I am not someone you want to associate with,
People say that I can bring you down with many fatal hits,
I have this smile and it is transparent,
Soon the people around me will eventually see my malicious grin,
So many say, that my heart will stay in this black drug,
Feeling so many things till everyone runs from having to much.

What I have tried has not worked,
I looked back on my life and I have always been hurt,
Looking at myself in the mirror till blood would rip off my knuckles,
The reflection was ugly as my world creates an internal hole,
Light comes and it goes, the real me comes back and takes apart,
Limb from limb my bones are left astray,
Its taking over like cancer till the medics get driven away.

Here I am in the back room behind the curtain,
I am old enough to see from right and wrong, but ever since I was little my sight has been dim,
My thoughts have been lost and my voice has been given,
Daily contemplated thoughts of why am I even living,
I want to go and leave so it does not make me want to puke,
My hands shake and my panic attacks never reduce.

There was never a time when I think far into the past,
I was always the child who wanted to grasp,
That shiny plated thing inside that drawer so tight,
Holding myself intently till the pain left the night.

I try to stir clear from huting those I love,
But in the end no one is safe hanging with a ghost,
A soul that wonders and never finds its way,
Only looking for something it will never find with this rancid face,
Long black hair and fair skin so white,
I am not fairy tale, but a hollow spirit in the mourning of her fright.

Take me along with no feet and no hope,
Cause I have tried to long, no meaning to cope,
Reasons to believe I am the hurt of the hurt,
Testaments to be said

Rake me under and spit me out,
I don't want to feel what your about,
I see all that you are and it hurts me to see,
Contemplating and wondering if you are for me,
Was it meant for me and you,
The moments, the bliss, the things we grew.

You say to not say it because there is no point,
Why say the words when its only toying,
Emotions that will linger and have no where to be,
Not inside of you because you don't want any of me,
But you touch and you feel what you want when you need,
How my heart is building a deeper hole that you are unable to see.

Why do I come back and realize that your the only one in my mind,
Even with this distraction of another, your the only thing that's left to find,
Should I move on and seek a better way,
Is the friendship we have meant to just fade,
Can I still talk to you and see you less then before,
Just a past memory of how happy I was when you were more.

You came to me the other day and held me in your arms,
You came to me the other day and brushed my skin from fear,
You came to me the other day and told me everything I wanted to hear,
You came to me and you gave me your soul,
You came to me, but what an illusion it was to such fool.
You came to me and I should have known,
You came to me and your wicked ways finally shown.

Now today you came and your eyes were distant,
They said little and could only nod to my appearance,
No heart no mourn, just a devilish look in your eyes,
You said you cared and needed a friends advise,
But as you spoke of her my heart sunk,
I wanted you to feel joy but hearing stung,
It hurt to know you have moved on,
Because I wouldn't know that feeling, I wish it were wrong.

I wish your face and aura were a distant past,
In some part I wish our friendship would not outlast,
I don't feel well and need some air,
What your doing to my heart is not fair.

You look at me and still lust over my beauty,
I know you wanted more- you knew me,
But now I see you needed something more,
You needed a person and not time,
You needed to let me be as you carried on with your life.

I am okay and I don't care,
That's what I keep saying till it feels like its fair,
Till that day you stroked me with your hands,
Can evade someone elses mind - I want nothing of this man!

I want no more of this feeling that god gave me,
The love for someone else as he barely even cared I breathe,
I hope that someday the people have caused pain,
Will see the things they slipped away in vain.

I am going to have to get over this to,
So I am able to have feelings for another who will undo.

There is such a thing as a desolate place. Where no one has heard of your name or even your existence. I have seen you though. I know you are alive and I kinda want to go to that empty drafty place. No one will know and I promise you this, no one will know when I vanish you from my mind. No one will know when you are erased and brought to the desert of no return. I will give you no nourishment or gratitude of meeting you before. I will let you rot till the flower you once said you met turns into a molted crud of nothing. You knew this. You knew I was bad news, so why try to make me into a dream. Why try and make me into what you want to believe. I am going to delete you and never let you come back. This is my land of forgotten and lost. This is my land that you will never explore.

Its hypocritical for me to start feeling once again. The cover of the canopies would crumble in October, but would lust in a black heap in this hot August. You are going to leave and nothing will salvage for me to feel like how I want it to. I will still be sitting here wondering where the hell you went? You are like a magnet that pulls and pushes, I can never get a connection to where it will stay . Its not aparent to me to what it is your doing. Why can I see the disaster before it happens. Why does the nightmares come during the day now and not as much in the night. The night is something like a death run. Where I must literally drink a mile to get you out of my mind. I'll write to you...? I'll talk to you..? I'll be waiting..? I'll be hurting..!

I'll be hurting...!
I'll be feeling...!
I'll be slowly dying...!

I peal my eyes and render myself alone in a garden now. When you left before I was okay. I made a spot for myself to hide in. To convince you were gone. You are back and will be gone again. The garden will overcome me. It will stain my skin in its green thorns and my blood will purify in the majestic zephyr. I will sleep with my mind at ease as the only thing I will think about is the petunias that sliver my nostrils in its intoxicating aromas. I will shed my tears to the silver rain drops and it will evaporate and cease to be. Yesterday was nothing, just as that notable body I once called friend.

I'll be over..!
I'll be done..!
I'll be free...!

The security in a persons mind is that each and every single person needs an attachments. This is a stage where you can only battle till you either die or erase to a desolate place.

I don't love, I give my soul. So don't tell me you love me unless you want me to give it all up.

My hair is being pulled with every white particle it contains as the echoes of the birds fly amongst the placid looks I give. I felt it. I felt as the whole world was crashing and building. It heard and it ignored. The tall walls between the corridors of nothing. The gargoyle above the aluminum door knob. I could see through the black hunt in the wolfs eyes. I could see the darkness that riddled my fingers and suffered my veins. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the whole world crash and evolve around the darkness I exuded. Then I crashed with it...

I took both hands and smelled the mud in my hair. I awoke and could see the bright zeal that ran across each face of the night ghouls. I was never scared of them, I was scared of the pressure inside. The pressure that would escalate and suddenly implode. Taking the deepest breath an being could inhale, I could taste the smudge taste of defeat.

I lift up my limp body and let my lifeless legs carry towards the gravity it gave. I pealed my eyes so it could see the struggle. I spit out gunk that sat in my throat for about a week. I was ready for the shit to come already. I was ready for it to hit me and this time... not ricochet. I can handle this. The lights not turned on and I don't ever want it to be, I want it to hurt in the blackness. I want to feel.

I was biting my lips intently as the rain poured on the crevices that were dry. I can see my place to conquer. I can see my place of defeat. Take me!

I bled my hands near my sides and my head tilted back in the moment of despair. I felt as the hands wrapped around the bones in my hips. I can feel the gnawin of the fingers cutting outside of my skin. The trees surrounded me and the night ruled me. I am changing and I don't care... it feels like how it is suppose to be.

Breathing with no way to inhale, the breath locked in on mine. It sealed its clothes against mine as my bare body trembled. I was falling. I fell fast and deep into the arms of the dark. Hands welted over my lips and tipped my head with easy force. It felt how I knew it would.

Then my pupils became smaller as the fingers left astray. The lips of something never known but always there locked onto mine. It tasted with a slight sting of menthol and iron. I enjoyed the addiction I was getting from this. I enjoyed the pain. I enjoyed the death I was receiving. Wrapping my neck in ropes and wire while my heart slowly collided with the reaper. I smiled under the pain and could see he was smiling to. He was smiling at my struggle and the hardship of containing myself away from this.

The darkness riddled my fingers now, and his touch was embedded in my skin for eternity. Scars to mark where they were. I would go over them twice to remember how I enjoyed it. How I enjoyed having made love to someone who made me feel suffocation.

I felt the whole world crashing, and then I fell with it.
The birds devour my carcass now.

Maybe this enough, maybe I can set free,
Look there is light behind that tree,
Not the cycle I thought would never end,
I can be okay with just a friend or no friend.

Yeah I have problems.. but don't we all,
Can't we just accept that I am smaller and you are tall,
I understand that these times are hard,
I can see that my face is soaked in my tears from last night,
But shoot, I am tired of feeling this fight.

I can't grasp or contradict what you spewed
What you had said because it was true,
I was a whore and I was a slut,
I was a home wrecker and I couldn't get enough,
But did you know I got over and am different now,
Did you know that the person I am is forgiven by him somehow.

I laughed today and I smiled a smile,
Not for anybody saying that it will be okay, but that it will take a while,
Take some time to get over you,
Take some time to heal the pain I chewed,
I can taste the blood no more,
Because the skin has nothing to mourn.

I don't want to see you because I know it would hurt,
So I now know the feeling is lost and churned,
The mixture has spread from solid to soft,
My heart has gone from rock to cloth,
I am fragile and I know this well,
But why sit and think of the stories to tell.

I am over and I am done,
Thank you god for believing that I could overcome,
This was not easy and still I need some time,
But the day will come when that special someone will be mine.

I understand and am happy with the present,
The pain will subside and the memories will lessen.