The soft silhouette that trails behind me is in light cloudy shades,
I lean over the sink and rinse off the smeared eyeliner- I put it on again,
And then I reach my hands to mesh a lather of crisp apple,
I deeply inhale the orchard as my spine sinks back in,
I give a few seconds to see myself for what is truth.

I ingress with short tread near the creaky way,
My eyes feel swollen and banal,
My chest is failing me in a gradual fall,
The place may be spinning, but I must keep myself steady.

Only a few more days

Water pours effortlessly into my mouth with no taste and no emotion,
Just like my weeks- as I put on my clothes with unheeded moves,
I stay still for a few minutes and think of what is to come,
The plush carpet as it pulls me in it's layers of no return,
I have questions, yet none will ever be answered.

I feel it coming and where will I be bound when it hits me,
The days seem to coalesce like an untold book,
If the pages forever stay blank, then there is no worth,
Listening for something to tell me it's alright,
The morning will come when this won't become,
But only my mortal view has say.

Is it just an oppression that coinsides within my stature,
It never seems to angle itself to the right motives,
The dark enters every room now,
It is in every room as I enter and leave,
I would smile but it hurts to lie,
Faking for the innocence that forever died.

Disappearing so much that I can't even see my own face anymore,
The lines are not there like they were,
The ridges of my jaw and the opals of my eyes are vanished,
The tone is vibrating off of every wall,
Echoes of silence makes it even deeper.

What am I anymore?

I look into every soul and see things and hear things I wish I wouldn't,
I see the many, and feel like descending right in their arms,
What good am I to anyone though,
I latch upon the anguish I feel,
Being careful not to tell others or reveal.

I am apart from all

See me as I pass vigorously by,
My slender body and my soft features are a lie,
Inside there is a wall I built that has caused me trouble all my life,
I walk on stones to feel that I am still alive,
I drink acid so I can taste my own misfortunes,
And the air is dirty pollution of the smoke that evades my despair.

I have tried so damn hard to incover the many layers I hide beneath,
I say hello and give myself post-its that have encouraging words I wrote the day before,
I know what I am to myself though,
Coming home and curling in a ball asking for the light,
Banging my head with pleading answers and still wanting to cry.

Its all I think about now,
The days seem to drag out with so much pain,
Trying to make my mind busy and restrained,
Never seems to work,
Singing in the car with the music blaring as loud as I can,
To take out the sounds of the depression I can't stand.

Last day is near- I feel it

The lock was twisted and pulled with power,
I make my way under the stairway tower,
Past the garage and the parking lot of none,
To the car and down the road of no return,
Passing everyone by and wondering if they know,
Through the silent motor and inside the glossy window,
Life has taken its tole and seems to wrap itself around like wire,
Choking every last bit till it is gone,
My feelings, my thoughts, my dreams.... are done.

I looked in the mirror this morning, and saw nothing.

You can't carry me at all.
I am not the wagon you can pull and later get your cargo you waited for,
On this drunken night with my Bacardi giving me the moods,
I cant' tell you that I want your lonely swoons.

This is the sun and it scorches on my life,
I smile at the sparkle I gave off long ago,
Seems to simmer down now though,
It resides in a little place I forgot to remember.

My hair is dark and long against my back,
It carries the weight of the pain you put upon,
I twist my hand back to reveal my veins,
They stretch in crosses that Jesus restrained.

Mustn't you ponder a existent that is deadly,
On the perch that lies loosely over metal shards,
You dangle your neck and let me see your mistakes,
I move my head back and tell you to die anyway.

I am something that you will never be able to understand.

I lay Indian as my crayola chaffs across the page,
Dust storm of pink and yellow blends with my rage,
A forest, a brush, a prickly place to hide,
I look through the darkness and slowly convey,
I needed to tell you- the death you willingly made.

Please pretense a moment when I lived,
Making the pleasure of what we did,
On you I was a stallion, so wild and in trance,
You would yell my name I would pull down your pants.

Now what we have here- is something so dastardly,
I vomit at the fact you were on top of me,
Yet once again I see that it was I,
In the country of the lost,
Yearning for what you applied.

The tissue is on the bookcase high,
I won't use them today, for you shall die,
Death is presuming you in your quake,
I use the deepest graphite to uncover your fate.

I mourned with my veil over my pale nude,
Dropped meaningless nothings on your casket cocoon,
And whistled at the morning day,
For the thing that brought you down,
Has made me stronger in every way.

Sipping lightly on your drunken tomb,
Dearest... you will not be missed anytime soon.

Why would this be my endorphin?

The suffering is like a razor slicing my spleen in miniscule cubes. Your laughing at how I am cowering on the broken tile ground. I am a good person though. I make sure I smile when you speak. The millions that feel like they are hurting, well honey there is so many others who are hurting more then you. The black abyss I am in is ugly and dead. I wash and bathe in it and then dry myself off with it. I am exposed.

I am the clerk you shook hands with at the counter, and forgot to tell you they had a disease.

I am the person who honked at you to get a life.

I am the person who asked if you are having a good day at Starbucks, but secretly wanted to rape you.

I am the gardener who couldn't speak your language, but cussed at you in English anyways.

I thought of you as the lover I never had, and the demon that I never knew existed. You embellished something in me that will never sifter out. I am going to go out to that chlorinated peed in pool and sit on the 96 degree pave.. and get cancer spots. I don't give a F***.

I have a silver heart now. I can do anything. I am going to tell mother mary that I have something more to live for, to reveal the world for the corruption it is. The deadly side of it. How girls look at each other and feel like ripping each others organs out. How most men care about another lay rather then another day. The food is running low and all anyone can think about is when they will ever be in love again.

What the hell is true love? Is it finding a person with that fire that burns in your desires. That will make your desires last a little longer then expected. Men and woman usually have only one thing in common. It is whats under our clothes that makes the world go round.

Children are the only innocent ones.

Then they reach the age of adolescence, and all hell breaks lose. Its not like I blame it on everyone that they are sinners. We all are though.

The chimes are breaking their silence now and the lighthouse you set up for me to come to is vanishing. I walked right up to you, the slut you wanted. Just as you desired. You looked at me up and down, and the world decided that all you wanted was blow jobs. You just wanted me to fight for our sex and pleasures. I am not into that shit though. I love sex.. but I am into the adrenalin of it, not the dedication of it.

I realized I am in a battle now. I am crying because I know I deserved better. We all feel that way though. We all want that perfect knight to sweep us up off our sexual make believes. I feel sorry for those girls stuck in magazines to find out how to be perfect. There is no perfect.

There are some myths that men self consciously are attracted to a woman's thighs and an hour glass figure. Three out of five woman and men like a person with darker features. But there is always that mystery that people love to find out about someone. Secrets that make that person interesting. Knowing them is just the beginning of the lust. Never start out a relationship with what you have in common. Just wing it and find out about the other stuff along the way.

In order for me to feel normal again is in the past now. I can sense that the guy in the back of the classroom has hammered ten girls before he came to this semester. I chuckled at the fact I am not the only one with problems.

So many are in the loop of being insane, we just kinda have to remember we are as well. We have times when we feel our head needs to be screwed on a little tighter then it is. Mine is on two more screws. The men in my life took the others and used it to screw there's in tighter. That's what we do though. We use other people's sanity and make ourselves sane again by making them insane. Its the weirdest and most bizarre thing, but I see it happen all the time.

I hope he rots in hell eventually, but until then I will keep smile on my face and laugh at his disgrace.

I think happiness is something found with meaning. Without meaning, all you have is sinful momentary pleasure.

I mentioned to myself that I was going to walk far along the coast,
That the sand would fill my curly hair with all the spray I put in it the day before,
How the black jacket had my fathers name in Harley Davidson calligraphy on the mid back,
I could hear all the distant people down the goat bay beach,
Pearly sparkles shone off the risen sea,
And my little brother would be laughing at me getting caught in sea weed.

The ball had four lines on either side, curved and edged,
I would penetrate it to the cement three and a half bounces before I dunked it in the hoop,
Then the black widow would scatter by as my mallards would gobble it up,
I smiled and yelled after them in my duck language,
" Sapphire, Diamond!" I then walked two and a half acres,
Let my fingers glide over the sap on the front porch tree.

The big hill that had a little forbidden garden,
And my tricycle that I would ravage down on,
I dared myself to take off the wheels- so I did,
Face first in the snowy mud,
With my invisible hat on and my invisible suitcase,
I head back upstairs as my mom read me Corduroy to calm me down.

The walls were a burgandy purple and I chose skylight blue,
She laughed at me and said don't make a mess,
We had drips all over the wooden planks,
I scrubbed them so hard I could see blisters on my hands,
She argued that I was the best,
I laughed and watched the summer children chaise each other outside my window.

You took my hand and I should have known this would happen,
My life has flashed before me a million times over now,
All I see is what was once before and now I only can ask why,
I let you take my hand and nothing seems normal anymore,
Everyday is just a blur,
I am alone and will stay at mere age 21,
Because you took my hand and now I am done.


please don't do this to someone else...

Inclined

Declining...I am tossed.

Thrown off this record and left with naked wounds,
Understated and small in your tomb,
Do you see as I stand my ground,
Ripped apart and torn my gown.

I am apart and hands clenched,
My eyes whither to your gaze,
Hurdles of pain fill me in waves,
But here I stand in this daze.

Don't try to keep me from breathing,
Even as you go out that brisk,
I am not revealing,
No more of my hearts tears will line my face,
Even as you belittle and disgrace.

You can see that I am scared of you and what you do,
But as I keep my feet steady and still,
Would you really,
Try and forfeit your kill.

I am gone and this heart is already dead,
But as for my soul- I am fed,
It has eaten upon your self doubt and jealousy,
Your love you once had,
Takes and strangles me.

I can stand here and watch you pick me apart,
But not once will I give up my life,
You took to much already,
why would I be unsteady.

I am here to tell you that you can take all those rapid beats,
The ones that are terrified of you and this defeat,
I can be down and feel the drench in my mouth,
But no more will you be allowed.

I will be apart from the pain you caused,
As my heart will fall and feel your pause.

I have been breathing this whole time,
After the anguish and despair,
You were gone, and on the ground I was there.

I was scared.

Don't know You

I don't want to bother you, I won't promise you either,
It hurts to be away from here,
But life is my fear,
Exertions in my pain will lead me insane.

Steaming candles will spill their wax on my hands,
I stand still and feel the hell you give,
The immense penetration you build,
The hole you dug up, and never planned to fill.

It's okay, I won't bother you,
I will walk away from the silence you let off,
I will walk away from the pain the cuffs,
Around my neck I plead for you,
Strangle the rusticated words you endue.

I will fall asleep from the dumb shit that leaks from your spirit,
Lets me pamper myself in all that deforms in it,
Hello sun that seemed to keep itself from waking up,
Even the day has had enough.

I can't seem to wrap my finger around you,
You pull me in - then you throw me back,
You make me happy - then you relapse.

It's no expectation that you are what you are,
But it does not mean I have to be here,
Does not mean I have to listen or hear,
What bull you must spit at my face,
I will walk away from your dead dusk place.

You can find me in your room tonight,
I will be no where in sight.

No surprise this would be,
That the death of us- would be your personality.

Aloft

Bracing a slur of silver toe heals down my chair,
My posture is align to my despair,
Moonlight vista that serenades through,
Black archery that parades what I do.

God will require a bit of a mess,
Necessitate a fair chain that rests upon thy breast,
Fire and ash will ablaze abwatt marble,
Radiant wounds will seal my awful.

Shall I shut the window in this ounce of eve,
Stroking the mislaid vowels that I receive,
Rustles of pruning branches hell through high,
Shall I cry?

Wasted and unsaved arrangements on cold night,
I sit with no words to ignite,
Twisting my dearth wrists till I see you,
Eclipse of evil in the room.

Laying my clothes out on the bed,
Moonlight leaves the woman dead.
Picking which one's you would choose,
You cheated on me - so I guess I lose.
Moonlight leaves the woman dead.

Drink my wine to feel you my love,
I sit and feel the pain you caused.