. I can feel tension under my wrists and the gnawing of my flesh. The moon is gone and the sun has disapeared. Every time I open my eyes my lashes are thrashed by the cold dramatic air. I can distinct the loud impounding sounds of detonation. I want to scream but there is not enough air to capture the sound. So I rock myself back and forth, as my wrists are bleeding thoroughly down the sides.

My hearing is losing its volume as the explosions are dying down and the ringing in my ear drums is increasing. I can feel my eyes turn into two lifeless black holes. There is nothing for me to do but pray that I will be okay or that the torture will be over. I can slide my bare feet over the drips of blood I am creating on the floor under my chair. Then I grab the bars of my chair harder as I sense something find me in this darkness.

I can't see a thing with the cloth lining wrapped securely on my eyes. The air felt chilled as it swept over my scalped head. I got goosbumps and blade like hair on my arms as the thing came closer. I prayed it I would be someplace else at that point. Then my wrists were cut lose and as if I was amputated I felt the free tension release from my hands. I laid my wrists on my lap and did not move or budge. I knew if I moved it would come after me anyways. So I waited as my breath sunk in my empty lungs.

The gellid room bacame abruptyly silenced and frightening then ever. I was so afraid, but I knew that after the pain there will be light. I still had my hands open upon my lap, and the coldest most strikingly frigid thing was placed in my palms. I was already numb and continuously bleeding from my wrists, but this liquid that flowed over my hands was so violently freezing.

The thing came closer and I knew it was not talking but I could hear its thoughts for some reason. I was being controlled by it to take this cold object and shove it in my chest. I tried to scream but I still had no breath or motive to try and understand why. I was on my last thread and was ready for whatever it wanted me to do. I said I would never be able to do it in my head. The thing took my hands and a hurdling implosion upon my chest made a huge bang inside the cell walls. I now knew what those explosions were, and the cold unknown object made a hole straight through my rib cage. The thing had its presence still upon me and the hole suddenly sealed back up with a quick cold touch.

The beating strartled me. It was loud at first but then it subsided to a slow calm melody. It was like having a music box inside my chest. The thing took my hands and placed it over my chest. I could feel the coldness inside and it hurt. It was so painful that I wished the thing would have killed me already. I fell to the ground and cradled myself into a ball. The thing picked me up and undid my blindfold. The light crept under my eyelids as I could see that it was never dark but it was like a heaven in a way. With trees everywhere and a playgound in the distance. The thing was not a thing but a man with a beautiful red top hat covering his eyes.

I could read his thoughts and knew what he had placed inside me chest. He took my hands and leaned in to whisper, " Be careful with this one this time."

I nodded and walked away with a colder heart, but knew what to do this time with it.

The heart is a fragile thing.

2010-04-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

Oh please blankets that hug me nightly,
Let me yell into you the things I can not say,
When I can't look at someone in the eyes,
Or pass every unknown soul and think I am the lowest of low,
Please let me yell and tell.

I want to take this time and cry my eyes,
The things that stay deep inside,
How the world is so big and I feel so small,
My head is always spinning and my knees are ready to fall.
Please let me get out this empty shaking,
The lonely depth of black holes I have been making.

My hair can cover my dreary eyes and my silenced mouth,
The weather can be bright but the place I am in always has a cloud,
I would feel love every now and then, but eventually it would go away,
I would be back in my dark tunnel crying and afraid.

Please make sure I do not feel,
When times get hard and I can not deal,
I have under and down and been having enough,
Because no one will stay or show me true love.

I miss feeling safe and happy,
I want to laugh with you but I forget how,
I wish there was answers I can protest,
But with this translucent tape, my mouth creates no sound,
And I get no rest.

I want love again and know I won't be let down,
But who would want me, someone without sound.

Blankets that cradle me in the night,
Can I yell into you the things that taunt me in fright,
Can I scream into you the many things I can not say,
Can I let out the hurt that makes me cry everyday.

2010-04-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

The nails are falling to the ground,
As anchor drifts to the deep sea,
The moon falls in a bucket next to me,
And all I there is can be black.

Why move..

My nails are dirty and I won't wash them,
I have no money because there is no push,
My tiny sneaker was left under the bed,
The animals want to come climb to my canopy instead.

Why move...

My dream catcher is on a ledge,
I have makeup splattered in blood on the floor,
The closet is closed because I am afraid of the gouls and ghosts,
But the knives spread out on the counter are close.

Why move..

Twenty or something has been on the line,
Dropped and left on the ring, with my life on a dime,
Paper clip-outs with bits of glue on my veins,
Passenger side yelling and pain.

Why move...

The ten feet turn to hundreds of pounds on my lungs,
The walls are my best friend with the smell of propane guns,
My will is written on a paper that was burned,
Which way would I lead, the day is unconcerned.

Why move...

My eyes are closed everyday,
Muscular degeneration may abrupt my way,
But the crib is up high and the screams are low,
The thing inside my chest that beats - may explode.

Why move..
When I didn't know if I would live,
Why move..
If I had no voice or could withstand what you did.

Why move?

So much...

2010-04-24T23:25:00.001-07:00

I am going to tell you that this dark has been a month,
Scream inside a dream that never overcomes,
How can someone look at you and feel nothing through a scream,
As you smell the irony of how much pain you breath in,
Go today and leave the lover you once knew,
The others will go away, but what else can you do.

This night is death,
It's undeveloped,
Lights flicker,
Your face is thicker,
But there is death,
I feel lonely,
Unadvised,
Please whisper..

Am I the one that will make your heart bleed,
Dance with you and make you leave,
Can I be the night and you be the day,
So it will be eventful when you grow astray,
Be true to me and say those words,
Make me sink in my throat,
I have no more hope.

My name will be absent for years and years,
But with flashes in your memory you will feel those tears,
Seeing what we had and be mournful for the death,
When you looked at me as I took my last breath.

How is love equal to the things you did,
I held my shaking hands and wished you never lived.

I was so much..

2010-04-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

With rushing waters rinsing on my eyes I could see the bridge compromise,
With my pain down below this pine an oak,
Look at the swift movements of the dove fluttering on by,
With its highest reach above the world, and crusades through ebony skies.

Yearn for me oh dove that sings, silent emits of its serenade,
The extravagance of the buildings and the turquoise silver bells,
Could not compare to the love inside this doves lovely breasts of quilt,
Bend me down to the ivy of eve, make me dream.

I let the dorms and white branches take hold of my woven sweater,
Engulf me inside its warmth and take me somewhere better,
Climbing on pebbles that turn into rocks,
I don't need a compass for god will help me from lost.

Feel me and let me feel, dove shall take me under its wings,
Tears fall down into the soil as I let it bring,
Solitude among these grounds is holy and great,
Drifting though without all my pain.

World with so many tribulations and doubts,
With this place, I will move farther into my destined cloud.

2010-04-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

The warm vanilla, not the kind that swarms inside a closed room, but the kind that freshens the air and lets you think of old memories. I let this scent hold deep inside my head for a few moments, making me delirious.

I walk and the barn in the distance seems to be getting farther then closer. Cliffs came into place and I could see a man kneeling against this old wagon. He looked at me weary and without animation. I took my hand and angled it so I could say hello, but the weight of my hands became immensely heavy. I let my frustation of this die with the next problem of walking. My knees started to feel like the ground was eating it up. I stood tall but my legs were sinking inside my chest. I tried to speak for the man to help, but my voice was soft and sweet like valentine babies. I wanted to get out of wherever I was.

When my arms were pressed against my sides and my heart felt like the moon was using it's gravitational force to carry it away. I could see the man just staring at me wondering why I was distressed. I felt like he could have been mentally ill for not trying to help me.

As my head was dreary and my life seemed to be falling before my eyes, the surrounding changed again. The cliffs turned into flat lands of long cherry orchards. I was still sinking to my disposal until my heart pumped long deep beats. The man came closer to me and I thought he was out of his mind. I tried to jolt back but I was numb to my sides. The curve of his hands grabbed one of mine and I was let lose a light limber note. He grabbed the other and rested it on his right shoulder. Then he let go of my other hand and grabbed my hair losely in his rigid hands. He swiveled my face to one side and I could smell the blossoms blooming as he creased his lips one by one on my cold cheek. He let go of both my hands and grabbed my jaw bone lighty cradling and kissed me intently to deepen my heart beat. My legs were able to stand now, but he made me gravitate to kneel and lay in the field. He kissed me from my collar bone and grazed his warm hands up and down my spine. I stared into his pastured eyes, and knew I was not dying.. I was in love.

He made me weak in my knees, made my hands grow numb, made my heart sink in and made my eyes see things that made no sense.

We laid there till we had to make the bed.

2010-04-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

If I never fell in love would I still feel,
Irrelevant and alone, unable to heal.

Seeking in this box for the answer to come,
Twsiting the ballerina to play it's last song.

Tell me if I never heard your voice or felt you cry,
Would my love still be implied.

The plastered blank walls I look to everyday,
Making invisible pictures of your mournful gaze.

Can this love be erased and put aside,
Because the pain it here, like black ink that spilled to much to hide.

2010-04-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

This is where I want to be,
Don't bother me right now because I will cry,
Cuddled under soft mountains and angelic skies,
Wanting to go back and thinking of before,
Lying beneath and daydreaming of no more.

I flutter my lashes and pick up my skirt,
Let the wind drift and feel less hurt,
I think and think and stop all together,
Because what is the moon without the stars,
Who would I be without all my scars..

I want to fly

I am going to climb a cliff,
The reflection I see in the pristine waters above,
Will be filled with past laughter and unfilled love,
But down here as I walk,
I stumble and fall - always getting lost.

Getting older and seeing the lines on my hands,
They etch a story and they tell to much,
I think the things I appeal to- whither my touch,
Though my shoes are narrow and my ears are small,
I can see right through intentions and know if it's worth it at all.

I want to fly

The wind picks up once more,
Carries me under the slit through the door,
Lets me see things that are not there,
Tells me I can do it, but would I really care,
If it gave me weightlessness and shows me where to go,
If I give all my heart and not even know..

Blind as can be,
Imprisoned or free...

" You can fly if you believe."

2010-04-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

I look over and your not there,
This bed seems to empty now, and the stories it tells is aggravating,
I let my face loosely lay and remember all those days,
Last year we held hands and now it slowly has erased.

Whats left to lose anymore,
I have gave all the smiles that could be given to you,
On this edge I feel the smoke wrap my heart,
Will you come back and relieve what we part.

I was sick a week ago and it was a relief,
The struggle to cough and the strain to move,
Made me think more on the illness rather then the pain of you.

Sunset is down and it has been down most of everyday,
Prove me god this is to be taken in vein,
Last year was my time where I felt alive,
But why bury me under, and take me back to die.

Echo the simple steps that we took together,
How it was so easy to be with you then another,
Was this the answer to the break down we had,
If we bandaged the sorrow, do you think it would last.

This life will either take me down with the problems it gives,
Or the memories of you will painfully outlive.

Goodnight babe, as he lastly gives his kiss.
Goodnight hun, as I cry in this empty bed with the memory of his lips.

2010-04-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

My hands are crinkling towards the sockets of my dreary eyes.
Mourning for the new coming day, for it has spoken and it has begun.
The bright grands that lay across each crevice of the sun sink lightly over the noon.

Look at the skies and I will perish,
because this day has come when the birds can no longer sprout a song.

The first majestic blush that shimmered over the blue was proud and confident.
The confidence overcame with hedonist movements towards the opposition,
For then the skies turned many unknown colors and bloomed a new lust.
This was the beginning of a eternity of a shared blunder.

The days created the flashes of light through the skies,
Dances over the hills in different maroons and indigo hues,
The birds peered through the forests and could only gander in spiteful inspections,
In these weeks the clouds moved entwine,
Worried jays sang a farewell.

When the gusts would come close, the opposite would hush the blow,
The combination of these skies would keep in the mercy of each other,
Ever shall they part will the nights turn to twilight skies with empty stars,
Then the passing winds would move back to the corners they intruded.

The birds today were silent,
No awaking and no crowded chanting,
Only sightless glistens through the trees.

Many felt it and could see it up above,
The bright skies have turned upon each other,
What had happened to the lust that paraded over the blue,
The opposite thundered in its ego,
As the airy white breath flusted in circles among the land.

It seems as though the black has bled the hands of the air,
Created sinful residue and showered the remains over the hills,
Deceit climbed from the skies of other frontiers and made a storm,
Forgetting that each had passion for another in the days of the sun.

The rain began to pour, and the sin that channeled,
Risen in the clouds, as the birds remained mute.

I opened my eyes, and could see that jealousy killed the skies.

Never will I trust so easily again.

2010-04-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

When someone has joy they bring others it can brighten enhance a shine upon their face, or it can work the other way around. When someone is happy you either are wanting to be near that person, or you envy that person. When you don't see that happiness anymore, watching them fall apart, seeing no more random laughter, would you walk away or show them happiness once again.

Still she sits there, with her hands folded across and her feet fashioned firmly with ease. I noticed her when she and I were in grade school. She always wore the pressed jeans and bleached white shirts. She was a image of perfection, and she was nice as well. Nice in meaning that she was always generous and beyond caring. She was the last person that I thought would come and say hello to the new girl. She came right up and asked if she could be my friend.

I have known her since then, for six years. She is still the same spark of beauty and glory as ever. Whenever I would look at her as she spoke with so much grace and passion, she made others smile. You could see her tell stories of her church, which made her an even honorary person to look up to. The way every move she made seemed to be so easy for her, like it were an expression of godliness.

I was not her best friend or even the closest, but she always gave random chats with me every now and then. I would cherish those times she would talk to me, because so many vented upon her attention. I sometimes wished I could be her. She was so deep within life, so balanced with everything she did, yet so happy with everyday she awoke.

With her eyes looking to the passing cars and her hands held on my shoulders, she told me with a serious smile..

"A new tree will grow with its first leaves, roots and stems. Then when the tree can no longer grow those stems and shed those first grown leaves, they are cut from the gardener. The gardener cuts it down to very blunt stubs. The tree has a choice. It can either grow those stems and make new leaves, or stay a stub with sparse branches and few leaves. The tree the grows, will flourish with stronger roots and greener leaves. "

I was in need of some cheering up that day, and she knew just what to say to me.

I watched her after a few months though. She became a different person. There were days when she came to school and other days when she didn't. I could make out something different about her, and she was no longer smiling. The cheerful person I always knew, was fading.

I came up to her one day and asked her what was the matter, but she just nudged her head and gave a smirk to calm my worries. I gave her a hug and she gave me a silenet grasp. She looked at me under the sun filled skies, and her eyes created clouds. When she walked away from me as I watched her lead on the path to her house, I could not see the brightness that shown through her presence. She was lost and I didn't know what to do. I watched her leave all the happiness with so many others and the sorrows with herself. I wished I could have told her something that day.

Her happiness made other trees grow. She made others stronger and helped them live life with passion and resilience.

She will always be rememebered.

" A person can either let the world take them down, or let the world give them stregth. When you get cut and become depressed, if you choose to prevail you can flourish brighter then you ever have."

2010-04-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

I would like to tell you something,
My heart has been aching with emptiness of nothing,
Desperate and hurt is what I feel,
It makes me depart from what is real.

I try and tell you what makes me cry,
But what is the use when it makes me rely,
On pain that urges from inside this room,
If you could see, if only you knew...

Becuase I care and feel the love,
Still deep in my heart I don't want it to be enough,
Don't you feel what we had,
Mistakes may come, but why should we become sad.

I cry for you becuase I loved you,
If you could see, if only you knew..

2010-04-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

There is many who believe that living is a part of your skin and the creations you lead upon. The others believe that living consists of emotions that must be silenced.

The saturated gray cement slipped shyly under my sneakers, and my pants mulched with the slippery fluid. I held onto my flimsy bag and could hear the empty air and faraway voices. I let my pant legs drag under my sneakers as it soaked up the water from the various puddles. My mind was full of arguments and disorderly thoughts. I could see my mother asking for daily help, and my father arguing the same. Three jobs was enough, but I was the provider for my enthusiast drugged family.

The cold water made me shiver, and it was so far from my house. I kept walking, but the silence of being alone and the aggravating struggles of going to the next challenging struggle made it less of a motivated effort for me. My palms have been stuck near my face the whole time, it will freeze if it is not. I kept walking in order to feel my toes.

I feel my thoughts overcoming my heart. It hurts to think of when this will end. When I can live in a normal place without being hurt in the middle of the night, or screams within my numb ears. My thoughts are getting deeper and the rain is pouring harder. I can't see the end of this path anymore. Will it ever end?

When I start to ripple the water with my feet a little more slower, I feel a sudden clutch over my shoulder. I am pulled with an urgent force and nailed down to the water without a hope. I want to fight back, but I felt inside that there was no use. The water soaks over my body and the man yells words uncomprehending with the loud thunder of rain.

I look at him with dreary eyes. Tired of the day and tired of my life. I tell him to see...

I pull back my sweater sleeves and bruises line my wrists to my elbows distant point. I see that he gives no remorse, so I pull my pant legs up and wounds deep to my bone are wrapped in bandages and gauges. His head moves to the side. I then take off my jacket and take off my shirt and show him my torn and broken body. The blue and black race of my soul. He starts to whimper for not me but for himself.

I gravitated towards him and held him while he and I (strangers) drowned our problems unknown until the rain stopped and the tears became salt dust.

I kept walking, and living. Not in silence, but in thunder.

2010-04-06T00:49:00.000-07:00

When the vertical streams of fiery swooning florescence beams upon the ambiance of that day, I still feel the breathing, I still feel the rush of blood rising through my nostrils, I still feel the tears that washed my face with salt and burnt like alcohol. I know what happened, but why would I know. Why would I explain what happened when it's not true in my own mind.

My hands are frozen and my eyes are boiled over. The status of where I am- to far for anyone to comprehend. I see the green hills and the maple trees. The natural lights swirving in different directions, all leading north. Over each hill there is a straight mark down the middle of brightness. The green blue colors of the sparse trees make the fence lines fade out. I only see the loneliness of this. I only see the empty spaces in between. I only see the lonely person sitting on top of the hill and seeking compassion among millions and billions of rebellion people.

I almost see the end point.

The way you looked decoded what you felt. Kissing me on my head to make me feel better. This will not make me feel any better then the first memory of you kissing me. I can see your okay, and it makes me less of myself. Be hurt, just as you hurt me. The cold is not cold anymore, it is chilling and fearful. I don't know what happened in my own mind.

I let the world have me after that. The movements you made me make were earthquakes upon my life. Moving everything out of order, and much time is needed to rebuild.

You cared for me when I was sick, and you helped me when I was lost. You helped me cope with day to day problems, and you kissed me goodnight even when you were not here. I miss you, but that must be erased as well.

Time is moving slow, but when you said your last words, they stopped completely. The seconds turned into years, and the hours turned into decades.

I will cry tonight, till I see your face in my dreams.

Green acres will take me on a ride,
Down the valley I will distance myself to hide,
Beyond the places that I knew so well,
I wonder not why the lonely lights propel.

Through bleeding of the red yellow skies,
I will say so long, and sit till a new day will arise,

2010-04-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

The calignous rush screams through a jar,
I let deep downs from my skin scrape off and seal the envelope,
I wrote you a long letter, but why give it to such a darkened soul.

This is a star that will never twine to the memories again,
Feeling soft nude skin, will be wounded with goodbyes,
I only wish my head will sleep well,
But the anger that slips through to dispel,
Will make me fall to my hearts kill.

I am going to rob you blind tonight,
Everything you have will be mine,
Your eyes will be covered,
Your dreams will be lost,
I will be your lover that became an enemy at cost.

I like the ocean when it's as deep as this,
Where I can taste your sour intentions,
But your face is being remarked to lessen,
This infectious thing you do,
Will die with me and you,
like the laugh that you facade,
That rages like a loonatic parade.

Desire me no more,
I will pull your pain and make it my gain,
The life you chose with me will be a act of shame,
Yellow stickers will place upon your life,
You will be a disaese that many would stir away and rather die.

Seconds shadow in the tomb of your gruesome destruction,
I will pour out your ahes, till your nothin....

This thought

2010-04-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

Its time to be awake now,
Reality awaits and the component you have been lacking is yourself,
I marched down the aisle and I lost my soul,
Everything given and nothing to hold.

This will be the last exhale and inhale you will see,
The day I breathe will be the day you believe me,
I have this dream and it rotted with so much pitted desolate darkness,
I would like to forget what I wished long ago, but in frequent silence it is reminisced.

This curse that places on my shoulders is hard to release,
I will try and push hard, but the weight is never freed,
Trafficking my heart to the many lonely nights,
When I think it may get better but instead I bury, kneel, and cry.

For what I must do!

For what I must do!

This place you put me at is hidden and scares my abused mind,
I am cutting the pain and letting the blood become pure and defined,
Where the marks will be sure to let you see,
I am alive and need to be freed.

I can't be in this darkness anymore,
The dreading discussions with the shadows on the floor,
I will part them now with my tired departure,
Then as I am dragging, there will be no more.

Only these times when the cries seem to reappear, For the pain will never cease, it will only create fear.

2010-04-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

How could I live with myself when I left you there,
On the edge of high roads and despair,
Just tell me what you want me to say,
I will get down on this guilty trip, down on me knees and pray.

Please tell me dear what this means,
The end of such blitheness turned into .." Hush don't breath."
I hope this is just something many go through,
Pain that caught me unaware that I never knew,
What this is may be what you want,
But please forgive for what I have done.

I will not find your kiss, it will be retentive,
The things you have been, will be hard to not see and still live,
Tell me what I can do or is it to late,
My love I will never be the same,
Please take me off this pedestal of pain.

I care not for the days that were rough and pleading,
It is you, for the witnesses will be decreeing,
Take your hands and let them lye,
You will see the love within my moribund eyes.

I felt the lucid water sink in my throat,
And as he forgave, he strangled my hope.

He died and lives

2010-03-30T23:03:00.000-07:00

The spikes were situated crosswise from each other. The tight knotted ropes barricaded on either side of the gravitating spikes. The stone hedges circled the center where it was placed. The pillars were high and distant from the monument. The guards placed outside and inside. The individuals placing duty were beyond the courtyard. He was placed upon the outer base of the centered stone hedge.

The soft numb skin of his back blared before every soul. The tender likeness he consisted of was being held in the hands of the guards. He was untouchable and never pardoned with a pitiful glare. No one asked if he was apparent of what was happening, he knew, and he wanted it. The air was chilled and his bare chest took a deep breath before the beginning and the end of the torment to the unsaved people.

He looked at her and stood against the stone. When he straightned his posture he grasped his stregth, showing in his veins and angling upon his spine. The whispers of the many who were lost violently and silently clustered in his thoughts. He could only seek out the many but see the one woman who helped him seek the many. He never shed a tear, only shivered for the hell that lived here.

The breath he took was broken with the heathenish slash. Over and over, till the sins of many were ripped open over his back. He lifted every time ten slashes embedded, then took another breath. The ribs were shown and the blood flooded in gallons. No human could endure this magnitude of pain and suffering. The millions of humans could though, and he had the millions inside him. This was only the beginning.

Life took on the days of saved and found.

Bright

2010-03-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

" Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere that I can feel safe, from myself, and everything else."

I looked up upon the midnight hozion, and the sun beamed low over the small moon. I got up from my watery bed lays, and drifted towards my window. I peaked over the balcony and heard my mothers and fathers voices whisper behind the paper thin walls. I could see dark fog and a figure in the midst. I heard my fathers voice rise and shatters inside another room. I looked through my transparent curtains and could feel the frigid breeze carry my skin on a lucid ride. Then the figure that hovered near my window pane came for my hand. I heard screams and rattles at my door knob. My hand reached for the unknown figure, and the winds took me with it.

I held on tight to this figure as it carried me to a place I was unsure and yet not remotely frightened. Amidst the darkness and through the abyssal I could make out glimmers of bright beautiful colors. Then what seemed to be Christmas lights turned into white purity on top of a rooftop. Chimneys were below my feet as we rose higher and higher. The trees of willows and spruce turned into a sea of pines and oaks. I felt the moon against my light skin, the shadows hug my hair and eyes.

The velocity we were going was brilliant. The fast radical of the different angles was making me feel free. I could sense the desserts sweet sands slip under my toes and the cool calm tones of the forest greens take my heart on a humid hill. We reached so far through unknown territories. I still had no idea what this fogy figurine was, but I enjoyed it's company.

The cave was dark but it took me through it. The chlorine smell with granite and disulphide hidden in its caverns were invigorating. I was placed on top of a smooth stone and there before me was a glow that could blind you if you stood in front of it. The shadows of the cave hid my eyes from the glow. I felt my knees fall to the ground as I let my heart have it. The effulgence was piercing and painful and it made me whimper. I cried from the joy of being in front of this power and beauty.

The figure went towards the visible light and grasped my hand to take me with. I pulled it back and was frightned to be engulfed by the brightness. The figure silenced my thoughts and as if it were reading my mind told me it will be okay. I cried. I surrendered my hand and walked with the figure. The radiance took over.

" Where do you want to go?" The figure whispered.

"Anywhere that I can feel safe, from myself, and everything else." I asked.

" Welcome to heaven my child." The light answered.

The Lost

2010-03-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

The chair slid back and all I heard was your cast,
How the whole place shook as I heard it drop,
The pin needle of your pain,
It was so intolerable as we huddled in this cell.

I asked for mercy when I was placed here,
Pushing and shoving in the dead,
Brute looked and spat at my entirety,
My feet could not budge, but he made me fall,
On rotting and putrid grounds,
I asked what made life give me these days,
But the pack of people lost there prayers many months before,
As I wiped off the tears unto the floor.

This is the bottomless pit where people arrive,
One's who are always lost and never alive.

They threw me in with the rest,
The dirt and steaming nudity of the depressed.

Do you see

2010-03-23T22:49:00.000-07:00

I like it when you know the day is going to be good. It is a humble sweet aroma when I walk out onto these steps. The gorgeous scents that stricken my nostrils as I walk with my sandals on a sling. The soak of the fresh bayside breezes. It seems like everything comes into one when you are in a good vibe.

But here we begin...
I am with a seed that has been planted but has been forgotten to be watered. I hang on the car mantel with my string lightly coming undone, a balloon ready to float away. Water that will never be wine. Hope that will never be a destiny.
I walk into the cafeteria and see many faces, but just a blank stir of nothing. The lights carry from outside and inside the bulbs. I see and hear the laughter of influential minds, and some lost.

I carry my books in a bag ready to rip, but I like the clutter that surrounds in a creative bag such as mine. With its hand woven leaves and flowers, many colors and traces. I clutch onto the handles as I enter the food court. I am hungry but only look at the menu. I see the prices before the food. I search my mind for an answer for my stomach, but only find consequences. The many things I could be getting with something to eat. I decide to fast for today.

I head back into the cafeteria and see many glances looking in my direction. I let my hair hide my face as I sit in a corner that was made for loners like me. I sit and scramble inside my bag for my notepad. I write and draw all the places that I would like to be other then here.

Fluorescent forest- With light shades of green and opal drops of black leaves. I will lose myself in you and make a maze to keep me away from the hunters and the creatures. I will be a mate for the wind and the earth. I will keep in the hidden holes of oak trees and eat the air I breathe to keep me slim and naturally beautiful. I will live here and when it is night I will sleep in the canopies of many pine and evergreens.
I look up and see that no one is watching me. So I turn the page and return.

Railroad tracks and old theaters- I like to throw rocks into the empty spaces of tracks. I will kick dirt and let the filth give me happiness. The sun will blaze accross my tank and let me feel the humid sticky air. The trains will come and never stop. I will hear the loud thunder of the conducting sounds. I will let my hair fly away as it passes on by. I have no headphones on, but I hear music. I see old 50's people and they are playing old music in there classic cars. They are drinking shakes and ready to go see a movie at the neon lit theater on the other side of the tracks. I suck in the eighty degree weather. I drink the essence of living alone. How wonderful it is to be a rebel and letting the world troubles fall off my shoelaces and into the sunbeam dirt. The tracks cut off at the end( about 1000 miles from home).

Loud noises are made when someone laughs at someone else's mistakes. I disapprove but go back to what I was doing.

Somewhere outback- "The willow tree is not that far!" I yelled at the top pf my lungs. I ran to the tree and climbed it all the way up on the cornered edge. He looks at me and says he will never be able to do that. I give him a lift and when he got up I followed. I told him this is the place I was talking about. The world shone right back at us. The cities scraped on our knees and the forests were far in the distance, the tracks were on the left, the animals grazed in the pastures, and the cottage pillowed smoke from it's chimneys. I said that this place would be in out minds forever. We will never forget it. I took his hand and placed a ordinary rock in his palm. He gave me a discouraging expression, and I threw the rock against the trunk of the tree. It broke in half and he gazed at it before he smiled. The rock shone in purple and translucent shades. It sparkled for the world above the willow tree. It blazed for him. I told him to keep it and never lose it. It will take you to our place.
I started to cry as I drew the last branch to the willow tree. I remembered when I gave the stone to him. He held it in his hand before he went away. He said it took him to his happy place. To our place.

I got out of my seat and head out to the opening area outside the cafeteria. Where the trees stood tall and the grass grew long. I fell to the cement as my legs buckled up. I grew numb and I had the last image of my brother in my head. How he held that stone before he left.

" I will see the world now, and I finally get to dance above those canopies of forests." he dropped the stone to his side. His expression left and his voice distantly gone. My innocent dreams left with him.

He gets to be in that good vibe now.

2010-03-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

You have to think of something else when the person you put so much into goes away. How do you do that though? Where do you start to get over, and where do you end the days so indistinct?

The petite figure she had was something at an envy for many. The skies were a haze of gray today and she looked in her oval mirror among her vanity and saw only desperate lines sashaying her ivory cheek bones. She took the powder her mother gave her two years back and showered her face in it. The eyebrows were a cloud of dust under the layers of white. She looked at here face in disagreement. She knew she was missing something. Taking the maroon crushed tomato lipstick, smothering it over her lips in jittery clusters, she looked at herself again and soft wet silk slithered down her skin.

She saw a girl who would lose everything today. Such a fool she was to do this to herself. Looking like a clown/hooker, she carried her self into the restroom and rinsed the access plaster off her delicate skin. To the closet that walked straight into a black hole, she slouched at the thought of what to wear on such a dreadful day. The black button down with pin stripes that made her look anorexic, the coat that made her look like she was fat, the slacks that made her like a man, the pencil skirt that gave her big calves, or the blue tank with jeans. She found an old shirt with holes in it, and sweats that she doesn't know when she washed them.

The counter was filled with mixed belongings and receipts from who knows when. She gazed among the mess, and saw the picture that stood out. Taking it lightly in her hand, she almost forgot what he looked like. She just saw him yesterday morning, but now it seems they have already made the descent to departure. Wrapping the garbage bag twice she saw it through the translucent sheet. The gray haze outside turned darker as she walked outside.

She was in another place in her mind, her face was pale and nude. The hustle of the wind blew through her loose shirt and sweats. Hugging her arms close, she felt as if she should rush. Why should she rush though? She reminded herself that this was a dreadful day, and should be taken slow. She waltz down to a long haul and carried herself to the sounds that surrounded her. The cold did not rupture her depression.

Should she do it?

The cars passing by were making the winds faster. The cold getting colder. She liked it though. The cold took her mind off what she did not want her mind to hear. How scared and lonely she felt already. How hard this day was going to be. The winds would pierce her eyes and her allergies caused her tears to fall, but she doesn't know if they were real. She could see the little vanishing points the cars made, the empty space between each vehicle. She could slip right through one of them and be destructed with one swift move. This was something she could contemplate after this day is over.

When the stoplight said she could walk across, she raged in thoughts towards the drivers watching her. She wanted to scream, " HELP ME." No one hears your thoughts though, only your own troublesome self.

When she sat down at the bench she knew would be her last solitary moment of peace. She watched couples everywhere. Mother caring for her husband. Teenager with little teenage girlfriend kissing. Then a man taking pictures of his wife against a romantic pond. Then she created the image of what others saw her as. Dark shadows around a girl who wanted to cry.

Then she watched him come closer. the air became frighteningly frigid, and the bench became large. She felt small and nervous.

5:35 p.m...

5:35 p.m 12/13

5:35 p.m 12/14

5:35 p.m 12/15

5:35 p.m 12/16

There is this girl. I watch her. She sits on this bench in Aleen Wit Park, and she sits like a statue. She has long strawberry wavy hair with soft pale and delicate skin. Her cheeks turn flush in this cold. She sits and stares out at one single point in the park. She does this for three hours before she has to go.

It's like she is watching her life walk away. She watches that distant path that carries the leaves of her soul to a wind more suited.

I watched when it happened. When he left her.

I asked why he left, she said he didn't.

Ways to think

2010-03-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

This is to much to go through. The dark and hinted dreams are found when I think of you to much. Today must be Tuesday, or maybe Wednesday. I am wrong lately.

I have found that lurking in the dark is my old stuffed bear and my chewed on comb. I see the piled clothes that need to be washed. I see the papers that are due tomorrow sitting in front of my blind cactus eyes. I have crap to do.

I heard that half the eastern border is being invaded by smoke. The smoke filled the lungs of millions of innocent people. Then I heard that my parents split up four years ago and I wasn't aware. I listened on the phone in a death tone that someone said they got robbed. I am wondering what to do about it.

I laid in my bed with the lace covers hiding my tired face, and I thought about rain. I peered outside and saw the rain. I sunk under my covers a little more and felt the warmth. I peered through my window and it was scorching sunny. I had nothing on and didn't know what to wear now.

The yelling upstairs and the singing next door is combining into a sorrowful orchestra. I went into my bathroom and listened to the streaming waters of someone peeing. I then dragged myself in my room and heard moans and unspoken words. I can't find peace, or what is peace.

His golden ridged losing grace, said to me three years ago that he had enough. The guy with the smile as large as his pockets, said two and a half years ago that he cheated on me. The boy that was humble and sweet, said to me one year ago that he was afraid of kids. A man said to me a week ago that he would fall in love with me. As well as fifteen before that man. I think I will stay in my dark place.

My bear is all I need right now.

It is Monday, time for a new week.

2010-03-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

I like this shelter, it combines with a verve of justified principal,
A statement to long to say, but greatly valued when thought,
Standing inside a hope will do you no good, but acting upon,
Will bring you what you caught.

I slant my hips to the beautiful jaded air,
My watery eyes from allergies dry to the music,
The tones that life gives off,
It lets me die and rebirth something better,
My arms are above and my feet ground everywhere.

Reach for me cause I am here,
It's cooling to not want to tear,
It feels so lifted and gone from a bound,
This combined phenomenon and changing sound.

"Wow!" I said as I stood in churn,
My garmets that were old now fall to this burn,
Blazin through a new alighted beam,
Joining arms with liberty and all blessed with purity.

I like this taste, and I like this feel,
I love this flow, and I craved this appeal,
I think I can see it and you guided me their,
Eternity that was always, so external and fair.

Reach for me, cause I am yours,
Here to honor, here for your words.

I let in and I let out,
Breathing all you are, breathing what you amount.

It is so beautiful,
I'll find you there when you find it too.

Burnt

2010-03-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

Summer will soon souse my eyes in its ignition,
Losing the attachments I kept so close,
Intensity will walk with me while I let it slowly go,
Broken, clipped, mantled, used, torn,
I will let it go.

The sunken sun will lean towards my back today,
I will close my eyes and let it swallow me in,
Caring for everything will soon turn to nothing,
I am running when I am walking,
I am gone when I am running.

Its been hard,
These few years I have been dwelling,
I smile and let the waves of gods violence take over.

" I have nothing else to lose, the ending was long past."

I gave it my all,
The car swirved and I ran over my feelings along the way,
I am numb to this,
Symphony that lives inside my life,
Death is never a choice, either is living,
But the sun keeps shining on my unanimated believing.

I am at a mode,
Stuck from one sky to the next,
Bittersweet lies that vex,
I have been to the place where things can happen,
Nothing happened for me.

My skin is dark because the sun has burnt me,
The love I had has built around you to much,
The sun scorches when I am unable to love.

I am afraid of leaving to somewhere shaded now.

Fades of light

2010-03-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

I kept my throat clear enough for the nights blare to hear me. The chuckles of the hail storms ravaging on my severely chapped skin sent my head down to service my whereabouts. My view consisted of a sequel to the Appalachian mountains destruction. I could see the dive from where I stood and where the lines of flat lands stood in tempted arguments. I wanted to arm myself for this battle. I was empty inside my stomach. I only had a rusty pocket knife to siege through this revolution. Onward, as I used the emotionless thoughts to condom the bruises and cuts.

The stars afloat to high for anybody to reach, because it won't be believable when they kill me on my way down. The resistance is weathering my assurance. I know the sparatical lights that single me out, are now pressuring me in. The huge guilt that barrles you when you feel wrong, now sits beside me with a smirk. A fierce knock rattles me above in a cloud of airy mist. Then the wind is tempered into a tornado of hot and luke warm.

Lend me this savage, for it lives inside me now. I feel the struggles it is giving me this moment. The minutes it condenses, the hours it relents. " It is convulsive and wild." It will never end it seems. I lift my finger above to see what texture it adopts. I ingested my own heart. The thunps grew inside my stomach. I can see it.

My puplis were constricting, and I can sense it was here. The toes curled in, and my hands felt the nerves clipping off in violent sensations. I was shaking and didn't want it to stop.

I fell to the stone grave. I reached to the calligraphy. I trembled in disbelief.

He was dead!

The joy I conceived that day, let me rest in peace.
I slept soundly on his stone.

2010-03-10T22:44:00.000-08:00

"The title is erased more then often when I think about the meaning of this. The things I would like to forget is defining itself as a whole. Not a mixed number, but forever that everything. I can't subtract or add upon it. It just is that odd equation. That undefined thing that makes me wonder why I am here. "

When I go to sleep at night, the plunge begins. The cycle of not knowing what to feel or what to do. I try to toss and turn, but there is that crave that I need. To satisfy my honest intentions of making more of my life.

"I could be in a naive state of understanding, but how can I rest when god made human beings to feel love. "

I try to keep a side track desperation upon a listless things to fondle. I have created a pit hole of what I want and never can have. I get lost in it every so often. I am looking out the eyes of many though. I see through dark and light. I see through desperate and fight. I have strength then I have none. My heart seems to lose a lot, but my soul tries to keep me on top of things. I feel I have sinned a lot, like I will never be able to take some things back. I try my hardest not to turn back to those past things though.

"I seek hope in my own mind, for I have not many to confine."

My worst enemy is myself. I beat myself up to a point where my bones should be place on the outside of me. They might do me better as a barricade from the debri I receive daily. I find myself searching for something everyday. I am searching for life and for someone to want me. I want to shed rain, but what is rain without the thunder. When rain pours the thunder brings pain.

" I don't need to feel more anguish then I already am. "

I see you, but you fall down an avenue I wish I never knew. The lanes that collide within my heart. So now I have to forget everything you were to me. Everything you said that was great and made me happy. I have to forget. I have to think of how you will be bad for me in the long run. I have to think of those things that people don't really see when you are in bliss. Those things you don't see till you get out of lust. I never liked you smile, or the way you laughed.

"You told me I was beautiful, and had so many talents. Now you say nothing, leaving me in silence."

I am left alone now, and with images of you blazing through my head. I find everyone I am with to be compared to you later on. I just want to be done with how you made me feel and how you were once the one. I want to move on and let everything I thought I cared for, to just dissipate.

" To conquer thoughts of you, will be the biggest leap I will jump, but it will be done."

I will go and take a bath tonight. I will lean my head under the rushing warmth of the water and think of you for one last time. The times when you would call me and say you thought about me all day. The times when you held me and kissed me goodnight. The times when you said you felt you were the luckiest person to have met me.

" I will cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, and cry.... feeling like I want to end it. Then I will dry myself off, look at myself in the mirror, and see that I deserve better."

I love you one last time.

circumstance

2010-03-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

The deviant ferment has caused every which will to denigrate,
I only wanted to keep my veins afloat heavy fluidity,
To enhance all that was never there,
Being born in these grounds have caused me to have a pull,
Pushing the cells from the others without cause.

I am becoming extinct.

I press my body against an empty air,
The air was once dense and had meaning,
But lately it is lifeless and dead,
Nothing but the malicious sirens of my head.

I caused you to feel what my sins have constructed,
A curse that has been vowed on me ever since, " when."
The silence is here it is louder then words, " It SCREAMS."
I wonder if the rain will stop and I will feel the content depression again,
When I cover my face with the suns embrace,
Seeking solitude, yet wanting to be seen,
Don't just look at me.

I hear it,
The percussion that vibrates off my life,
Ending where stone bricks lay,
And the darkness of everyday.

Deciding whether or not these veins need to be sewn,
When my heart seems to beat with every measure it has been thrown.

Drying knots of peace riddles with violence in a tug o war,
Which to handle or which to abhor.

Finding no answers and no remorse.

Play

2010-03-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

Play me a lullaby,
With soft structure and the lights dim low,
I will peer through my sheets as you peer through the window,
The temple of my head is stricken with pain,
So with this lullaby, it will take it away.

The ambiance of this, will captivate my day,
looking back and remembering why I was afraid,
The hurt was strummed so hard I could feel it wound me,
But my smiling eyes towards your lullaby will swoon thee.

Oh light that transpires off your neck,
Your melodic rivers that bless,
It sinks in my ears and out through my tears,
I wish I could take back all those wasted years.

Play me a lullaby and maybe I can sleep,
Because my life has been to long, and now all I want is peace.

Doll

2010-03-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

Acherontic ample skies I hover under, with you my porcelain puppet,
As I play with swiveled sides of your glass conjecture, I facade on the scars you appeal,
Every broken line seems to end at the climax of your head,
Whispering ever so slightly in your uncomprehensive ears,
I once knew you my dearest pale adoration.

I start with your hair and pull it with force,
Clumps falling to the madness of the ground,
I smooth your bbare head and shave off the rest of the ugly stumps,
I then look at you in your english dress and tear off the lace,
The sleeves will be blantly gone and your face will still have those cracks,
Then your lips so maroon and plush will be painted in black sharpie,
Your arms will be pulled staright out of there fake sockets,
You will be a boat without a sail, shipwrecked.

I see your eyes now, as I pull you away they close,
I make sure your face to face with me, and I see how much sorrow you have now,
You were never pretty to begin with,
Your perfect skin and painted cheeks,
I then slam with you with all the adrenalin I have against the steel walls.

I see you shatter with your glass and delicate body in pieces.

I then tremble in emotions that have been dying inside me for so long,
I huddle near the ground and notice,
Pieces of my heart have been shattered for so long,
This fake person I am living in, she needs to be dismantled.

I am just a porcelain puppet waiting to crack.

forsaken

2010-03-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

It was like an esoteric allege,
If I ever told I would be left,
On the way from hillside lane and the unistead drive,
I had a batch of dirt on my knees and distance from being alive.

I sit on sunset cliffs, and the shore line grove,
Night time peers and I hold my apparel close,
It's cold out here and the memories are flashes,
Casted out and left on the outfield of vastness.

I caress my own shoulders and breathe in a sigh,
The pines are nestling around my presence up high,
The week has been long but tonight will be longer,
Can't feel my toes and my heart is at a stutter.

Sinking into the ground I torn,
Looking out the endless visions of demure shores,
I set myself aside and see the blue light,
It must be easy to give up to the weak fight.

I use constant talks with myself to keep myself awake,
If I fall asleep, the creatures will come and take.

My eyes are getting dreary,
I hope someone soon finds me.

It's already here

2010-03-05T21:21:00.000-08:00

Just licking the end points clean now,
The open pastures that realm inside my head,
They are a black mess,
The dingoes are eating the shrubbery called " last food."
Many said that he may come soon.

I opened my closet and found misery in what to wear, for who cares,
Mother lays her head down and see's blank pages,
The porch is filled with erased hop scotch lines and dirt puddles,
I seek a answer, but get questions instead,
Will all turn to the same, each other for refuge,
Dawn appears and you still cower behind the walls of your room.

Trying to make sense of a disaster may be possible,
But trying to fix it may be impossible,
I can see lonely faces, and discouraged places,
The hands that need to be reached out to,
They are trying to rummage whats left in their pockets.

Evil lies in most eyes,
It circles twice around your cornea, and tells you that things are going down,
The screaming girl next door, is asking for help,
But you don't care, you just call the landlord for assistance,
You need to see that everyone needs someone,
Especially how things are going now.

Connections are placed on earth to seal a definable allowance,
That you must pursue a friendship, not wait while many ask why,
Connect with the person next to you and tell them you think they are great,
Instead of feeling lost and always in a debate.

I felt thunder yesterday and knew that the clouds will be dark as soon as I stepped outside,
But I decided not to hide..

I would rather feel the lightening, then be frightened of whats to come,
I will be your wing tonight,
I will tell you that everything is going to be hell,
But soon the day will come when disaster will be done.

You will see you need to still have hope in order to really feel true tears,
Because your body releases the pain through your mind, but never through your fears.

The deep horizons of density will soon turn to cirrocumulus,
Lay here with me on this pastured land,
And wait while we discover what lies in our hands.

Manifestations..

2010-03-04T22:18:00.000-08:00

I felt his hand rinse over my face with my hopes being placed right under his palms. I would have like to think that never meeting him would have set me to better days, but that would be foolish of me.

I think I am dreaming, because he has never touched me. He has never been in the presence of me. I have never seen his lips move in front of my gawking eyes. I have only heard the angelicy of his voice echo through the night drifts. I don't see him when he makes mistakes, or do I when he is perfect. He could have been a memory, but what is a memory without imagery. Is it just endless words you think you see him speak. " Remember that day..." but there was no " that day".

When you first saw me, was it in a bookstore, or was it when I was waiting in line to get dinner. Did you meet me when I went to that bon fire, or did you meet me when your friends invited you over.

Can I ask what you smelled when you were near me. Was it the smell of vanilla I wear all the time, or was it the lavender I put on occasions.

What did I wear on the first day I was with you. Was it my red floral summer dress, or the black jeans with a cotton top. What do you day about what I wore, were you silent or were you enthralled.

Can you think of when we first held hands. Was yours sweaty or was mine dry. Did you feel my lotion or did you feel my pulsating heart.

When we had that moment where you looked me in the eyes, did you get dancing fireflies in your chest. Did you stop breathing and wonder what would happen next. Did you see me as something more then just a friend.

When you stopped looking in my eyes and felt my two lips. Did you think they were soft and did you think I would kiss you back. Did you expect to just give me a peck, or were your intentions greater. When you kissed me with intensity, did it feel like forever, or was it everything you dreamed of.

When you touched my hair to feel my thick strands, did you pull me in closer because you wanted to hold me. Did you want to make me feel loved.

When you rested my head against your chest, did you want me to hear your heart. Did you want me to feel you tremble because you were feeling like you met the one. Did you think I knew the same.

The day you said you loved me, did you mean it.

The day you met me, was but a fantasy.

My make believe.

A delusional imagery.

But you said you loved me...

so now what?

2010-03-03T23:47:00.000-08:00

I take all there is, and leave it where it shall be found,
The reserve I thus betwixt has shriveled on high elevations,
And matters for others to example, have not been with pleasant satisfactions,
Magnitude you prevail has long ceased to flood,
I watch with patience, and only hope gestures will scale first.

Will thou feel you like once before,
On cottages with jagged muses,
I will see you on the moon in which was far longed,
I must keep to a comment I knew would take flight,
Please mercy, will'st take hands on open fires,
They exhume so much preasure, for shall it be desires,
Take away what once was wrong, leave on cotton with pickers that belong.

I only knew what was once before, I only wondered what not asked for,
This is a symbolism of ones many triumphs,
To take over and leave me at fault,
On echoes and lions hearts that exhaust,
They steer in the directions that cast me afar,
For many passages leave me depart.

Chastened by the greatest of all,
You watched me believe, now do you see me fall?

I seek none, and only the darkest rooms,
For there I will find solace, and power in my discovered lume.

Take me in this moment of discretion,
Maybe a revolution will take place,
The end is near, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Amidst the longest drain, you feel above and among the insane,
This is where the epiphany lies,
You see yourself for you- and no longer compromise.

2010-03-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

Describing this one word..

Ignition of my own blunt lines that I bury in this dirt,
The unknown talks that spell through an invisible aerial,
I watched all the lies that many have chalked down a board so black,
Believe me when I say- I am not that.

The beauty of this day is radiating off my skin,
It feels it and sinks it down to my sweet side,
I would see the dark cumulus before and think of depression,
Now when I look up, I see the cold rush,
I see the swirls of electrical currents, that are alive and absolute,
The mountains refining in royal blues and the whistles of the hugging winds.

The rose I gave to a past valentine was folded in tin foil,
I wanted to keep it from wilting and to it keep fresh and pristine,
But now I realize that I should have let its pedals drop,
Let it rot and let it die,
To let the flower feel alive and free, and to feel suffering,
And to feel that there is life on the other side.

I flip my pillow over to grace against the gelid flush,
I drift to sleep and I have flutters of compact colors,
Maybe some distant memories, and maybe lost kisses,
But the arguments were not there, and the mistakes were gone.

The florals of patchy quilts and white sheets bundle me in a trance,
I awaken to this cloudy day,
The floor aches in my early bird dance,
I start singing elton john songs, and remember me in a handmade princess dress,
My tiarra sparkling and my ballerina shoes to match.

I listen to the word.. I listen to his word.

I get up to Laguna hills and the golden blaze it still emits,
Within the canopy of darkness, I see one hill shining bright,
I take my sketchbook out and start to draw,
I drew everything but that hill,
That light that blooms off it, will transfer to me today,
I don't need to describe it,
It went through my skin,
Down to my sweet side.

I felt his word....

2010-02-28T22:54:00.000-08:00

Expelling an airstream upon an open day- and I let it go then,
I was fearful that times would be regressing rather the progressing,
Once I looked to you, the acquiescence was not the way,
And the bottom of my fingers wrapped high on the discharge,
Losing everything, and giving all I got, was not the answer to what I sought.

Thus the gain I was bestowed this morning, was bright and pure,
It channeled inside my muscles that were sore,
It creased under my lids that I have forgotten to open,
I reaped deep in the makers eyes, and could see the content I finally was gifted,
The ivory and brass that is inside, not on the outside,
It was so cleansing and powerful.

Beyond my measures and prodding, it was right here this whole time,
To feel a freedom that is unmarked and unwritten,
No one can buy that, no one can ask for it,
It is placed within your mind at birth,
To uncover it, is your own desired attempts to retrieve it.

I can see you still though, you are there,
You have the same expressions and the same attempts,
Yet now...
Now...
I am my own axenic culture.

I am a child and have inncoent needs now,
I can close out the bad and confusing,
Building something with no blocks, would have never worked,
I am going to stick to what I know,
And delete the things uncalled for.

There is a heart storm today,
It travelled far to get here,
Now that it appears at my house,
I do not shut my doors and close my windows,
I leave the place to sample the pain, and let my true heart conquer the storm.

I see you, and it doesn't bother me anymore,
I see you all, and vociferate the words from truth,
I lowered my head today, and let the rush of honesty and patience take over.

I am far beyond and in the midst of change.

thank you...

arid

2010-02-27T23:45:00.000-08:00

She was once cloistered in a barricade, not meaning to be there. The colors of the air were red and violent. She escaped from the place she was, and now you can hear her stroll. The bangles on here wrists jingle and slide back and forth against her moist skin. The Tuscany of her dark features as the highlights of her face shown off the commencing sun. She took the deepest breath and covered her mouth so she could remember she was substantial. Her body would sway with aided force, like the grassy meadows that she had forgotten. The dirt was like puddles around here bare feet. She could feel the textures that were hidden under the callice skin of her heals. Amongst the whirlwind of thoughts she was unable to control, her mind was playing tricks with her. Thus far, she could barely make out a oasis that laid on flat grounds. With the potency that arose around her fully alive body, she casted herself in fast motions. Making sure that her abilities would not be shadowed upon the time she would get there. The ten acrches she felt crusted intently upon her lips was needing the quench of bedewed water.

She felt the dirt become etchy rocks and stones and from there glass and blades. She kept perceviering with the strive she had for thirst and reviving her state of being. The calice skin later turned to a mess of muscle tissue and blood. She kept going. She exampled herself from a testament of the book. That she will never give up. The path became a scortching flood of desolate nothing. As she took a deep breath again, the stregth was being lost. She valued the last minutes she felt she would have. Craving the end, and yet wanting the end of this conquer much more.

Her knees fell upon the lands and her fingers were left empty and shooken. Looking up over her luminous strands, she is soaked in her own sweat and tears. She tries to focus her eyes to envision the surroundings one last time. Then as her hands drew to her face, the light silver purified her blear and desiccated lips. She was ecstatic as she realized she had made it. The water trickled down her chest and forearms as her heart pulsed with exhaustion and relief.

She knew from that point on, life has begun now.

2010-02-25T21:05:00.000-08:00

By this elliptical day I can spare a chance to be human,
My vital signs are occult every so often,
Friendly outtakes that strewn on through,
Hurt climbs my loss and now I know what to do,
Nothing left to say to change your mind,
Shall you return, I will follow the hopeless and blind.

I said I was unhappy and left on a lifeline,
Drying my eyes and asking to forgive,
I sank down to the last sewn on sphere,
Buttons were loose and threads soon appeared.

You say that hearts can worry together and feel the same,
Running to the nearest exit, which to turn, which to refrain,
My grace is falling at the stairway that starts,
Never ends, only plummets my heart.

I found my way to you long before,
Lost may be for many, I am confident that you have forlorn,
This string show that plays in your head,
Watching me desperate and mislead,
I keep my head up to reach for to much,
You grasp the strings and my weightlessness is at your clutch.

Outside this hole I once chewed myself deep,
The skyway buildings that cower around me,
In paper walls and evading halls,
I see a person with the death he gave in,
I am crawling, just watching him.

I quiken my crawl and seek for an answer,
Quiet dear, listen to me and do not tear,
He speaks with remorse and something with meaning,
But his face has disgrace, and shadows my seeing.

The crowd of dust and black asphalt,
Trickles inside my cells that you pealed off,
This blackens the hole that yearns for me to get lost,
In this I found you before,
Understanding, never no more.

I had my face to yours and sweetly said you name,
I devoured the words you praised my eyes and ears,
Trying to comfort me and take away my lifelong fears,
You said the things I wanted to feel,
Longing to be accepted and believing I would heal.

I felt warm when you held me close to your chest,
Till you pulled me in this hole, and now I forget all the rest.

Happy was me and you,
But anguish became the prelude.

2010-02-24T20:56:00.000-08:00

Sincerely,

I always will have something to hide that no one can construe,
Sometimes I won't even know where I am going,
A lot of the time I don't know what to say to myself,
When the air is empty, I feel like crying,
I crave attention and yet when I get it - not enough,
I turn away from people when they give affection,
Yesterday I forgot what day it was, and still I am lazy to find out.

I have three hundred dollars in my account,
I know how to look beautiful, but I don't know how to feel it,
The gym is packed full of people, so I turn around,
I have a house full of food, but I would rather get generic greasy fries,
Passing by a pack of guys saying hello, I smile ( sadly I don't have anyone),
Looking out my tiny kitchen window, I see nothing,
No matter how many times people tell me I am sexy, I am still shy and nervous,
It's hard to breathe when I am face to face with someone,
Feeling exposed when I am naked and the lights are on.

I left him because I was abused, or was it because I was bored,
People see me as happy, yet I know the truth,
At least once a day I think about death,
I feel others noticing me, but I don't notice myself,
I take photos of me, to see how emotionless and empty I really am,
I crave someone to hold me at night, no sex, just hold me,
Praying to god is what I once did, now I am not sure if he has given up yet,
The showers I take are usually hot, so the cold skin I have warms up.

I used to read and enjoy just being in a corner,
The words scramble together now, and tears strike every line,
I still think of that prissy guy I was with and broke up with,
I wonder if those days were when I was happy,
My family said there was never a time I was content,
The covers I sleep in suffocate me with it's loneliness,
I write to give myself a release, yet I am not sure if it's bringing me down as well.

People say I am lucky,
I think about that for a while,
Trying to wrap my mind around the many who live in dyer times,
Why do I only feel pity for myself though,
Why am I so selfish and can't fucking get it,
Here I am though, with this sin,
I want to be ugly,
There would be no expectations if I was ugly,
But I was born a deep personality, with soft features,
He only wants to have my legs, not my brain,
Everything I have learned is worthless in love,
It seems to crumble me eventually.

I think I think to much,
Wanting a place to stay, not my own place though.

Walking to the vacant fall,
I see fireflies bounce off my eyes,
I smile, and wonder what it's like to fly with light,
I only know the dark,
How it would be to fly away from my problems, with light to guide me out of my tunnel.

2010-02-22T21:41:00.000-08:00

I considered your invitation,
As my mind wonders where you lead me to see,
Nothing else you can do, but what else can you be,
I starve for truth, yet still I chaise after you,
If I saw what was there, would it be the right thing to do.

Hanging on things that seemed unforgettable,
In the lament of things that were reliable,
I touched your face and felt a shiver,
I felt that you were my soul, can I live without you here,
Why is it so loud in the place of solitude, why can I not hear?

I cradled near your steps, and asked you to see me,
Let yourself seek through,
To my eyes they say much,
I longed for you, asked for your touch,
Despite, there is nothing of such.

I wasted my time, but is it time worth giving,
I had smiles and moments that were nice,
But this is the choice I now make, I feel it must be wise,
Scared yes,
Tired yes,
Wanting to die- sometimes,
But I accept a lot, and this is enough,
I will keep you somewhere in my heart, but not within love.

Your disaster was my yearn,
Your whispers to life were my expressions of concern,
You let me feel so many things,
But over my head and under my feet,
I cared for you, but now this is where we part and leave.

Another step in my life I take,
For whatever the intentions- I was always me,
But still- I will never be the same,
You and I could never be.

I lay here and spoke to you,
I once loved you.

Pretend

2010-02-21T16:40:00.000-08:00

Everyone is watching,
I have the weight on my shoulders, and I don't have any leverage,
I may be struggling, but you wouldn't know,
I keep my mouth shut, and watch through closed doors.

I played pretend when I was eight,
I have fake color in my hair now, and my muscles are sore,
So much stress and not much to live for,
But the tree keeps growing fruit, so I keep trying.

Panic renders me when I am nervous,
Tension lives in later days,
Savior was my mother when I was in a faze,
But now the lights seem dark and gone,
Found is when your over with and done.

Show me where to go

Reappear and go away,
I am not sure, maybe over with and drained,
Shifting in from depth and flat,
I was the one, now I am last.

This is it and not at all,
You can have me when you call,
I asked for you to the passer by,
They said you forgot, and never wondered why.

All I needed was a chance to show,
Hundred times you should have told,
But changing never ceased,
You were what I dreamed, but never what I wanted to be.

I explained and detailed long,
But you looked away, and said I was wrong,
I conveyed something that was out of words,
You were standing while I was unheard.

I knew you and how you sensed,
This was filth and never rinsed,
I should have cleaned up before,
But I kept my mouth shut, and watched through closed doors.

I know how,
To get rid of people like you now.

Get cold and be like stone,
You have no heart, and your meant to be alone.

Passing

2010-02-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

Something is missing,
Maybe I should ignore the temptations to lose it all,
I will be stronger then this,
The museum that putters is abstemious,
I follow but I end to soon,
I feel content with my borders and barriers in my room.

I lost control but now I am sane,
Guide you gave to me,
Made me have a pure destiny,
Like the drive that keeps me driven,
Day after day, night after night- you keep me living.

Simple thoughts and taverns wide,
Tuscan leaves and tired faces hide,
Taking to frotage upon your gifts,
Resting over the love you graced, and gestured happiness.

River slithers down a crowd so big,
Found me in droplets so vivid,
You took my hand and carried me to the sanctuary,
With your balance you cured my breathing,
I never knew something so blind,
My heart is trying to recover- relieving.

Shine bright star in the night,
You helped me through this deprivation,
You left me long ago,
But you never really went away, just a castled shadow,
I hoped you would come back, as you lifted me slow,
Letting me believe, that I can still have hope.

I am brave to face what I must overcome,
With everything stripped, and in pieces,
You helped me learn to practice the pain,
Into something learned, and something to gain.

On my knees I indulge in what is true,
No poetry, just a quiet sound of the soul you grew,
Made me on a waiting game,
Worth the while, for all is better- broken the chains.

thank you

Calamity

2010-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

I am not afraid of fear,
It is something that quells and serenades till it disappears,
The brother of the sun came to eclipse my days,
Walking with gashes in my skin, and still I am not afraid.

Alterations had to be made when I fell from the sky,
I was not born, but came invincible through spheres in your eyes,
I demanded a lot, but little to be said,
Dragging my torn ligaments amidst the land of the dead.

Here my wings are spread with scales and thorns,
Enough to rip your throat with my anguish and scorn,
Dust and mud are served in bleach,
Hair clumps fall from my head as I service my creed.

I worry that you think I won't make it,
God is everywhere, and you think I don't know,
He see's the will I made was inferior,
But I will never subservient you, I do not fear.

I love the rotting perdition you will succumb,
On shaky grounds you feel overcome,
I say meaning in what you say not,
I may be the the terminal in which you sought.

I had you locked within a chamber in my heart,
Watched the end come near as my anti bodies ripped apart,
Your the complaint I told my nerves to abolish,
Hurt, pain, death, - my anguish.

The poison is how I see you,
I tried to dilute you with all the drugs I have,
But all I could do is feel lonely, cold, and sad.

Die with me then, I won't take you fear away,
Because you were the fear to begin with.

I am not afraid.

fucked over

2010-02-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

If everyone ( meaning those who don't read this) laughs at each other for just once. How I notice that the unforgettable Mr know it all is looking at me today. He says he has standards and knows how to get what he wants. I am sure he does and I am sure I don't care. Maybe I have this assertive knack to get into someones head. To understand why they like me and why they think they know me right off the back.

I am not easy because I am creative. I have black nails that have been chewed and chewed back on. I have my hair 75% in my face, and no I am not emo. What the hell is emo? I am a woman. I tuck in my shirt to make sure you don't see my fucking thong hanging out. I am not a slut. What the hell is a slut? My hair is straightened and my face is put on every day at six ten in the morning. No I am not fake. What the hell is fake? I like to say that you are a hypocritical fool that has no boundaries when it comes to bringing others down. I like to say that you may have the charm and you may have many talents, but do you even know when my birthday is or what my hobbies are? Would you even be interested? I think that I may be wrong a lot, but with you I think I hit the nail straight enough to hit the side of the brain you never use. But which side would that be? I see you gazing for hours with that Jack Daniels look on your face. I think it wouldn't matter which side I hit.

I thought I would dress up flirty today because I didn't give a fuck what would happen ( although I had an idea). I came up to those ten feet tall glass doors, and I opened them with my burgandy hair swaying to the music of Metallica. You were sitting with this arsed expression, and I came up to you and gave you a fortune cookie. It was already open so you wouldn't have to use your manly strength to open it. I then left you with your I don't know what just happened thoughts. I went up the spiraling bookcase of stairs, and let my side view seek your later intentions. You opened the cookie and then your face dented in with a furious composure.

How does it feel to be fucked over?

I never knew what a man was before. If he would be tall or know what he wanted in life. I didn't know if he would be a working man and keep me safe from harm. I didn't know if he had a wallet or he had just a backpack and his two legs to get him from point a to z. I say z because I am not sure if he would be a man who was lazy and sat on his recliner or computer chair and he could only accomplish point b. There are those who actually go to the gas station and fill up their tank to the full amount without waiting till he is completely out of gas and say that is what men do. I have seen over six guys do that already. They wait till the gas is lick dry, and walk a block to look manly. That is not manly. I think you wanted me to pick you up you lazy ass bum. I am at work though, cause that is what a woman does. They are independent these days.

I think to feel meaningless is to feel like your life is going nowhere. Like everyday you wake up and you do absolutely nothing different. Even if you were to change your wardrobe up a bit, that would be meaningful, but you don't even do that. You look at your empty cupboard and ask yourself why you don't even know how you got food in there. Why you are even looking for food, cause you are not hungry. You have no desire to eat that last goldfish. You have no energy to make fettuccine, because you have no soul. That is a bit harsh, but you have no soul basically. Someone took it away from you. Or a lot of people took it away from you. You gave yourself away to so many like a stray cat. You rubbed up the wrong way every single time. That is why they never come back to you. They use you, and you let them use you.

I did something so stupid today, I gave in. I looked at my horoscope and it said I have a lot to look forward to. It said that today is MY DAY. I don't think I read it right. I believed it for once and I thought that today was my day. I would have profound chemical connections today. I don't know what exactly it meant by that, but it was referring to love. I was surprised and kinda anxious to see what would happen. I am going on a blind date, so maybe that is what it meant by connections. Maybe he is the one( I am being naive).

I went to the mysterious spot I would meet. I know how it feels to be fucked over. Got stood up once again.

You are never going to have a day that is your day. Some other person will always claim it. On your birthday someone will claim it because they hate that you are happy. People can't stand people who are happy. You see some random people and feel a flush of puke green envy towards them. They are smiling, laughing, and doing things your not. You remember the days when you were happy, having flash backs of your ex's and once upon a time family you once had. Your day will not come, and your happiness will come and fade eventually. You go out to a club, you eat dinner with good friends, or you got a new haircut. Your hair is eventually going to grow out again and your going to have to find a new barber. Life is shit all the time, you just have to make sure you don't get constipated from it. My friend told me that the other day. They were one of the most happiest lucky go charm people I met.

They got fucked over eventually too.

Under my bed there is a package of twenty newly varnished playboy magazines. Then right next to those is my self loading pistol. I am going to take the mini torch I have in my garage. I am going to grab the mags and place them on the cotton pillow with cum stains on them. I will then set it aflame as I watch the bimbos die for some sort of pleasure. I will see your bed burn and your porn shit burn more. I am then going to take the pistol and place it in the back of my pants pocket. Its a tight fit, but I just need you to see it. You come home and see the burned stains in your room, your bed in ashes. Your stupid sluts in crumbles. Then you see my pistol. You look at me and know now not to fuck with me again.

I felt fucked over, but later it boomeranged to you.

I head to my car and feel like a tyrant with blood rushing up and down my veins. I am happy, for now at least. I take it back. I had my day today.

Assholes are looking at me as I walk through the shopping district. All they want is what is in my pants. I don't think they would want it, once they mess me over. I turn my head to a group of guys that are antagonizing for my attention. I lift up my shirt so they see it. There faces fall right off there cocks. I am a woman. I am a person. I am more then you'll ever be able to handle.

You'll get fucked over.

I head down to the end of the mall and get myself a new dress to once again start the cycle. My name is what you want it to be, cause my real name is long gone.

2010-02-17T22:34:00.000-08:00

The soft silhouette that trails behind me is in light cloudy shades,
I lean over the sink and rinse off the smeared eyeliner- I put it on again,
And then I reach my hands to mesh a lather of crisp apple,
I deeply inhale the orchard as my spine sinks back in,
I give a few seconds to see myself for what is truth.

I ingress with short tread near the creaky way,
My eyes feel swollen and banal,
My chest is failing me in a gradual fall,
The place may be spinning, but I must keep myself steady.

Only a few more days

Water pours effortlessly into my mouth with no taste and no emotion,
Just like my weeks- as I put on my clothes with unheeded moves,
I stay still for a few minutes and think of what is to come,
The plush carpet as it pulls me in it's layers of no return,
I have questions, yet none will ever be answered.

I feel it coming and where will I be bound when it hits me,
The days seem to coalesce like an untold book,
If the pages forever stay blank, then there is no worth,
Listening for something to tell me it's alright,
The morning will come when this won't become,
But only my mortal view has say.

Is it just an oppression that coinsides within my stature,
It never seems to angle itself to the right motives,
The dark enters every room now,
It is in every room as I enter and leave,
I would smile but it hurts to lie,
Faking for the innocence that forever died.

Disappearing so much that I can't even see my own face anymore,
The lines are not there like they were,
The ridges of my jaw and the opals of my eyes are vanished,
The tone is vibrating off of every wall,
Echoes of silence makes it even deeper.

What am I anymore?

I look into every soul and see things and hear things I wish I wouldn't,
I see the many, and feel like descending right in their arms,
What good am I to anyone though,
I latch upon the anguish I feel,
Being careful not to tell others or reveal.

I am apart from all

See me as I pass vigorously by,
My slender body and my soft features are a lie,
Inside there is a wall I built that has caused me trouble all my life,
I walk on stones to feel that I am still alive,
I drink acid so I can taste my own misfortunes,
And the air is dirty pollution of the smoke that evades my despair.

I have tried so damn hard to incover the many layers I hide beneath,
I say hello and give myself post-its that have encouraging words I wrote the day before,
I know what I am to myself though,
Coming home and curling in a ball asking for the light,
Banging my head with pleading answers and still wanting to cry.

Its all I think about now,
The days seem to drag out with so much pain,
Trying to make my mind busy and restrained,
Never seems to work,
Singing in the car with the music blaring as loud as I can,
To take out the sounds of the depression I can't stand.

Last day is near- I feel it

The lock was twisted and pulled with power,
I make my way under the stairway tower,
Past the garage and the parking lot of none,
To the car and down the road of no return,
Passing everyone by and wondering if they know,
Through the silent motor and inside the glossy window,
Life has taken its tole and seems to wrap itself around like wire,
Choking every last bit till it is gone,
My feelings, my thoughts, my dreams.... are done.

I looked in the mirror this morning, and saw nothing.

2010-02-17T10:28:00.001-08:00

You can't carry me at all.
I am not the wagon you can pull and later get your cargo you waited for,
On this drunken night with my Bacardi giving me the moods,
I cant' tell you that I want your lonely swoons.

This is the sun and it scorches on my life,
I smile at the sparkle I gave off long ago,
Seems to simmer down now though,
It resides in a little place I forgot to remember.

My hair is dark and long against my back,
It carries the weight of the pain you put upon,
I twist my hand back to reveal my veins,
They stretch in crosses that Jesus restrained.

Mustn't you ponder a existent that is deadly,
On the perch that lies loosely over metal shards,
You dangle your neck and let me see your mistakes,
I move my head back and tell you to die anyway.

I am something that you will never be able to understand.

I lay Indian as my crayola chaffs across the page,
Dust storm of pink and yellow blends with my rage,
A forest, a brush, a prickly place to hide,
I look through the darkness and slowly convey,
I needed to tell you- the death you willingly made.

Please pretense a moment when I lived,
Making the pleasure of what we did,
On you I was a stallion, so wild and in trance,
You would yell my name I would pull down your pants.

Now what we have here- is something so dastardly,
I vomit at the fact you were on top of me,
Yet once again I see that it was I,
In the country of the lost,
Yearning for what you applied.

The tissue is on the bookcase high,
I won't use them today, for you shall die,
Death is presuming you in your quake,
I use the deepest graphite to uncover your fate.

I mourned with my veil over my pale nude,
Dropped meaningless nothings on your casket cocoon,
And whistled at the morning day,
For the thing that brought you down,
Has made me stronger in every way.

Sipping lightly on your drunken tomb,
Dearest... you will not be missed anytime soon.

2010-02-15T12:44:00.000-08:00

Why would this be my endorphin?

The suffering is like a razor slicing my spleen in miniscule cubes. Your laughing at how I am cowering on the broken tile ground. I am a good person though. I make sure I smile when you speak. The millions that feel like they are hurting, well honey there is so many others who are hurting more then you. The black abyss I am in is ugly and dead. I wash and bathe in it and then dry myself off with it. I am exposed.

I am the clerk you shook hands with at the counter, and forgot to tell you they had a disease.

I am the person who honked at you to get a life.

I am the person who asked if you are having a good day at Starbucks, but secretly wanted to rape you.

I am the gardener who couldn't speak your language, but cussed at you in English anyways.

I thought of you as the lover I never had, and the demon that I never knew existed. You embellished something in me that will never sifter out. I am going to go out to that chlorinated peed in pool and sit on the 96 degree pave.. and get cancer spots. I don't give a F***.

I have a silver heart now. I can do anything. I am going to tell mother mary that I have something more to live for, to reveal the world for the corruption it is. The deadly side of it. How girls look at each other and feel like ripping each others organs out. How most men care about another lay rather then another day. The food is running low and all anyone can think about is when they will ever be in love again.

What the hell is true love? Is it finding a person with that fire that burns in your desires. That will make your desires last a little longer then expected. Men and woman usually have only one thing in common. It is whats under our clothes that makes the world go round.

Children are the only innocent ones.

Then they reach the age of adolescence, and all hell breaks lose. Its not like I blame it on everyone that they are sinners. We all are though.

The chimes are breaking their silence now and the lighthouse you set up for me to come to is vanishing. I walked right up to you, the slut you wanted. Just as you desired. You looked at me up and down, and the world decided that all you wanted was blow jobs. You just wanted me to fight for our sex and pleasures. I am not into that shit though. I love sex.. but I am into the adrenalin of it, not the dedication of it.

I realized I am in a battle now. I am crying because I know I deserved better. We all feel that way though. We all want that perfect knight to sweep us up off our sexual make believes. I feel sorry for those girls stuck in magazines to find out how to be perfect. There is no perfect.

There are some myths that men self consciously are attracted to a woman's thighs and an hour glass figure. Three out of five woman and men like a person with darker features. But there is always that mystery that people love to find out about someone. Secrets that make that person interesting. Knowing them is just the beginning of the lust. Never start out a relationship with what you have in common. Just wing it and find out about the other stuff along the way.

In order for me to feel normal again is in the past now. I can sense that the guy in the back of the classroom has hammered ten girls before he came to this semester. I chuckled at the fact I am not the only one with problems.

So many are in the loop of being insane, we just kinda have to remember we are as well. We have times when we feel our head needs to be screwed on a little tighter then it is. Mine is on two more screws. The men in my life took the others and used it to screw there's in tighter. That's what we do though. We use other people's sanity and make ourselves sane again by making them insane. Its the weirdest and most bizarre thing, but I see it happen all the time.

I hope he rots in hell eventually, but until then I will keep smile on my face and laugh at his disgrace.

I think happiness is something found with meaning. Without meaning, all you have is sinful momentary pleasure.

2010-02-13T22:06:00.000-08:00

I mentioned to myself that I was going to walk far along the coast,
That the sand would fill my curly hair with all the spray I put in it the day before,
How the black jacket had my fathers name in Harley Davidson calligraphy on the mid back,
I could hear all the distant people down the goat bay beach,
Pearly sparkles shone off the risen sea,
And my little brother would be laughing at me getting caught in sea weed.

The ball had four lines on either side, curved and edged,
I would penetrate it to the cement three and a half bounces before I dunked it in the hoop,
Then the black widow would scatter by as my mallards would gobble it up,
I smiled and yelled after them in my duck language,
" Sapphire, Diamond!" I then walked two and a half acres,
Let my fingers glide over the sap on the front porch tree.

The big hill that had a little forbidden garden,
And my tricycle that I would ravage down on,
I dared myself to take off the wheels- so I did,
Face first in the snowy mud,
With my invisible hat on and my invisible suitcase,
I head back upstairs as my mom read me Corduroy to calm me down.

The walls were a burgandy purple and I chose skylight blue,
She laughed at me and said don't make a mess,
We had drips all over the wooden planks,
I scrubbed them so hard I could see blisters on my hands,
She argued that I was the best,
I laughed and watched the summer children chaise each other outside my window.

You took my hand and I should have known this would happen,
My life has flashed before me a million times over now,
All I see is what was once before and now I only can ask why,
I let you take my hand and nothing seems normal anymore,
Everyday is just a blur,
I am alone and will stay at mere age 21,
Because you took my hand and now I am done.

please don't do this to someone else...

Inclined

2009-12-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

Declining...I am tossed.

Thrown off this record and left with naked wounds,
Understated and small in your tomb,
Do you see as I stand my ground,
Ripped apart and torn my gown.

I am apart and hands clenched,
My eyes whither to your gaze,
Hurdles of pain fill me in waves,
But here I stand in this daze.

Don't try to keep me from breathing,
Even as you go out that brisk,
I am not revealing,
No more of my hearts tears will line my face,
Even as you belittle and disgrace.

You can see that I am scared of you and what you do,
But as I keep my feet steady and still,
Would you really,
Try and forfeit your kill.

I am gone and this heart is already dead,
But as for my soul- I am fed,
It has eaten upon your self doubt and jealousy,
Your love you once had,
Takes and strangles me.

I can stand here and watch you pick me apart,
But not once will I give up my life,
You took to much already,
why would I be unsteady.

I am here to tell you that you can take all those rapid beats,
The ones that are terrified of you and this defeat,
I can be down and feel the drench in my mouth,
But no more will you be allowed.

I will be apart from the pain you caused,
As my heart will fall and feel your pause.

I have been breathing this whole time,
After the anguish and despair,
You were gone, and on the ground I was there.

I was scared.

Don't know You

2009-11-30T20:47:00.001-08:00

I don't want to bother you, I won't promise you either,
It hurts to be away from here,
But life is my fear,
Exertions in my pain will lead me insane.

Steaming candles will spill their wax on my hands,
I stand still and feel the hell you give,
The immense penetration you build,
The hole you dug up, and never planned to fill.

It's okay, I won't bother you,
I will walk away from the silence you let off,
I will walk away from the pain the cuffs,
Around my neck I plead for you,
Strangle the rusticated words you endue.

I will fall asleep from the dumb shit that leaks from your spirit,
Lets me pamper myself in all that deforms in it,
Hello sun that seemed to keep itself from waking up,
Even the day has had enough.

I can't seem to wrap my finger around you,
You pull me in - then you throw me back,
You make me happy - then you relapse.

It's no expectation that you are what you are,
But it does not mean I have to be here,
Does not mean I have to listen or hear,
What bull you must spit at my face,
I will walk away from your dead dusk place.

You can find me in your room tonight,
I will be no where in sight.

No surprise this would be,
That the death of us- would be your personality.

Aloft

2009-11-24T19:46:00.000-08:00

Bracing a slur of silver toe heals down my chair,
My posture is align to my despair,
Moonlight vista that serenades through,
Black archery that parades what I do.

God will require a bit of a mess,
Necessitate a fair chain that rests upon thy breast,
Fire and ash will ablaze abwatt marble,
Radiant wounds will seal my awful.

Shall I shut the window in this ounce of eve,
Stroking the mislaid vowels that I receive,
Rustles of pruning branches hell through high,
Shall I cry?

Wasted and unsaved arrangements on cold night,
I sit with no words to ignite,
Twisting my dearth wrists till I see you,
Eclipse of evil in the room.

Laying my clothes out on the bed,
Moonlight leaves the woman dead.
Picking which one's you would choose,
You cheated on me - so I guess I lose.
Moonlight leaves the woman dead.

Drink my wine to feel you my love,
I sit and feel the pain you caused.

Adagio

2009-11-18T13:27:00.000-08:00

In this resided assemblage I confide with only persecuted unspoken depth,
Adifice that sacrifices my own farewell - on scavenged primer I step,
perceptual link that presses my breasts,
Secured on belts, hold tight to what's left,
On canny frames that respite with fragmented chromatic beams,
I lay to conjecture my dreams.

Oh tis a feeling to mall,
With my nest in clusters of my vail,
I undo the municipal part of my canopied tail,
Bruited by worthy standards of courtship,
I long for such things,
Down through drunken orgasms,
I lay but to ask of him.

Piratical spasms.

I am sane.

Inhere in to the ugly darkness that surrounds the day,
On top of long gowns and sheets of red,
I let myself internalize musket mess,
His rapture and existence may conclude,
I can undress in fond - baring nude.

Incumbent to a dreaded stare,
Whisped my face marks with chalk and stick,
I let him impair,
Making more of it.

Rolling in such a magnitude beyond recognition,
I feel the solitude that incisions,
Coming so serene with my place on this rest,
Leaning to my widened dress.

One hand on the post and one hand on most,
Taking his apple and breathing in,
He lets his deepness be spoken.

Having his way with the vail now gone,
As we conclude from dusk to dawn.

Messages

2009-11-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

I got this message from you and I read it twice,
After the second I decided to not be nice,
I took long strides and took a breath,
Looked at the one you needed so much- and left.

If It wasn't for the honesty you gave and smiles you saved,
The questions I asked and the lies that masked,
I would have been a fool for your power and will,
I could have stayed in the lonely and strayed.

Here I am looking at your enlightenment,
Your contended assignment,
Making me feel the pain that I knew I would,
But I can walk away - as I do - you understood.

I am yours and you were all I wanted,
Never this envy and taunting,
She can have what she wants,
I want nothing that hurts and haunts.

Nightmares take a hold of me now,
Everynight I dream of us and how we used to be,
How we were so close and never to far,
How I loved everything that you were.

What happened?

Tell me .. can you take these tears that fall,
Can you make up excuses at all,
Is it me or is it you,
Can I blame it on what you pursued.

This is the last time I take chances on something I care so much,
I gave with all my soul, delicate laughter, and touch,
Sitting here asking what was the point,
This message that will soon disappoint.

I need you to tell me what happened to us,
When you promised you would stay,
Never come up with excuses and dissmay,
I will hope you find something more,
Because I learned my lessons from the down pour,
The storm that took me life with one move,
Before I could ask why it blew.

I wished you could have been different because I did love, Now that you did that- I am far from this, Far from hurt and all your anguished mist.

Storm rises to my hair,
To show I stand still from a single care.

I am over you now.

Back Roads

2009-11-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

The street blares over the sun spots of my freckles,
Tasting my hair in my mouth, the scratchy leaves ravel,
I used to put on those old tales of man vs. dreams,
Make believe stories of love and fantasy.

Maybe I have had enough- big clearing in my view,
Shaking my legs to the beats of Cat Stevens shadow of the moon,
I lose my hands to not the shadows but to the light of day,
I am walking and huffing to the blistery igneous agay.

Dad told me to never let a man take you down,
Here I am with my torn shirt running from home,
Sun leads me off to these orchards that travel east and west,
Streets that echo off my chest.

I am a rural girl that has had enough of city men,
They take her for granted and blind her from her stem,
My tree that made my family has morals and values,
Walking alone and feeling over you.

I would have given you everything I had,
Till I valued those silly words of my dad,
I let you put your hands on my heart,
Graveling to the dirt- I am far apart.

Pungent syllables that exasperated from my thoat,
Leads me under the sun in scorched dirt,
I can't live in a tomorrow of the men that grieve,
I will walk away from pain that bleeds.

Skin will feel the taste of my struggles,
Pounding my feet against the nuzzles,
Leaves and stems that scratch the anguish,
Breathe within the naturalistic mess.

I will say that your kiss gave me love,
Your touch gave me pleasure,
But within the feelings I had enough,
The attentive holds grew lesser.

I am moving down these west and easts,
Never stopping to breathe or eat,
I will find the place that I once called home,
When I finally get there,
I will be done.

I can take my pants out of this dirt,
I can feel happiness without the hurt.

Its Love

2009-11-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

Break me a desiccate dust that saves only chances,
Moments that chained me from the free lances,
I must have been out of my mind when you came,
When I saw you down the rigid stain,
Red rested sun and shadows of clouds,
I came running with slow motion shrouds.

I felt the ugly mist that concluded when I left,
Lights turn off when I drift,
The founded grasses and things that follow,
Listen to the thimbles that I tip,
Stepping with my hearts reverberated rip.

I know what it is like to love,
To be included in something that stunns,
That can get you to admit when you are wrong and right,
Make you feel alone at night, or just out of sight,
To make it above and beyond, or not even at all,
Take me with you when you call.

I can see you clear as when I opened my eyes,
Days when I thought this could be a lie,
I see you there,
With my scouted lust in the air,
I wish I had the desire to move,
But you make and dividend me to remove,
Upon a carpet that could go as fast as I,
Take me with you in a zephyr above the skies.

I will tell you a secret when I come near,
I loved you from the beginning and beyond the volumetric years.

Feel me now.

Strength

2009-11-03T19:37:00.000-08:00

I must be out of my mind. I have seen you in the distance to many times now. Our past has fallen and our future has ceased. What are you though? What are you without the part of your lint that remains in your pockets? What are you without that downy fresh scent that simmers in the air? What are you without the other half of your heart?

Perdition are these grounds we lust,
Dirty heals that conch a sturdy rust,
I let in the air that you took long ago,
If I scream the head strong blow.

If all there is - is maybe a bottomless pit,
Where I warp out the endless bruit,
The stones that I threw to the lake,
The meaningless and fake.

We left the love we had once before,
We left it in the place we stored,
We locked it up and cleaned out the dust,
No one could tamper with the definition of us,
Secrets were said to one another,
But no one can ever consider us together.

We were for each other.

Oustanding sounds compelled how we moved,
What we felt and how we knew,
When we were in love all was a dream,
I couldn't even recognize what was real,
I only could tell we were able to feel.

One line and touch after the next,
We misinterpreted what was definitive and complex,
If I loved like the day I devoted,
We would have never demoted.

I can get lost in these saving momentum's he grew on me,
The way I cried and asked on my knees,
" Will you stay for just tonight ",
If I never left, he just might.

I love with clarity and heart,
I live with strength and ability to grow apart.

Some things you must leave at be,
Even if it hurts and you aren't able to see,
This love that you had so long,
Must end while you are still strong.

Universe

2009-09-11T15:09:00.000-07:00

Assemblage of one decade of observant solarity,

Abstracts a more pick and point clarity.
Ascension in the east and adjusted in the west.
Wandering objections upon the lument and crest.

Inferiority appearances of conspicuous elongation of Sun,

Foliage of conjunction fastly overcomed,

Phases of cumulus, chromatic smear, cratered fascinations, disks of linear,

Gargantuan absolute, to many to dispute,

Penumbral eclipse remains among shadows,

Commonly luner spotlight among windows.

Rotating Polaris, extension of second magnitude uprising,

Ascertain where you are- realizing,

Turn around, Orion belt promising,

Above brilliance there will be Capella in Auriga- Charioteer,

Nursery of illuminated stellar.

Richness of Summer,

Milky splendor,

Vega lies swan,

Finality of Autumn Dawn.

Ionization of encompassing flatulence,

Emission and reflection of nebula descents,

Radiating a scattered light blue dance.

Repudiating of discussion on pollutants.

Supernova triggering a collapse,

Clouds beginning to contract and fragment,

Minimal level- photesphere,

Corona lies above chromosphere,

Blotching differential over time,

Actinic keratosis found on my high prime.

Aurora thy sporadic faint phenomenon,

Curtains of yellow green light dramatizes on form,

Rapidly moving arrays of molecular nitrogen,

Produces the myriad hues of flowing electrical rims.

Feasts for the eyes,

Tremendous energies to emblazon skies.

A dusk swarm of sporadic convergencies,

Streak from a point of constellated Perseus,

All the Ids' activate when I lye,

Peering to the destined points up high.

Remnants as they will conduct,

Fiery preserved mysteries from activities above.

Marriage

2009-08-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

The collapsing bridge carries off under the cliff,
Kisses silenced upon my lips,
Lovers bliss...

Tenacious movements of forgotten phrases,
Stutters of the mind- intellect erases..
And chemicals take part in one's heart,
As leaves won't fall till summers over,
Finding true lust- among a new lover.

And I stand in contraband of his photography,
Me and him, over the bridges flee,
It's all we have- our desertion and lecherousness greed.

He unravels me at first,
Our summers thirst.

Tis just the beginning..

~She catches me in quick surprise,
Laughter mixed with deep brown impish eyes,
Our hearts give in too quick and were off on a flying carpet ride.
Fingertips reach out, and brush with the stars
Scattering echos of stardust across the summer skies

Impulse grabs and hearts give in
But alas, too soon
When will this end, this torrent of emotions to fast for us to comprehend

Too many nights with you and I'm left empty inside
Laughter now gets mixed with foolish lies

.........................

Knock on the dearest floors,
Heated arguments and phrases to plead - no more,
Keedness if you resist,
He asks to leave, but what meanings would our kiss?
Endure this...

Taking in the arches of despair,
Pulling out what I need, and what will never be there.

" I love you when I never knew."

He says to me and I endue,
It hurts to know the truth,
That in our epiphany of love,
It can fall so easily,
And my tears can come to me...

With but a word and an action,
He consists with him no interaction..

No caring affection,
In this winter air discretion.

What will I do when my hand can not move,
What can I do when I still love you...

If only you knew....

.........................................................
The pain I'm going through
The kiss is there
but the emptiness catches me unaware
Oh, where did the passion flee
Falling away like the leaves of the fall
Letting go, there is nothing there..

I see the safety inside
But the hollowness eats away my soul

You keep looking but I'm hiding
in the trees
what if the world your used to, is an elaborate dream

I wish you would just leave
because your not here
you have fallen away like the rain

Black pavement filled with pink roses
I'm finally walking away....

.............................................................................

With the dry lands and primer gone,
With the yelling and screaming prolonged,
Will the stagnate contumacious,
Be able to overcome past bliss,
And lift me up from this.

Hope signals a period of need,
As the pain from grieve,
Relieves.

A light that so many mourn,
Is put off- forlorn,
Can not find it right along,
Can not hear it in any song,
It is now a gift that is cherished well,
I waited and waited for life to foretell,
And as the patience of my strong will took part,
A room for love- new start- signaled in my heart.

This was a time I knew once before,
But this time happiness means more meaningful as it knocks on my door.

.......................................................................
I can see the breath coming out of my mouth
The air is crisp and I walk alone
Lost in thoughts of finding my way
The past doesn't hurt anymore

I find myself in a reflection of the lake
Standing there by myself
Here is a place I have known before

I have cleared my mind and from what I see
Letting go was the best for me
I move on with fingers in the sand
Content to let fate find me.....

The epitome of the lust that ends with must,
Finds a way through the pain and the lost,
Eventually becoming the vulnerable cost,
That now is forever gone, and surely never was.
A now new venture for a more truthful lust.

I see fate walking alone, upon a sandy beach
How,
how can I describe
beauty so pure
that it made the angels
tongue-tied
Her body has been bathed by the moonlight
Her skin has been kissed by the sun
Her hair dipped in the galaxies new light
She entangles me in butterflies .

Vulnerable love is what can take our will and our fight to push, Letting the release of that once before forsaken touch. Never go into it with rush.

Broken Heart Told Apart

2009-05-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

When With You

When I was with you,

Their was no place I had rather been,

I just wanted what I knew,

Just him,

On a rainy and frosty day,

I wanted you all the way,

Through desperate hours of boredom,

It was just me and him,

Spending each others company,

With sparks of different epiphany,

It was my release at the end of the hour,

Your comfort had power,

To take my pain from the day- disappear,

With you in my arms so close and so near,

But what was my ultimate fear?

It was losing you,

And not knowing what to do,

If you ever left me behind alone and cold,

With your last testament told,

And you did leave me,

And let me be...

Alone and cold,

Without no one to hold,

I wish you were placed back in my arms,

But I must cope with my self being now,

Somehow...

Feel at peace,

With the part of me diseased,

I wish you were still here though,

And you did not go,

So suddenly past my fingertips,

Without grace and touch of your lips,

Just a farewell,

And oh well,

Telling me I will be okay,

And we can be friends again someday,

Just not today.

Thank you,

For letting me not know what to do,

Alone, with the light of the empty window shown.

Love that will parish to pursue.

Wondering Lonely

I see things now I did not see before,

When you walked out my door,

I see how the sun reflects the grass in the middle of the day,

And where we imprinted out bodies in the brush, we laid,

I see how the clouds move by so slowly,

Seeing how you no longer know me,

As you drift by,

Not telling me why,

The waves of the ocean hit the black sand,

With but a whisk of my hand,

And with you it was different,

Everything seemed illuminant,

Very dreamy and essentially a part of me,

Now everything is partially,

Gone and dead,

The beauty of things is not the same,

As I think of your name,

It does not seem right,

Not holding you tight,

Feeling that you and I will never again be,

Never will I see,

The grasses, and sands, and scenery,

Exactly how we saw it together,

In our own made up weather,

You took me out of my mind,

And now love and life is harder to find.

My thoughts:

When someone decides its time to part. It hurts to hear it. So much so, that everything around you seems to slow down. Nothing for a while is the same. It takes sometimes months or years to get over that person. Breaking your heart. And sometimes it takes years, or maybe that person will always stay in your memories. But it will fade, that is a promise the mind makes to your heart. Their is no lying to yourself, that it does take a deep tole on your soul. Every time you go through a heartach, it will take a part of you with it. The good thing is, sooner or later, and new thing will help fill it up. You just have to look hard for a while, and cope with being alone for a while.

Small Poem:

Time Alone

I realized that I need to be alone,

Need to be apart,

From reality,

I need just time to grieve,

To let all the memories of you leave.

Hide away, till you find me okay someday far away.

Depression Stays

2009-05-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

Walls

These unbearable walls they held me captive,

When the grasping air of there foreclosures dig,

To the empty challenges of the benighted,

Will the shadows and eerie take in gorge with my stance,

And will the hallows and shallows prance,

Over my presence like four baring knives,

Stabbing my deep growling skies,

Telling the darkness,

That this,

This...

Is it for me,

Their is not epiphany,

No turning away from the death that succumbs,

That delicately kills in my dead desperate thumbs,

Tapping to make me sane,

From the kneeling frame,

I move to rock the silence,

Of the inference,

That conforms the demonic place,

That I know perish in grace,

Waiting to believe in unholy,

To take me,

Arms baring wrists fully.

Expose

When the echoes cinder my soul,

I will let it take tole,

Because it hurts to much to care,

To bare,

To share,

I need the tears to keep inside,

So I can ride,

With the confide,

Of the infernal incomprehensible,

So it will be impossible,

To leave my ruptured departed,

That I hurtfully started,

On the day I was born,

Since I am infinitely torn,

To feel this endless scorn,

I will feel the twilt,

That my bodies confirmation built,

And enclose,

Till my destruction will be exposed.

My thoughts:

To try to comprehend depression in a lost soul, is like trying to understand how we got here. How we exist. Depression is sometimes unable to understand. When someone, has a deep dark hole of darkness when you look in there eyes. And their is no light. They are gone from the world around them. They will never set foot on the standards of sanity. They will always drift to the nearest darkest corner they can seclude themselves in. Just too feel adapted and alive. Because they are gone within there emptiness. Depression seethes farther then anyone can confer. It is forever a mystery as to why so many die, of there own destruction's. Of there own loneliness and shadow.

Short Poem:

The times pain,

Lets the never ending,

Never refrain,

It will be always pending.

Depression kills, it never for fills.

Loves Gravity

2009-05-08T21:51:00.001-07:00

Where

Does love ever seem to give up,
Does it have any way to speak of,
The times to hold,
To let go and be told,
That love has no boudaries,
But at last, there are,
It can fall and not come back,
Because of what one another lack,
But when will it come again,
When there is nothing much left to fend,
I am still looking,
Floating in mid air,

To find it here.

I Am Over You

Tell me do you love me?
Do you see how I do things freely,
To let you agree,
That I am not me,
What will that be,
Soemthing hard to conceive,
My mind and body is hurting inside,
To see you hide,
From lonely me,
You make me see,
That I have nothing to offer,
Or concur,
That you had enough to look at,
Now I have no idea where our love travels at.
My thoughts:

When love falls down, will it go up again. I believe when a love falls down. It will stay down. No gravity or pull can bring it back to life, like how it was before. It will be forever hard to grasp that again.
If love was gravity, then then we would all be stuck to the ground.
Short poem:

Floating

I am free like a bird,
Hanging at your every word,
Waiting to see whats next,
Since there is nothing left.

When we start to feel ourselves again, love will start then.

Finding Your Art

2009-05-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

Wanting it Gray

Where must I prevail to seek,
To render my senses weak,
I will scounder in all dark places first,
Finding what I crave, what I thirst,
Something that will pop and burst,
In spiracle poses,
It will find me in the garments of closes,
The mind will close in my deliberating time,
And the thing I thus triumphant find,
Will be to me but a morsel,
Yet to see, yet to be blind,
It is then I will say,
The skies please pour, please turn gray.

My Mind Set Forth

The little toe movements of my walks,
I will find the witches round rules of chalks,
I want to see the dances of war,
Come with me as I stravel to the floor,
Come with me in a time prevail,
Well in bind with the time of grail,
The chain will unlock my searching,
For more of this lurking,
I will pail into one,
And let all the set forth be done,
Will you take by hand,
The endless ranting sand,
Of breezes worth breathing.

My thoughts:

I like to think that inspirations for writing and photography come from one's exploritation. If one is set forth to find particular revenue in something, maybe you would find it. I like to just let it come to me, and then search and ponder.

If you were to not search and speak, what will become of you? Where will our best artists demise to?

Short Poem:

Wonder

I need more proof,
That this room you found,
Is the essence where I ground.

Finding art maybe harder to pick apart.

The Air We Breathe

2009-05-03T12:52:00.000-07:00

Scratching Forest

When the bark I scratch as I pass,

Will the light from the day last,

The loomed light of dark fails in the branches,

The abstract corners of my cob web eyes ranches,

It zooms in on all the prevailed obscurity,
The deformity,

The ilumity,

It postures out like limber on the pond,

Just do be blood black blond,

It will capture me to the test,

And I will sit and remember the rest,

The cold frigid air will remain on my breast,

And believe the believing,

Of the leaves leaving,

Down on my face,

Like black and burgandy lace,

Coward in the forest place.

This Spot

Remaining in this one little spot,

Tell me what I have not yet taught,
To tone liar is this erosion in the exposed,
The beauty of outside whithered and rose,
It's like I need to keep my thought here,
Just so I can feel safe,
In the waves of pine,
As my body blusters combine,
In the ryhme of bliss,
I will feel at miss,
If I can not feel the winds plaster me a kiss,
Yellow and blue all I see,
Let me stay, let me be.

My thoughts:

Nature is everywhere..I am sure you know. But we feel it even when we are not outside. We feel it as we breath the sight from outside the window. We feel the pain of the tree cutting down miles away. Just as we feel afraid. Nature consumes our being, nature is our seeing. To live in a forest, is like living in your bodies sanctuary.

Short Poem:

Still

The still,

I feel,

I will,

The bless the still.

Breath your last breath, till there is nothing left.

Never Stop

2009-05-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

Stop Go

The slow we know, the faster we show,

We let all the succumb bleed into one,

Let the drips fall flood in a cup,

Every time we move, we don't know how to stop,

Make the tic toc stop,

Make the moving crop,

To nothing but what we think,

When we live in the ultimate sink,

We let ourselves brink in the madness,

Of the constant moving sadness,

Our time is running out,

Without,

A moment to reminisce,

Without a love to kiss,

We keep on going,

And we keep on flowing,

Like a waterfall to let the ambiance drawl,

It will never slow,

Because we never stop to go.

Time To Die

May the time we spent trying to work,

Trying to make things quirk,

It dies down at the end of the run,

So much madness, we have no time for fun,

When will our destined be done,

Because the more we prevail,

The more our lives sail,

We can't let our bodies slow,

Because we are oblivious on how to know,

We let everything rush by,

It's like we are a blind fly,

We live in a battle of erosion,

Always rushing,

Till where we have not time to say goodbye,

And all we have time for, is to die.

My thoughts:

An empty time continuum keeps to everyone. In every ones life, whether we are sitting at home doing nothing, or busy at work. Time is passing is by quickly then we imagine. Everything that we do has already happened. We sometimes take for granted the time we do have. We do not use it properly or we do not comprehend it properly. If we were to count how many times we have just sat, and watched a screen, we would have traveled from that couch to the end of the world already.

Short Poem:

Slip

A love comes by,

And you ask why,

You let it go,

Slipping out though the window.

Don't waste your time, or else you'll have no more to find.

Bare No More

2009-04-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

All Of It

This is my last empty thoughts leading out to the world,
I felt the enlightenment already and now I needle my body steady,
I see not only that the way I was found in such destruction,
Caused more than asked,
More then told,
More then made,
More then gave,
I need to leave up the ladder of my soul,
I find a other refuge to help me,
Please skies of wonders, they crowd over my body,
I need to leave this,
I will let the pain go,
And all the things that have shown,
And leave the limp longings,
All my belongings,
And muster my time to the ground,
Shhh. I am bound,
To leave all slashes you gave without sound.

Past Pleased

Hands gracefully find there way to my shoulders,
And the pain erupts like boulders,
I don't want this,
This unlikely bliss,
It fills so much agonies encrypting all my"what said"
I leave all the said in the bed,
Unmade and laid for you to pick,
My worthy, hast lost in your past pleased,
I am night falling,
To render no more of your calling,
On my skin, On my mind, all the sin.

My thoughts:

I many times was hurt by so many others. My body and soul tampered with. All my thoughts and views thrown in the garbage. I hope people try to love one another. Not for there beauty, but for the kind hearts and love the give to themselves and others. Let the agony of others make you heal many.

Short poem:

Mine

I look at you now,
I did not see how,
What I saw in you anyhow,
My body, is nobodies.

The love that is there, can be taken in thin air.

Finding Me

2009-04-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

This is Me

The lines and tracks bleed into one,

One felt..one moment..one,

My lips have more luster then when before,

As soon as I left your plore,

I was finally out,

I knew what I was and what was about,

The constrictions were torn,

I felt the air though my shirt,

I no longer was feeling hurt,

I was ridden from the times you praised me much,

To just glide and touch,

The new me,

I can see who is the,

Despiser..in the game you played,

Freedom plays,

As I walk father away.

I Have

I have curves that spinal your nerves,

I have formality that sends sensuality,

I have your attention at my discression,

But did I mention...

I am not your label,

I am not your enabel,

I will not do what you say,

Because I had enough to stay,

I am going my own way,

To please me,

To not agree,

To your will,

Or ever forfill,

Your disgracefull pleasings,

I am happy leaving.

My thoughts:

You don't always need to give a guy or spouse what they yearn for. No matter if it's a dinner..or something personal. Sometimes it's a better thing for you two to be seperate. You might find out a new you. Someone you lost long ago..and comes out once again. Do you miss that person? So many woman and men do. That's why when people say they need time alone or can't do it anymore. It is not always because they need another. Maybe they just need themselves.

Short Poem:

Don't bother me,

Can't you see,

I found me.

Happiness is finding bliss.

Solely Follows

2009-04-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

Wanting May

The nothing dafodills and nothing branches of oaks,

I see the rise and fall of the newly etched things..I just don't care for,

There is no mention of anything that makes me felicituos,

I will not look at you..or seek..I will be solicitous,

To something that may capture me,

I need something to beguile to agree,

That even however tragicomical I may,

I want some other to say,

To hold everyday,

And mirth a common point,

But there is only many to dissapoint,

They never see how I follow endless to there disposal,

Just for ambiance and approvel,

I will sadly stay forever in this enviroment,

Where I will be content,

No one to talk,

No one to vent.

Thy Cumulus

Where are thou nesting in the glowering austere,

I feel bleak and stale in my mastere fear,

Its eschew of the dappled achromatic,

The cumulus of this faithful static,

Of alcaic verse,

I bid reverse,

But noneffervescent I do so,

The whists billow and blow,

I stay in the placid of precipitation,

To queue ration,

When the implied will be,

For my dashed impovershed tenderness to see.

My thoughts:

I need to get away from the frigid cold airs of dark desolation. So many feel in a cold place...a stance where they feel lost. Needing someone and wanting someone are to different things. Needing is like needing tampons. Wanting is like wating a rainbow. Sometimes it's not possible and not pertainable. Lots of people feel they need others to feel okay in life..we are all equally alone.

Short Poem:

Three

One free,

Two I was happy to see,

Three was to be,

One lonely me.

What I need is you, what I want is me and you.

Colors I hide

2009-04-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

Painted Me

Do you know me...do you know or concise where or what I have been though,
If only you disperse to knew,
My hands frail and heart always fails,
I am a prisoner in my own body,
And not anybody,
Will come to my rescue,
To see all the easels I hue,
Not once did someone ask what I am like,
They cast my outer layer despite,
It's a human measure that marries outer appearance,
I have never been told a genuine since,
Just a master of disguise,
A woman for endless split end dries,
I am a soul to be discovered,
But so many just see the outside hovered.

My Mask Bind

What a dance I am, no lover no damn,
I feel fortitude to myself..but others I give more,
I give all my deep thoughts for,
It's a mask I put to others,
My family and lovers,
No one will know or help to show,

The person that seeps beneath..I give layers,
Layers and layers to hide,
The helplessness I confide,
Its something deep for me to even try to,
To let pursue,
I will dance my way in my mind,
Of the hurt I bind,
It will never come to be,
All the pain that bends inside me.

My thoughts:

Sometimes I feel I see many people hide now and days. As well as I. They where makeup to cover the lies they had in life and lies to themselves. They where clothing that is not them..but people see there personality just by the outside. What they wear and what they put on. No one seems to get..real is not what is on the seal..but what is inside the envelope.

Short Poem:

So Many Faces

To many faces to copy,
To be,
But which one do you see is me.

The grave where my true self lays.

So Cool

2009-04-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

I am Lemon

When time spirals in the abliss,
The cool airs penetrate though ebony mist,
My hair is tangles of cool strangles,
I wear my head high in neon bangles,
This is my time to feel beautiful,
To feel the world of pain to be wonderful,
The light of luminous,
Will be me, such dubious,
This is the moment where I breath,
Where I keep my ground and shall not leave,
What a beauty is the place I sit,
With the light from above upon my face lit,
My time to feel happy,
To feel loved,
Not be any one person,
But myself and no other,
I am sweet like a thorn who bloomed to another,
A cool lemon drink, I am a happy other.

Lady Fair

She was there,
I saw her across a stanchion of riveting,
She reacted as the solemn beautiful soul she was,
The relics of here longings floated loos,
Tell me this valiance was her fake,
But the way she glowed, it was a sake,
She was a sight,
That imprinted the universes light,
Everyone gaudily her to just,
See a merriment of her lust,
Embedded between her blond locks,
Her laughing mocks,
She made you smile,
Made you squint your eyes,
To view her beauty otherwise,
She is there,
A lady fair.

You See It

The mustard I stepped to my shoe,
With the whistles of the wind to flew,
You like to listen,
To the sunrise, and my skin glisten,
The twice to many weeds come ,
When my walking graceless done,
Its a manifestation,
To this impression,
You give me a helpless kiss,
And the beautiful basters such kibbles,
I stretch out my view,
And you see a such beauty I blank knew,
You are here,
My glorious flare of forest peer.
My thoughts:

Some people feel very into themselves. They know they have the cool..and well maybe they are. Others though, try to hard. They become to wrapped up in the making of being cool. Cool's definition is very many. like beautiful, loved more, new clothes, best presents, more money...etc. I believe a true cool, is being and finding yourself. When you find the inside of yourself, you found your cool.

If everything and everybody was cool...there would be no cool.

Short Poem:

Cool Together

I was lost,
Till you were to cause,
A tranquil,
Of combined cool.

Its okay..to be cool by yourself for a day.