I am going to take my body apart with one organ at a time,
While I see faces and they have a lack of life to find,
Such begrudging innocence that embodies each soul,
My ears will be the first to take tole.

I don't want to perceive what people have to say,
The endless guiltless things that they tend to portray,
What bull they must try to aver,
I don't want to listen, I don't want to hear.

There is the cold and the dark that withholds,
People feel the pain but they listen to what their told,
Don't believe in this, and don't do that,
How long will the happiness conquer and last.

My hands and feet have had enough,
I don't want to feel or walk towards what I must,
The world is like sand paper and its to hard for my skin,
Full of evil and full of adjoining sin.

What are you and how are you different,
Your like the rest just a little bent,
Your mind is warped and you follow the others,
I don't trust you or any other.

I have no need for these eyes that see,
The destruction of the human race as they continuously bleed,
I can't seem to get the fog out of my view,
Because people won't budge or move.

I liked you and liked the one before,
I had friends and family, but what for,
The needing pain that renders at my veins,
Do I want to feel the pleasured drain.

LASTLY, the heart is the disease I want nothing more,
The pounding insanity that cradles my scorn,
The wanting of your attention and the birth spot of affection,
The death hole of fixation and feelings,
The narcissistic pain of personified dealings.

People are my enemy as well as this ungenerous world,
I will let out my pain till my heart unfurls,
Take my body and do what you like,
Before the blood fills your floor and you cry a fightless fight.

I am not what you think and I am not who I am,
I wished the world were colder and would fall to the damned.

Were you just a dream I conjured up,
Something that I once held and now helps me drown myself in this tub,
With forged words that I implied,
Will it come a day, where I feel normal or alive.

I shake from the treatment that was given,
Three pills and a drink to drown my living,
What happened in these moments I was blind,
You took me and I trusted with no chances to survive.

I was brilliant and now I am dull,
With darkness that haunts my soul,
I look at a person and fade right through,
Not knowing what they said, while dampening places of you.

This air is thick and inplaced with layers,
Trying to keep myself busy with the silence that blares,
I licked my wounds dry with salt,
So I can taste the cycle you exalt.

I am under and never over,
I wanted you so much, but your less of a lover,
Nothing will change and nothing will come,
I will be in this state of always being shunned.

Save me from what is eating me inside,
I have no place to turn from the feelings you keep trying to die.

Just a dream, just a moment,
Just a time when I felt atonement.

Fastening my belt to the loop that clings onto my hips. I feel the belt tighten around as I suck in the anguish from yesterday and my ribs roll inside my chest. I look in the mirror at 8:00 am and let myself soak in what I am to myself. I wipe my eyes with a moist cloth and hide my blue circles with white. The lips will be red and the lines I hide under will be black( the way I feel).

Today won't be different but mildly unknown. I only get exited for the anticipation for my car now. Maybe because my car can take my mind off things. I have to concentrate on the road and what is in front of me. When I am not in my car there is to much in front of me or nothing what so ever. I get to confused with everything, but with the music in my car I can let it fall off my hands and onto the wheel. Let whatever I am holding in onto the rage that escalates as I move and swerve between lanes. I am out of limits and beyond a destined point.

Today I was sitting in a room, I won't tell you where but it was a room. I sat there and could hear the bands playing and the load voices and millions of gossip and stares at one another. I could feel tension in some people and hope in others. I was in my own world I guess you would say. I didn't notice to much but could feel like the clamminess in my palms was me getting ready to explode inside. I am so unsure about myself( whether or not I am crazy). I let my mind calm itself with the tapping of my foot. I let myself focus on anything but myself. Then I noticed what makes me calm. Watching another person groom someone. I watched as this little girl tried to do another girls hair. She tugged and pulled on her golden locks. It was so cute first off, but the softness from a child's hand to another person is unlike anything. I let myself forget what was around me and fell down a path of no return.

I have been reading many books lately, scouring something that will give me answers to my life. There was a book that once read that a person who is autistic had more of a sense of what is going on in their world then a person who has no disability. They see the world with their eyes and not others. It is not our fault though, we were made to feel sympathy and depression. It is just the way we were built. I can't help to wonder why the day must always seem so much easier then night though. Why the thoughts from the day accumulate to expand at the end till the room is to full to be in anymore. My room is always a mess to begin with, and with all the other stuff from the day- I am surprise it has anymore room for me in it.

I hope my days on the train will be gone, and the songs I used to listen to will have no backlash memory. I want to be a blank slate again. Yet the colors have already molded and mixed, there is no way to get it back to just white.

I look at myself in the mirror again, 12:46 pm... I am not the same person as I was this morning. Today was different. Today I changed.

The year is at a confession. Many people I see are balancing their lives out on love. Love is a pure word full of passion and intensity. It conquers with death and romance. It helps and soothes. I have seen the end of many though. Where one must overcome and take on what the storm will give. Will the storm ever subside and let your mind walk to the tree of innocence once again? Will you let yourself lay down the battle and let your hands fly between the blades of grass to feel the pain rush with one instant. I see it, and it is getting close..... but obstacles come in my bound.


Dark master in the shadow with head down low,
Your mind sets trail with things I don't know,
With the settle of the chill and the howling of the night,
You come to hold me in your fright.

Will the pain we both endure make us better,
The storm comes near and the drought makes it wetter,
My clothes are soaked and my mind is at fault,
Will I fall for the darkness that renders in the forest so tall.

Bury me now with your dirt and grime,
I will hope that this other will save me some time,
Am I battling with something inside my head,
Trying to make it better with other creatures instead.

Your a monster and I knew this from the beginning,
But maybe I am attracted to help you start relieving,
The pain you have had is still there and you deny it still,
The darkest monster needs someone to help kill.

Kill the pain that aggravates him inside,
Kill the heart that he claims is still fine,
But you need and I need to help kill the pain that the darkness holds close,
Needing for the darkness to devour and eat what it rose.

It rose something that you and I can't kill all alone,
That is why I am here to help the storm wonder on home.

Monster you can stay, as for the creatures... they are my prey.

The abstemious sensations more otherwise corrected as a healed touch abides in a forest of remembrance. Deep in the dreaded locks of on going preludes of the heart I follow it there daily. Where the clanking implosions intensify when I recollect such images. Fasting on a diet of you, shall I move forward to the motions that pass though......faster and faster it nails in my skull and clamps on my heart. My feet move down the slide of the floor, with less friction then ever before.

I am bare foot upon where I lead and still I feel the magnifying leash that knots a force upon your veins. Where sketching is apart like no other and I see where the trail leads up your arm and down your spine. The damp apothic bleed that stings in your unawakened eyes latched me in your mission. To take what you always knew you had and let it lose to the moon you say is thus the most beautiful. I should have listened, you told me you were dangerous. Was it the venture I was seeking, the power you may have a hold of me. The rush you would make me feel as you ravaged me in your hands and throw me with no carefulness to the next destined point. Is it this that I am afraid and yet my heart needs to feel... the collapsing risk that sure will fail.

I am anchoring my lungs and letting my hands lose on your chest. It needs to set free in your clutch once more. Maybe to feel that the pain we both share can be equal in some deformed and hypocritical way. We can never be one but only acquaintances of the loneliness every soul feels every now and then. To comfort in need and assurance of hope if asked. This will only cause more disaster, but maybe in the end you can be part of my dying heart.

He lays with me till I sleep, then says see you and never goodbye.

" Goodbye causes the heart to mourn, holding ones hand and letting go is all you can do to keep the pain subsided. "

I am down here now...

I can't see any visibility, it has lost its meaning. I wish I could grab a hold of what I had but never have found. The days run into each other now, there is no movement only thoughts that collide. I don't want you to know my secret, but yet the world seems to know. It hurts you know. To feel alone sometimes. To feel as if you have so much potential and people say it, but you don't feel it. You see happiness so far away, but so close around you.

The dark climbs over my body sometimes. It creeps without me even knowing. I sit for hours contemplating on what to do, and then the darkness comes. It has become me now. I don't see you and I don't see me, I only see what the world see's. I see how I come home and try not to think of the pain but yet it escalates off my head and into my heart. Driving my veins to feel as if they need some kind of pressure to release the intolerable boundary I am making. Once and a while I see it, I see happiness lining itself to get shot. I feel the way I smile and my mind says it will not last, it will only stay till the darkness comes.... as I will not even notice.

The pillow will suphocate my thoughts..till I can't breathe anymore. Till I can only feel the little clutch of my hands as it wraps around the corners of the bed frame. I will think of the place with the nice two acre field. Before I felt as if I needed to be happy with the touch of someone else. I could just have the scent of fresh air and the tree's stand tall above my eyes. I would lay till night fall and do the same the next day. I wish I could replace what my thoughts are now.

I am coming down a lonely road and it was made to be kicked and blazed over. It was meant to be told what to do and what to feel. It was told to be confused and painfully missused. I heard things and I have done worse. I am the person I am and I have tried to change my ways. I can't stand the crying late at night. I can't stand the vacanct room with silence. I can't stand walking alone in the day. I can't stand...... everything.

Goodnight my thoughts for today.. Goodnight the pain that won't go away.

Dim

The skies can part now,
The music can die,
The heart can stop pumping,
The words can stop coming.

With every breath and every move,
With all the tries and wanting you,
Would you have come would you have stayed,
Maybe took the time time to wait.

On the line and wondering lost,
Little hope comes with great cost,
Back and forth you come and go,
Would it be better for me to move on then willow.

My eyes are tired and need some rest,
The day you said you would be here never exists,
Trails of promises and unknown touches,
Take there own world, maybe this should be enough,
Before heart ache appears and the mend will be to much.

Sixth month will be all there will be,
I tried and the farther I went the less I was able to see,
The moment I was flattered was the moment my life was altered,
Me going on from this was hard to comprehend and to easily hurt.

This is it and this will be done,
I give you my farewell as I am honest and blunt,
It hurts to see your face and hear your voice anymore,
I don't know the reasons I came into this, or what you absence was for.

Maybe being blind is not a condition or thing inherited,
Its a thing discovered when you think you have dated.

I know you are there under the thistle of the moon. The corpse of the darkness between the light of the night hits the weakness of my nerves. The little points in my blood and skin that signal a new point. One by one you see me pluck the pedals off of the rose, and you know this is where we begin and must end.

Smoke arises and simmers in the hot dew air, the laughter sinks deep inside our souls. The white texture hits my cheek and you look between both eyes and see not a person but something beyond my comprehension. It is a quarter past the hour and the deep dreading clock ticks till it falls off the wood screws it holds dearly to. You seek me with your eyes and I know you are there at my fingertips. I just let the air take me along for the ride and know this will never last. My salmon colored dress ripples in the sun and the smoke smothers its lace silhouette. I hold my hands on the counter and you take one and say that there is more then meets the eye, walking away with not knowing what you meant.

Sitting with the flies hovering in every which direction, I am not going to let you get to me. I am going to stay focused and not care if I feel an attraction towards you, I won't care if you try and talk, I won't care if you feel an anticipated interest towards me. So I will sit and let the hot humid air sink in my skin and my hands will wrap tightly around the chilled drink. You will not get to me. I have the power and you will not let the pedals fall onto my heart. I will pluck the last pedal.

I dream of the days when it was good, when I had someone like that. Who wanted me everyday and no one else. Do I want that again? NO!

The day is getting long and the songs are getting old. I let the relaxation of the drink take its course and let the air hold my eyes heavy. He comes near and I am unamused. He tells me of his passions and his life, I only peak. He tells me his tribulations and faults, I look. He tells me of how I need to never search and need to find someone who will respect me, I gaze. He tells me that life can be hard but to keep reaching for my dreams no matter what it takes, I lean over. He tells me that he has not met another person like him like me, I agree.

I let him take the last pedal, and was left with just the stem. I let my guard down but learned through all the smoke there is a light that will shine through sometimes. I just have to wait and be patient.