Empty Love Dreams

Fastening my belt to the loop that clings onto my hips. I feel the belt tighten around as I suck in the anguish from yesterday and my ribs roll inside my chest. I look in the mirror at 8:00 am and let myself soak in what I am to myself. I wipe my eyes with a moist cloth and hide my blue circles with white. The lips will be red and the lines I hide under will be black( the way I feel).

Today won't be different but mildly unknown. I only get exited for the anticipation for my car now. Maybe because my car can take my mind off things. I have to concentrate on the road and what is in front of me. When I am not in my car there is to much in front of me or nothing what so ever. I get to confused with everything, but with the music in my car I can let it fall off my hands and onto the wheel. Let whatever I am holding in onto the rage that escalates as I move and swerve between lanes. I am out of limits and beyond a destined point.

Today I was sitting in a room, I won't tell you where but it was a room. I sat there and could hear the bands playing and the load voices and millions of gossip and stares at one another. I could feel tension in some people and hope in others. I was in my own world I guess you would say. I didn't notice to much but could feel like the clamminess in my palms was me getting ready to explode inside. I am so unsure about myself( whether or not I am crazy). I let my mind calm itself with the tapping of my foot. I let myself focus on anything but myself. Then I noticed what makes me calm. Watching another person groom someone. I watched as this little girl tried to do another girls hair. She tugged and pulled on her golden locks. It was so cute first off, but the softness from a child's hand to another person is unlike anything. I let myself forget what was around me and fell down a path of no return.

I have been reading many books lately, scouring something that will give me answers to my life. There was a book that once read that a person who is autistic had more of a sense of what is going on in their world then a person who has no disability. They see the world with their eyes and not others. It is not our fault though, we were made to feel sympathy and depression. It is just the way we were built. I can't help to wonder why the day must always seem so much easier then night though. Why the thoughts from the day accumulate to expand at the end till the room is to full to be in anymore. My room is always a mess to begin with, and with all the other stuff from the day- I am surprise it has anymore room for me in it.

I hope my days on the train will be gone, and the songs I used to listen to will have no backlash memory. I want to be a blank slate again. Yet the colors have already molded and mixed, there is no way to get it back to just white.

I look at myself in the mirror again, 12:46 pm... I am not the same person as I was this morning. Today was different. Today I changed.