My watch says it is five when really it is a week before. The brick walls are going to barricade me inside and keep my chained with its iron metal bars. I can feel tension under my wrists and the gnawing of my flesh. The moon is gone and the sun has disapeared. Every time I open my eyes my lashes are thrashed by the cold dramatic air. I can distinct the loud impounding sounds of detonation. I want to scream but there is not enough air to capture the sound. So I rock myself back and forth, as my wrists are bleeding thoroughly down the sides.

My hearing is losing its volume as the explosions are dying down and the ringing in my ear drums is increasing. I can feel my eyes turn into two lifeless black holes. There is nothing for me to do but pray that I will be okay or that the torture will be over. I can slide my bare feet over the drips of blood I am creating on the floor under my chair. Then I grab the bars of my chair harder as I sense something find me in this darkness.

I can't see a thing with the cloth lining wrapped securely on my eyes. The air felt chilled as it swept over my scalped head. I got goosbumps and blade like hair on my arms as the thing came closer. I prayed it I would be someplace else at that point. Then my wrists were cut lose and as if I was amputated I felt the free tension release from my hands. I laid my wrists on my lap and did not move or budge. I knew if I moved it would come after me anyways. So I waited as my breath sunk in my empty lungs.

The gellid room bacame abruptyly silenced and frightening then ever. I was so afraid, but I knew that after the pain there will be light. I still had my hands open upon my lap, and the coldest most strikingly frigid thing was placed in my palms. I was already numb and continuously bleeding from my wrists, but this liquid that flowed over my hands was so violently freezing.

The thing came closer and I knew it was not talking but I could hear its thoughts for some reason. I was being controlled by it to take this cold object and shove it in my chest. I tried to scream but I still had no breath or motive to try and understand why. I was on my last thread and was ready for whatever it wanted me to do. I said I would never be able to do it in my head. The thing took my hands and a hurdling implosion upon my chest made a huge bang inside the cell walls. I now knew what those explosions were, and the cold unknown object made a hole straight through my rib cage. The thing had its presence still upon me and the hole suddenly sealed back up with a quick cold touch.

The beating strartled me. It was loud at first but then it subsided to a slow calm melody. It was like having a music box inside my chest. The thing took my hands and placed it over my chest. I could feel the coldness inside and it hurt. It was so painful that I wished the thing would have killed me already. I fell to the ground and cradled myself into a ball. The thing picked me up and undid my blindfold. The light crept under my eyelids as I could see that it was never dark but it was like a heaven in a way. With trees everywhere and a playgound in the distance. The thing was not a thing but a man with a beautiful red top hat covering his eyes.

I could read his thoughts and knew what he had placed inside me chest. He took my hands and leaned in to whisper, " Be careful with this one this time."

I nodded and walked away with a colder heart, but knew what to do this time with it.

The heart is a fragile thing.

Oh please blankets that hug me nightly,
Let me yell into you the things I can not say,
When I can't look at someone in the eyes,
Or pass every unknown soul and think I am the lowest of low,
Please let me yell and tell.

I want to take this time and cry my eyes,
The things that stay deep inside,
How the world is so big and I feel so small,
My head is always spinning and my knees are ready to fall.
Please let me get out this empty shaking,
The lonely depth of black holes I have been making.

My hair can cover my dreary eyes and my silenced mouth,
The weather can be bright but the place I am in always has a cloud,
I would feel love every now and then, but eventually it would go away,
I would be back in my dark tunnel crying and afraid.

Please make sure I do not feel,
When times get hard and I can not deal,
I have under and down and been having enough,
Because no one will stay or show me true love.

I miss feeling safe and happy,
I want to laugh with you but I forget how,
I wish there was answers I can protest,
But with this translucent tape, my mouth creates no sound,
And I get no rest.

I want love again and know I won't be let down,
But who would want me, someone without sound.

Blankets that cradle me in the night,
Can I yell into you the things that taunt me in fright,
Can I scream into you the many things I can not say,
Can I let out the hurt that makes me cry everyday.

The nails are falling to the ground,
As anchor drifts to the deep sea,
The moon falls in a bucket next to me,
And all I there is can be black.

Why move..

My nails are dirty and I won't wash them,
I have no money because there is no push,
My tiny sneaker was left under the bed,
The animals want to come climb to my canopy instead.

Why move...

My dream catcher is on a ledge,
I have makeup splattered in blood on the floor,
The closet is closed because I am afraid of the gouls and ghosts,
But the knives spread out on the counter are close.

Why move..

Twenty or something has been on the line,
Dropped and left on the ring, with my life on a dime,
Paper clip-outs with bits of glue on my veins,
Passenger side yelling and pain.

Why move...

The ten feet turn to hundreds of pounds on my lungs,
The walls are my best friend with the smell of propane guns,
My will is written on a paper that was burned,
Which way would I lead, the day is unconcerned.

Why move...

My eyes are closed everyday,
Muscular degeneration may abrupt my way,
But the crib is up high and the screams are low,
The thing inside my chest that beats - may explode.

Why move..
When I didn't know if I would live,
Why move..
If I had no voice or could withstand what you did.

Why move?

So much...

I am going to tell you that this dark has been a month,
Scream inside a dream that never overcomes,
How can someone look at you and feel nothing through a scream,
As you smell the irony of how much pain you breath in,
Go today and leave the lover you once knew,
The others will go away, but what else can you do.

This night is death,
It's undeveloped,
Lights flicker,
Your face is thicker,
But there is death,
I feel lonely,
Unadvised,
Please whisper..

Am I the one that will make your heart bleed,
Dance with you and make you leave,
Can I be the night and you be the day,
So it will be eventful when you grow astray,
Be true to me and say those words,
Make me sink in my throat,
I have no more hope.

My name will be absent for years and years,
But with flashes in your memory you will feel those tears,
Seeing what we had and be mournful for the death,
When you looked at me as I took my last breath.

How is love equal to the things you did,
I held my shaking hands and wished you never lived.

I was so much..

With rushing waters rinsing on my eyes I could see the bridge compromise,
With my pain down below this pine an oak,
Look at the swift movements of the dove fluttering on by,
With its highest reach above the world, and crusades through ebony skies.

Yearn for me oh dove that sings, silent emits of its serenade,
The extravagance of the buildings and the turquoise silver bells,
Could not compare to the love inside this doves lovely breasts of quilt,
Bend me down to the ivy of eve, make me dream.

I let the dorms and white branches take hold of my woven sweater,
Engulf me inside its warmth and take me somewhere better,
Climbing on pebbles that turn into rocks,
I don't need a compass for god will help me from lost.

Feel me and let me feel, dove shall take me under its wings,
Tears fall down into the soil as I let it bring,
Solitude among these grounds is holy and great,
Drifting though without all my pain.

World with so many tribulations and doubts,
With this place, I will move farther into my destined cloud.

The warm vanilla, not the kind that swarms inside a closed room, but the kind that freshens the air and lets you think of old memories. I let this scent hold deep inside my head for a few moments, making me delirious.

I walk and the barn in the distance seems to be getting farther then closer. Cliffs came into place and I could see a man kneeling against this old wagon. He looked at me weary and without animation. I took my hand and angled it so I could say hello, but the weight of my hands became immensely heavy. I let my frustation of this die with the next problem of walking. My knees started to feel like the ground was eating it up. I stood tall but my legs were sinking inside my chest. I tried to speak for the man to help, but my voice was soft and sweet like valentine babies. I wanted to get out of wherever I was.

When my arms were pressed against my sides and my heart felt like the moon was using it's gravitational force to carry it away. I could see the man just staring at me wondering why I was distressed. I felt like he could have been mentally ill for not trying to help me.

As my head was dreary and my life seemed to be falling before my eyes, the surrounding changed again. The cliffs turned into flat lands of long cherry orchards. I was still sinking to my disposal until my heart pumped long deep beats. The man came closer to me and I thought he was out of his mind. I tried to jolt back but I was numb to my sides. The curve of his hands grabbed one of mine and I was let lose a light limber note. He grabbed the other and rested it on his right shoulder. Then he let go of my other hand and grabbed my hair losely in his rigid hands. He swiveled my face to one side and I could smell the blossoms blooming as he creased his lips one by one on my cold cheek. He let go of both my hands and grabbed my jaw bone lighty cradling and kissed me intently to deepen my heart beat. My legs were able to stand now, but he made me gravitate to kneel and lay in the field. He kissed me from my collar bone and grazed his warm hands up and down my spine. I stared into his pastured eyes, and knew I was not dying.. I was in love.

He made me weak in my knees, made my hands grow numb, made my heart sink in and made my eyes see things that made no sense.

We laid there till we had to make the bed.

If I never fell in love would I still feel,
Irrelevant and alone, unable to heal.

Seeking in this box for the answer to come,
Twsiting the ballerina to play it's last song.

Tell me if I never heard your voice or felt you cry,
Would my love still be implied.

The plastered blank walls I look to everyday,
Making invisible pictures of your mournful gaze.

Can this love be erased and put aside,
Because the pain it here, like black ink that spilled to much to hide.

This is where I want to be,
Don't bother me right now because I will cry,
Cuddled under soft mountains and angelic skies,
Wanting to go back and thinking of before,
Lying beneath and daydreaming of no more.


I flutter my lashes and pick up my skirt,
Let the wind drift and feel less hurt,
I think and think and stop all together,
Because what is the moon without the stars,
Who would I be without all my scars..

I want to fly

I am going to climb a cliff,
The reflection I see in the pristine waters above,
Will be filled with past laughter and unfilled love,
But down here as I walk,
I stumble and fall - always getting lost.


Getting older and seeing the lines on my hands,
They etch a story and they tell to much,
I think the things I appeal to- whither my touch,
Though my shoes are narrow and my ears are small,
I can see right through intentions and know if it's worth it at all.

I want to fly

The wind picks up once more,
Carries me under the slit through the door,
Lets me see things that are not there,
Tells me I can do it, but would I really care,
If it gave me weightlessness and shows me where to go,
If I give all my heart and not even know..

Blind as can be,
Imprisoned or free...

" You can fly if you believe."

I look over and your not there,
This bed seems to empty now, and the stories it tells is aggravating,
I let my face loosely lay and remember all those days,
Last year we held hands and now it slowly has erased.

Whats left to lose anymore,
I have gave all the smiles that could be given to you,
On this edge I feel the smoke wrap my heart,
Will you come back and relieve what we part.

I was sick a week ago and it was a relief,
The struggle to cough and the strain to move,
Made me think more on the illness rather then the pain of you.

Sunset is down and it has been down most of everyday,
Prove me god this is to be taken in vein,
Last year was my time where I felt alive,
But why bury me under, and take me back to die.

Echo the simple steps that we took together,
How it was so easy to be with you then another,
Was this the answer to the break down we had,
If we bandaged the sorrow, do you think it would last.

This life will either take me down with the problems it gives,
Or the memories of you will painfully outlive.

Goodnight babe, as he lastly gives his kiss.
Goodnight hun, as I cry in this empty bed with the memory of his lips.

My hands are crinkling towards the sockets of my dreary eyes.
Mourning for the new coming day, for it has spoken and it has begun.
The bright grands that lay across each crevice of the sun sink lightly over the noon.

Look at the skies and I will perish,
because this day has come when the birds can no longer sprout a song.

The first majestic blush that shimmered over the blue was proud and confident.
The confidence overcame with hedonist movements towards the opposition,
For then the skies turned many unknown colors and bloomed a new lust.
This was the beginning of a eternity of a shared blunder.

The days created the flashes of light through the skies,
Dances over the hills in different maroons and indigo hues,
The birds peered through the forests and could only gander in spiteful inspections,
In these weeks the clouds moved entwine,
Worried jays sang a farewell.

When the gusts would come close, the opposite would hush the blow,
The combination of these skies would keep in the mercy of each other,
Ever shall they part will the nights turn to twilight skies with empty stars,
Then the passing winds would move back to the corners they intruded.

The birds today were silent,
No awaking and no crowded chanting,
Only sightless glistens through the trees.

Many felt it and could see it up above,
The bright skies have turned upon each other,
What had happened to the lust that paraded over the blue,
The opposite thundered in its ego,
As the airy white breath flusted in circles among the land.

It seems as though the black has bled the hands of the air,
Created sinful residue and showered the remains over the hills,
Deceit climbed from the skies of other frontiers and made a storm,
Forgetting that each had passion for another in the days of the sun.

The rain began to pour, and the sin that channeled,
Risen in the clouds, as the birds remained mute.

I opened my eyes, and could see that jealousy killed the skies.

Never will I trust so easily again.

When someone has joy they bring others it can brighten enhance a shine upon their face, or it can work the other way around. When someone is happy you either are wanting to be near that person, or you envy that person. When you don't see that happiness anymore, watching them fall apart, seeing no more random laughter, would you walk away or show them happiness once again.


Still she sits there, with her hands folded across and her feet fashioned firmly with ease. I noticed her when she and I were in grade school. She always wore the pressed jeans and bleached white shirts. She was a image of perfection, and she was nice as well. Nice in meaning that she was always generous and beyond caring. She was the last person that I thought would come and say hello to the new girl. She came right up and asked if she could be my friend.

I have known her since then, for six years. She is still the same spark of beauty and glory as ever. Whenever I would look at her as she spoke with so much grace and passion, she made others smile. You could see her tell stories of her church, which made her an even honorary person to look up to. The way every move she made seemed to be so easy for her, like it were an expression of godliness.

I was not her best friend or even the closest, but she always gave random chats with me every now and then. I would cherish those times she would talk to me, because so many vented upon her attention. I sometimes wished I could be her. She was so deep within life, so balanced with everything she did, yet so happy with everyday she awoke.

With her eyes looking to the passing cars and her hands held on my shoulders, she told me with a serious smile..

"A new tree will grow with its first leaves, roots and stems. Then when the tree can no longer grow those stems and shed those first grown leaves, they are cut from the gardener. The gardener cuts it down to very blunt stubs. The tree has a choice. It can either grow those stems and make new leaves, or stay a stub with sparse branches and few leaves. The tree the grows, will flourish with stronger roots and greener leaves. "

I was in need of some cheering up that day, and she knew just what to say to me.

I watched her after a few months though. She became a different person. There were days when she came to school and other days when she didn't. I could make out something different about her, and she was no longer smiling. The cheerful person I always knew, was fading.

I came up to her one day and asked her what was the matter, but she just nudged her head and gave a smirk to calm my worries. I gave her a hug and she gave me a silenet grasp. She looked at me under the sun filled skies, and her eyes created clouds. When she walked away from me as I watched her lead on the path to her house, I could not see the brightness that shown through her presence. She was lost and I didn't know what to do. I watched her leave all the happiness with so many others and the sorrows with herself. I wished I could have told her something that day.

Her happiness made other trees grow. She made others stronger and helped them live life with passion and resilience.

She will always be rememebered.


" A person can either let the world take them down, or let the world give them stregth. When you get cut and become depressed, if you choose to prevail you can flourish brighter then you ever have."

I would like to tell you something,
My heart has been aching with emptiness of nothing,
Desperate and hurt is what I feel,
It makes me depart from what is real.

I try and tell you what makes me cry,
But what is the use when it makes me rely,
On pain that urges from inside this room,
If you could see, if only you knew...

Becuase I care and feel the love,
Still deep in my heart I don't want it to be enough,
Don't you feel what we had,
Mistakes may come, but why should we become sad.

I cry for you becuase I loved you,
If you could see, if only you knew..

There is many who believe that living is a part of your skin and the creations you lead upon. The others believe that living consists of emotions that must be silenced.

The saturated gray cement slipped shyly under my sneakers, and my pants mulched with the slippery fluid. I held onto my flimsy bag and could hear the empty air and faraway voices. I let my pant legs drag under my sneakers as it soaked up the water from the various puddles. My mind was full of arguments and disorderly thoughts. I could see my mother asking for daily help, and my father arguing the same. Three jobs was enough, but I was the provider for my enthusiast drugged family.

The cold water made me shiver, and it was so far from my house. I kept walking, but the silence of being alone and the aggravating struggles of going to the next challenging struggle made it less of a motivated effort for me. My palms have been stuck near my face the whole time, it will freeze if it is not. I kept walking in order to feel my toes.

I feel my thoughts overcoming my heart. It hurts to think of when this will end. When I can live in a normal place without being hurt in the middle of the night, or screams within my numb ears. My thoughts are getting deeper and the rain is pouring harder. I can't see the end of this path anymore. Will it ever end?

When I start to ripple the water with my feet a little more slower, I feel a sudden clutch over my shoulder. I am pulled with an urgent force and nailed down to the water without a hope. I want to fight back, but I felt inside that there was no use. The water soaks over my body and the man yells words uncomprehending with the loud thunder of rain.

I look at him with dreary eyes. Tired of the day and tired of my life. I tell him to see...

I pull back my sweater sleeves and bruises line my wrists to my elbows distant point. I see that he gives no remorse, so I pull my pant legs up and wounds deep to my bone are wrapped in bandages and gauges. His head moves to the side. I then take off my jacket and take off my shirt and show him my torn and broken body. The blue and black race of my soul. He starts to whimper for not me but for himself.

I gravitated towards him and held him while he and I (strangers) drowned our problems unknown until the rain stopped and the tears became salt dust.

I kept walking, and living. Not in silence, but in thunder.

When the vertical streams of fiery swooning florescence beams upon the ambiance of that day, I still feel the breathing, I still feel the rush of blood rising through my nostrils, I still feel the tears that washed my face with salt and burnt like alcohol. I know what happened, but why would I know. Why would I explain what happened when it's not true in my own mind.

My hands are frozen and my eyes are boiled over. The status of where I am- to far for anyone to comprehend. I see the green hills and the maple trees. The natural lights swirving in different directions, all leading north. Over each hill there is a straight mark down the middle of brightness. The green blue colors of the sparse trees make the fence lines fade out. I only see the loneliness of this. I only see the empty spaces in between. I only see the lonely person sitting on top of the hill and seeking compassion among millions and billions of rebellion people.

I almost see the end point.

The way you looked decoded what you felt. Kissing me on my head to make me feel better. This will not make me feel any better then the first memory of you kissing me. I can see your okay, and it makes me less of myself. Be hurt, just as you hurt me. The cold is not cold anymore, it is chilling and fearful. I don't know what happened in my own mind.

I let the world have me after that. The movements you made me make were earthquakes upon my life. Moving everything out of order, and much time is needed to rebuild.

You cared for me when I was sick, and you helped me when I was lost. You helped me cope with day to day problems, and you kissed me goodnight even when you were not here. I miss you, but that must be erased as well.

Time is moving slow, but when you said your last words, they stopped completely. The seconds turned into years, and the hours turned into decades.

I will cry tonight, till I see your face in my dreams.

Green acres will take me on a ride,
Down the valley I will distance myself to hide,
Beyond the places that I knew so well,
I wonder not why the lonely lights propel.

Through bleeding of the red yellow skies,
I will say so long, and sit till a new day will arise,

The calignous rush screams through a jar,
I let deep downs from my skin scrape off and seal the envelope,
I wrote you a long letter, but why give it to such a darkened soul.

This is a star that will never twine to the memories again,
Feeling soft nude skin, will be wounded with goodbyes,
I only wish my head will sleep well,
But the anger that slips through to dispel,
Will make me fall to my hearts kill.

I am going to rob you blind tonight,
Everything you have will be mine,
Your eyes will be covered,
Your dreams will be lost,
I will be your lover that became an enemy at cost.

I like the ocean when it's as deep as this,
Where I can taste your sour intentions,
But your face is being remarked to lessen,
This infectious thing you do,
Will die with me and you,
like the laugh that you facade,
That rages like a loonatic parade.

Desire me no more,
I will pull your pain and make it my gain,
The life you chose with me will be a act of shame,
Yellow stickers will place upon your life,
You will be a disaese that many would stir away and rather die.

Seconds shadow in the tomb of your gruesome destruction,
I will pour out your ahes, till your nothin....

This thought

Its time to be awake now,
Reality awaits and the component you have been lacking is yourself,
I marched down the aisle and I lost my soul,
Everything given and nothing to hold.

This will be the last exhale and inhale you will see,
The day I breathe will be the day you believe me,
I have this dream and it rotted with so much pitted desolate darkness,
I would like to forget what I wished long ago, but in frequent silence it is reminisced.

This curse that places on my shoulders is hard to release,
I will try and push hard, but the weight is never freed,
Trafficking my heart to the many lonely nights,
When I think it may get better but instead I bury, kneel, and cry.

For what I must do!

For what I must do!

This place you put me at is hidden and scares my abused mind,
I am cutting the pain and letting the blood become pure and defined,
Where the marks will be sure to let you see,
I am alive and need to be freed.

I can't be in this darkness anymore,
The dreading discussions with the shadows on the floor,
I will part them now with my tired departure,
Then as I am dragging, there will be no more.

Only these times when the cries seem to reappear, For the pain will never cease, it will only create fear.

How could I live with myself when I left you there,
On the edge of high roads and despair,
Just tell me what you want me to say,
I will get down on this guilty trip, down on me knees and pray.

Please tell me dear what this means,
The end of such blitheness turned into .." Hush don't breath."
I hope this is just something many go through,
Pain that caught me unaware that I never knew,
What this is may be what you want,
But please forgive for what I have done.

I will not find your kiss, it will be retentive,
The things you have been, will be hard to not see and still live,
Tell me what I can do or is it to late,
My love I will never be the same,
Please take me off this pedestal of pain.

I care not for the days that were rough and pleading,
It is you, for the witnesses will be decreeing,
Take your hands and let them lye,
You will see the love within my moribund eyes.

I felt the lucid water sink in my throat,
And as he forgave, he strangled my hope.