The peaks are glossy and slightly pure,

As the blanched over tops are acquainted and stirred,

Musks of fog rolls over the apex,

Mother Mary shrines without rest,

As seen in cinemas and things forever told,

The stillness of the air creates a chill to the cold.

My hands are numb and the ground is stained,

My heart is covered in the chill of which came,

Sailing in the reserved doubt,

Is it time to huddle inside or open up and shout.

Fireflies are bioluminescent,

Fluttering in the point of pleasant,

With beauty of light and love,

The fireflies ignite as they slowly fall from giving up,

They see the darkness that the world withholds,

To much pain is there to conquer in this cold.

For the peaks are high and mighty now,

If I climb I descend down to the plow,

Where rivers run north and the light is not near,

The critters of beauty have fallen in the clear.

Pink has turned to black in the sky,

As the sun sets amongst the towns waiting to die,

For life has ended for no peace has been found,

The race of the human culture has been extinct due to naught being found.

Here I am standing on the top,

Take me now so the struggling will stop.

I have only heard it twice in my life. The words that fill a persons soul with exuberance and luminescent beauty. What are these words though. What can they do when you are filled with drought and hardships. This place is closing in and the vent up above me is creating a draft notwithstanding. Here I stand with but a terse notice of hope. Betrayed by such a sin that lingers down someones throat. The field of dreams has turned into the field of darkness. Adjoining my heart with a negative stimulus. This pain will be gone. Shrouded in the abyss of the apostolic gloom.

I am walking a path unknown and yet the detritus that fills my fingers and my toes as I lean into the ground lets me drink the fickle depths of my life. He told me this path would lead me to a recursive angle to walk down. Over and over I will have to take it in order to see its definitive ways. How my slapdash ways are overcoming me, and my shaking in my skin is sending chills in my veins.

I had this dream when I was younger of a little girl following a wondrous light. The tree of life would be secluded in the distance, and the grass would be tall and mysterious. You would wipe the tips of your fingers on these blades of grass as the slight breeze would fill your strayed hair with warm coats of the suns rays. You would never get to the tree. It would be to far and to much for you to travel to. Then your heart would beat out in the open and above your quilted blankets. I would find myself laying in a lost state of mind, wondering when I would get to that tree. This path is never going to end. I will never be able to extrapolate my dreams and the place I am walking to in reality.

When he said it I couldn't breathe. The outside world seemed to crumble in front of my eyes. I would have grabbed hold of something to support my lose weight but my palms were lined with fear. The pressure to feel anymore had subsided into dust. I could only fall and kneel in a cradled position as I heard echoes of what just happened. No heaven is what I felt. No heaven and no hell, just a place where you must rot with your own derived pain. Seems as though somatesthesia was taking over my stomach. I held onto my rib cage till my warm tears melted into the cold rain that poured over my shoulders. Nothing will be felt till the vindication of my heart swells and collides with what he said.

I am afraid to open my eyes to what there is to really see. I am afraid of being hurt again. I sat there in the cold night till the darkness became darker and the air became colder. When I could not shake and cry any longer I stood up and my body wobbled with an unorthodox feeling. I couldn't open my eyes so I let the night carry me to where I needed to go. Whispers near my side sent chills down my spine. Sweet serenade sent through my impounding pain. I didn't know what is was that told me to keep going but it saved my life. Just a few seconds later the building next to me incinerated in a heap of ash and fire. I got home with not a scratch on my pretty little face, only a broken heart and smeared mascara marks. I will never forget him or this day I told myself.

I climbed in my bed at two in the morning and laid with nothing to feel but remorse for those who lost their lives that night. I felt bad for feeling bad for myself. I only heard those three words twice in my life. " I love you", he said once before. Till he had me crying on my knees begging for no more. I laid in my bed with my quilted sheets huddled over my head. Trying to get to the tree of life once again.

I can lay here in a puddle of naught,
With little to bare and nothing to sought,
But my heart escalates and inclines to the fault,
Breathing in and out till the humidity exalts.

There are many things I should feel right now..

I can't stay alone anymore,
The tears will fall and the burns will scorn,
A few have brought me to my knees in the last days,
Showed me trust is something not mentioned or even graced,
I yearned for one and he took me apart,
Broke open the vase and left me to starve.

I have only reoccurring thoughts of him and what happened with few,
How my tears fell with my friend holding me in my dew,
I branched into a rage and took it out upon the deceiver,
When the endorphin or revenge was never the reliever.

I found in this last week something I should have found in these last years,
My mourning's for a person to be there with my many intensified fears,
Tolerating such a naive course of mind,
Looking for answers when I will never find.

Last night was the epiphany of lies,
I was down on the grass and could see the echoes from the skies,
The hands around me were praising someone unknown,
With no answers just as I was shown.

But my hear sank in..

It plummeted fifteen feet down the earths crust and didn't come back,
I could only feel my hands clench to the sprinkles in the grass,
The moist undertone of the world below my feet,
The millions shouting and yelling for him to set them free,
As I left my body and was abound to this unknown,
My heart was given back to me- no longer torn.

Somehow the weight of the week before has been driven afar,
Somehow the moment I set foot on that ballpark the yelling was melodic in its par,
Bleeding my eyes to the sky above,
My shaking of loneliness turned into shaking of love.

I knew that with all the mistakes and questions I feel guilty of,
It has been healing in a way,
As I now see the unknown is a something that endows me to feel happier today.

As I laid that night and prayed...under the night sky with the millions of others who gave their life.

I am not someone you want to associate with,
People say that I can bring you down with many fatal hits,
I have this smile and it is transparent,
Soon the people around me will eventually see my malicious grin,
So many say, that my heart will stay in this black drug,
Feeling so many things till everyone runs from having to much.

What I have tried has not worked,
I looked back on my life and I have always been hurt,
Looking at myself in the mirror till blood would rip off my knuckles,
The reflection was ugly as my world creates an internal hole,
Light comes and it goes, the real me comes back and takes apart,
Limb from limb my bones are left astray,
Its taking over like cancer till the medics get driven away.

Here I am in the back room behind the curtain,
I am old enough to see from right and wrong, but ever since I was little my sight has been dim,
My thoughts have been lost and my voice has been given,
Daily contemplated thoughts of why am I even living,
I want to go and leave so it does not make me want to puke,
My hands shake and my panic attacks never reduce.

There was never a time when I think far into the past,
I was always the child who wanted to grasp,
That shiny plated thing inside that drawer so tight,
Holding myself intently till the pain left the night.

I try to stir clear from huting those I love,
But in the end no one is safe hanging with a ghost,
A soul that wonders and never finds its way,
Only looking for something it will never find with this rancid face,
Long black hair and fair skin so white,
I am not fairy tale, but a hollow spirit in the mourning of her fright.

Take me along with no feet and no hope,
Cause I have tried to long, no meaning to cope,
Reasons to believe I am the hurt of the hurt,
Testaments to be said

Rake me under and spit me out,
I don't want to feel what your about,
I see all that you are and it hurts me to see,
Contemplating and wondering if you are for me,
Was it meant for me and you,
The moments, the bliss, the things we grew.

You say to not say it because there is no point,
Why say the words when its only toying,
Emotions that will linger and have no where to be,
Not inside of you because you don't want any of me,
But you touch and you feel what you want when you need,
How my heart is building a deeper hole that you are unable to see.

Why do I come back and realize that your the only one in my mind,
Even with this distraction of another, your the only thing that's left to find,
Should I move on and seek a better way,
Is the friendship we have meant to just fade,
Can I still talk to you and see you less then before,
Just a past memory of how happy I was when you were more.

You came to me the other day and held me in your arms,
You came to me the other day and brushed my skin from fear,
You came to me the other day and told me everything I wanted to hear,
You came to me and you gave me your soul,
You came to me, but what an illusion it was to such fool.
You came to me and I should have known,
You came to me and your wicked ways finally shown.

Now today you came and your eyes were distant,
They said little and could only nod to my appearance,
No heart no mourn, just a devilish look in your eyes,
You said you cared and needed a friends advise,
But as you spoke of her my heart sunk,
I wanted you to feel joy but hearing stung,
It hurt to know you have moved on,
Because I wouldn't know that feeling, I wish it were wrong.

I wish your face and aura were a distant past,
In some part I wish our friendship would not outlast,
I don't feel well and need some air,
What your doing to my heart is not fair.

You look at me and still lust over my beauty,
I know you wanted more- you knew me,
But now I see you needed something more,
You needed a person and not time,
You needed to let me be as you carried on with your life.

I am okay and I don't care,
That's what I keep saying till it feels like its fair,
Till that day you stroked me with your hands,
Can evade someone elses mind - I want nothing of this man!

I want no more of this feeling that god gave me,
The love for someone else as he barely even cared I breathe,
I hope that someday the people have caused pain,
Will see the things they slipped away in vain.

I am going to have to get over this to,
So I am able to have feelings for another who will undo.

There is such a thing as a desolate place. Where no one has heard of your name or even your existence. I have seen you though. I know you are alive and I kinda want to go to that empty drafty place. No one will know and I promise you this, no one will know when I vanish you from my mind. No one will know when you are erased and brought to the desert of no return. I will give you no nourishment or gratitude of meeting you before. I will let you rot till the flower you once said you met turns into a molted crud of nothing. You knew this. You knew I was bad news, so why try to make me into a dream. Why try and make me into what you want to believe. I am going to delete you and never let you come back. This is my land of forgotten and lost. This is my land that you will never explore.

Its hypocritical for me to start feeling once again. The cover of the canopies would crumble in October, but would lust in a black heap in this hot August. You are going to leave and nothing will salvage for me to feel like how I want it to. I will still be sitting here wondering where the hell you went? You are like a magnet that pulls and pushes, I can never get a connection to where it will stay . Its not aparent to me to what it is your doing. Why can I see the disaster before it happens. Why does the nightmares come during the day now and not as much in the night. The night is something like a death run. Where I must literally drink a mile to get you out of my mind. I'll write to you...? I'll talk to you..? I'll be waiting..? I'll be hurting..!

I'll be hurting...!
I'll be feeling...!
I'll be slowly dying...!

I peal my eyes and render myself alone in a garden now. When you left before I was okay. I made a spot for myself to hide in. To convince you were gone. You are back and will be gone again. The garden will overcome me. It will stain my skin in its green thorns and my blood will purify in the majestic zephyr. I will sleep with my mind at ease as the only thing I will think about is the petunias that sliver my nostrils in its intoxicating aromas. I will shed my tears to the silver rain drops and it will evaporate and cease to be. Yesterday was nothing, just as that notable body I once called friend.

I'll be over..!
I'll be done..!
I'll be free...!

The security in a persons mind is that each and every single person needs an attachments. This is a stage where you can only battle till you either die or erase to a desolate place.

I don't love, I give my soul. So don't tell me you love me unless you want me to give it all up.

My hair is being pulled with every white particle it contains as the echoes of the birds fly amongst the placid looks I give. I felt it. I felt as the whole world was crashing and building. It heard and it ignored. The tall walls between the corridors of nothing. The gargoyle above the aluminum door knob. I could see through the black hunt in the wolfs eyes. I could see the darkness that riddled my fingers and suffered my veins. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the whole world crash and evolve around the darkness I exuded. Then I crashed with it...

I took both hands and smelled the mud in my hair. I awoke and could see the bright zeal that ran across each face of the night ghouls. I was never scared of them, I was scared of the pressure inside. The pressure that would escalate and suddenly implode. Taking the deepest breath an being could inhale, I could taste the smudge taste of defeat.

I lift up my limp body and let my lifeless legs carry towards the gravity it gave. I pealed my eyes so it could see the struggle. I spit out gunk that sat in my throat for about a week. I was ready for the shit to come already. I was ready for it to hit me and this time... not ricochet. I can handle this. The lights not turned on and I don't ever want it to be, I want it to hurt in the blackness. I want to feel.

I was biting my lips intently as the rain poured on the crevices that were dry. I can see my place to conquer. I can see my place of defeat. Take me!

I bled my hands near my sides and my head tilted back in the moment of despair. I felt as the hands wrapped around the bones in my hips. I can feel the gnawin of the fingers cutting outside of my skin. The trees surrounded me and the night ruled me. I am changing and I don't care... it feels like how it is suppose to be.

Breathing with no way to inhale, the breath locked in on mine. It sealed its clothes against mine as my bare body trembled. I was falling. I fell fast and deep into the arms of the dark. Hands welted over my lips and tipped my head with easy force. It felt how I knew it would.

Then my pupils became smaller as the fingers left astray. The lips of something never known but always there locked onto mine. It tasted with a slight sting of menthol and iron. I enjoyed the addiction I was getting from this. I enjoyed the pain. I enjoyed the death I was receiving. Wrapping my neck in ropes and wire while my heart slowly collided with the reaper. I smiled under the pain and could see he was smiling to. He was smiling at my struggle and the hardship of containing myself away from this.

The darkness riddled my fingers now, and his touch was embedded in my skin for eternity. Scars to mark where they were. I would go over them twice to remember how I enjoyed it. How I enjoyed having made love to someone who made me feel suffocation.

I felt the whole world crashing, and then I fell with it.
The birds devour my carcass now.

Maybe this enough, maybe I can set free,
Look there is light behind that tree,
Not the cycle I thought would never end,
I can be okay with just a friend or no friend.

Yeah I have problems.. but don't we all,
Can't we just accept that I am smaller and you are tall,
I understand that these times are hard,
I can see that my face is soaked in my tears from last night,
But shoot, I am tired of feeling this fight.

I can't grasp or contradict what you spewed
What you had said because it was true,
I was a whore and I was a slut,
I was a home wrecker and I couldn't get enough,
But did you know I got over and am different now,
Did you know that the person I am is forgiven by him somehow.

I laughed today and I smiled a smile,
Not for anybody saying that it will be okay, but that it will take a while,
Take some time to get over you,
Take some time to heal the pain I chewed,
I can taste the blood no more,
Because the skin has nothing to mourn.

I don't want to see you because I know it would hurt,
So I now know the feeling is lost and churned,
The mixture has spread from solid to soft,
My heart has gone from rock to cloth,
I am fragile and I know this well,
But why sit and think of the stories to tell.

I am over and I am done,
Thank you god for believing that I could overcome,
This was not easy and still I need some time,
But the day will come when that special someone will be mine.

I understand and am happy with the present,
The pain will subside and the memories will lessen.

I am going to take my body apart with one organ at a time,
While I see faces and they have a lack of life to find,
Such begrudging innocence that embodies each soul,
My ears will be the first to take tole.

I don't want to perceive what people have to say,
The endless guiltless things that they tend to portray,
What bull they must try to aver,
I don't want to listen, I don't want to hear.

There is the cold and the dark that withholds,
People feel the pain but they listen to what their told,
Don't believe in this, and don't do that,
How long will the happiness conquer and last.

My hands and feet have had enough,
I don't want to feel or walk towards what I must,
The world is like sand paper and its to hard for my skin,
Full of evil and full of adjoining sin.

What are you and how are you different,
Your like the rest just a little bent,
Your mind is warped and you follow the others,
I don't trust you or any other.

I have no need for these eyes that see,
The destruction of the human race as they continuously bleed,
I can't seem to get the fog out of my view,
Because people won't budge or move.

I liked you and liked the one before,
I had friends and family, but what for,
The needing pain that renders at my veins,
Do I want to feel the pleasured drain.

LASTLY, the heart is the disease I want nothing more,
The pounding insanity that cradles my scorn,
The wanting of your attention and the birth spot of affection,
The death hole of fixation and feelings,
The narcissistic pain of personified dealings.

People are my enemy as well as this ungenerous world,
I will let out my pain till my heart unfurls,
Take my body and do what you like,
Before the blood fills your floor and you cry a fightless fight.

I am not what you think and I am not who I am,
I wished the world were colder and would fall to the damned.

Were you just a dream I conjured up,
Something that I once held and now helps me drown myself in this tub,
With forged words that I implied,
Will it come a day, where I feel normal or alive.

I shake from the treatment that was given,
Three pills and a drink to drown my living,
What happened in these moments I was blind,
You took me and I trusted with no chances to survive.

I was brilliant and now I am dull,
With darkness that haunts my soul,
I look at a person and fade right through,
Not knowing what they said, while dampening places of you.

This air is thick and inplaced with layers,
Trying to keep myself busy with the silence that blares,
I licked my wounds dry with salt,
So I can taste the cycle you exalt.

I am under and never over,
I wanted you so much, but your less of a lover,
Nothing will change and nothing will come,
I will be in this state of always being shunned.

Save me from what is eating me inside,
I have no place to turn from the feelings you keep trying to die.

Just a dream, just a moment,
Just a time when I felt atonement.

Fastening my belt to the loop that clings onto my hips. I feel the belt tighten around as I suck in the anguish from yesterday and my ribs roll inside my chest. I look in the mirror at 8:00 am and let myself soak in what I am to myself. I wipe my eyes with a moist cloth and hide my blue circles with white. The lips will be red and the lines I hide under will be black( the way I feel).

Today won't be different but mildly unknown. I only get exited for the anticipation for my car now. Maybe because my car can take my mind off things. I have to concentrate on the road and what is in front of me. When I am not in my car there is to much in front of me or nothing what so ever. I get to confused with everything, but with the music in my car I can let it fall off my hands and onto the wheel. Let whatever I am holding in onto the rage that escalates as I move and swerve between lanes. I am out of limits and beyond a destined point.

Today I was sitting in a room, I won't tell you where but it was a room. I sat there and could hear the bands playing and the load voices and millions of gossip and stares at one another. I could feel tension in some people and hope in others. I was in my own world I guess you would say. I didn't notice to much but could feel like the clamminess in my palms was me getting ready to explode inside. I am so unsure about myself( whether or not I am crazy). I let my mind calm itself with the tapping of my foot. I let myself focus on anything but myself. Then I noticed what makes me calm. Watching another person groom someone. I watched as this little girl tried to do another girls hair. She tugged and pulled on her golden locks. It was so cute first off, but the softness from a child's hand to another person is unlike anything. I let myself forget what was around me and fell down a path of no return.

I have been reading many books lately, scouring something that will give me answers to my life. There was a book that once read that a person who is autistic had more of a sense of what is going on in their world then a person who has no disability. They see the world with their eyes and not others. It is not our fault though, we were made to feel sympathy and depression. It is just the way we were built. I can't help to wonder why the day must always seem so much easier then night though. Why the thoughts from the day accumulate to expand at the end till the room is to full to be in anymore. My room is always a mess to begin with, and with all the other stuff from the day- I am surprise it has anymore room for me in it.

I hope my days on the train will be gone, and the songs I used to listen to will have no backlash memory. I want to be a blank slate again. Yet the colors have already molded and mixed, there is no way to get it back to just white.

I look at myself in the mirror again, 12:46 pm... I am not the same person as I was this morning. Today was different. Today I changed.

The year is at a confession. Many people I see are balancing their lives out on love. Love is a pure word full of passion and intensity. It conquers with death and romance. It helps and soothes. I have seen the end of many though. Where one must overcome and take on what the storm will give. Will the storm ever subside and let your mind walk to the tree of innocence once again? Will you let yourself lay down the battle and let your hands fly between the blades of grass to feel the pain rush with one instant. I see it, and it is getting close..... but obstacles come in my bound.


Dark master in the shadow with head down low,
Your mind sets trail with things I don't know,
With the settle of the chill and the howling of the night,
You come to hold me in your fright.

Will the pain we both endure make us better,
The storm comes near and the drought makes it wetter,
My clothes are soaked and my mind is at fault,
Will I fall for the darkness that renders in the forest so tall.

Bury me now with your dirt and grime,
I will hope that this other will save me some time,
Am I battling with something inside my head,
Trying to make it better with other creatures instead.

Your a monster and I knew this from the beginning,
But maybe I am attracted to help you start relieving,
The pain you have had is still there and you deny it still,
The darkest monster needs someone to help kill.

Kill the pain that aggravates him inside,
Kill the heart that he claims is still fine,
But you need and I need to help kill the pain that the darkness holds close,
Needing for the darkness to devour and eat what it rose.

It rose something that you and I can't kill all alone,
That is why I am here to help the storm wonder on home.

Monster you can stay, as for the creatures... they are my prey.

The abstemious sensations more otherwise corrected as a healed touch abides in a forest of remembrance. Deep in the dreaded locks of on going preludes of the heart I follow it there daily. Where the clanking implosions intensify when I recollect such images. Fasting on a diet of you, shall I move forward to the motions that pass though......faster and faster it nails in my skull and clamps on my heart. My feet move down the slide of the floor, with less friction then ever before.

I am bare foot upon where I lead and still I feel the magnifying leash that knots a force upon your veins. Where sketching is apart like no other and I see where the trail leads up your arm and down your spine. The damp apothic bleed that stings in your unawakened eyes latched me in your mission. To take what you always knew you had and let it lose to the moon you say is thus the most beautiful. I should have listened, you told me you were dangerous. Was it the venture I was seeking, the power you may have a hold of me. The rush you would make me feel as you ravaged me in your hands and throw me with no carefulness to the next destined point. Is it this that I am afraid and yet my heart needs to feel... the collapsing risk that sure will fail.

I am anchoring my lungs and letting my hands lose on your chest. It needs to set free in your clutch once more. Maybe to feel that the pain we both share can be equal in some deformed and hypocritical way. We can never be one but only acquaintances of the loneliness every soul feels every now and then. To comfort in need and assurance of hope if asked. This will only cause more disaster, but maybe in the end you can be part of my dying heart.

He lays with me till I sleep, then says see you and never goodbye.

" Goodbye causes the heart to mourn, holding ones hand and letting go is all you can do to keep the pain subsided. "

I am down here now...

I can't see any visibility, it has lost its meaning. I wish I could grab a hold of what I had but never have found. The days run into each other now, there is no movement only thoughts that collide. I don't want you to know my secret, but yet the world seems to know. It hurts you know. To feel alone sometimes. To feel as if you have so much potential and people say it, but you don't feel it. You see happiness so far away, but so close around you.

The dark climbs over my body sometimes. It creeps without me even knowing. I sit for hours contemplating on what to do, and then the darkness comes. It has become me now. I don't see you and I don't see me, I only see what the world see's. I see how I come home and try not to think of the pain but yet it escalates off my head and into my heart. Driving my veins to feel as if they need some kind of pressure to release the intolerable boundary I am making. Once and a while I see it, I see happiness lining itself to get shot. I feel the way I smile and my mind says it will not last, it will only stay till the darkness comes.... as I will not even notice.

The pillow will suphocate my thoughts..till I can't breathe anymore. Till I can only feel the little clutch of my hands as it wraps around the corners of the bed frame. I will think of the place with the nice two acre field. Before I felt as if I needed to be happy with the touch of someone else. I could just have the scent of fresh air and the tree's stand tall above my eyes. I would lay till night fall and do the same the next day. I wish I could replace what my thoughts are now.

I am coming down a lonely road and it was made to be kicked and blazed over. It was meant to be told what to do and what to feel. It was told to be confused and painfully missused. I heard things and I have done worse. I am the person I am and I have tried to change my ways. I can't stand the crying late at night. I can't stand the vacanct room with silence. I can't stand walking alone in the day. I can't stand...... everything.

Goodnight my thoughts for today.. Goodnight the pain that won't go away.

Dim

The skies can part now,
The music can die,
The heart can stop pumping,
The words can stop coming.

With every breath and every move,
With all the tries and wanting you,
Would you have come would you have stayed,
Maybe took the time time to wait.

On the line and wondering lost,
Little hope comes with great cost,
Back and forth you come and go,
Would it be better for me to move on then willow.

My eyes are tired and need some rest,
The day you said you would be here never exists,
Trails of promises and unknown touches,
Take there own world, maybe this should be enough,
Before heart ache appears and the mend will be to much.

Sixth month will be all there will be,
I tried and the farther I went the less I was able to see,
The moment I was flattered was the moment my life was altered,
Me going on from this was hard to comprehend and to easily hurt.

This is it and this will be done,
I give you my farewell as I am honest and blunt,
It hurts to see your face and hear your voice anymore,
I don't know the reasons I came into this, or what you absence was for.

Maybe being blind is not a condition or thing inherited,
Its a thing discovered when you think you have dated.

I know you are there under the thistle of the moon. The corpse of the darkness between the light of the night hits the weakness of my nerves. The little points in my blood and skin that signal a new point. One by one you see me pluck the pedals off of the rose, and you know this is where we begin and must end.

Smoke arises and simmers in the hot dew air, the laughter sinks deep inside our souls. The white texture hits my cheek and you look between both eyes and see not a person but something beyond my comprehension. It is a quarter past the hour and the deep dreading clock ticks till it falls off the wood screws it holds dearly to. You seek me with your eyes and I know you are there at my fingertips. I just let the air take me along for the ride and know this will never last. My salmon colored dress ripples in the sun and the smoke smothers its lace silhouette. I hold my hands on the counter and you take one and say that there is more then meets the eye, walking away with not knowing what you meant.

Sitting with the flies hovering in every which direction, I am not going to let you get to me. I am going to stay focused and not care if I feel an attraction towards you, I won't care if you try and talk, I won't care if you feel an anticipated interest towards me. So I will sit and let the hot humid air sink in my skin and my hands will wrap tightly around the chilled drink. You will not get to me. I have the power and you will not let the pedals fall onto my heart. I will pluck the last pedal.

I dream of the days when it was good, when I had someone like that. Who wanted me everyday and no one else. Do I want that again? NO!

The day is getting long and the songs are getting old. I let the relaxation of the drink take its course and let the air hold my eyes heavy. He comes near and I am unamused. He tells me of his passions and his life, I only peak. He tells me his tribulations and faults, I look. He tells me of how I need to never search and need to find someone who will respect me, I gaze. He tells me that life can be hard but to keep reaching for my dreams no matter what it takes, I lean over. He tells me that he has not met another person like him like me, I agree.

I let him take the last pedal, and was left with just the stem. I let my guard down but learned through all the smoke there is a light that will shine through sometimes. I just have to wait and be patient.

I remember everything, even when I try to kill it away. I remember the day I smiled and it folded inside a broken home. Repairing my thoughts will take the change of time, I don't have that kind of time. So here I go, tearing out the page I read a hundred times over. Restating an argument will never please the raped soul, but the air will shake a rancid heart.

The dusted corpse background lays out over the red sun, and I hold my hands inside my lonesome blouse, just to make sure it is still going. My body odor is penetrating my lungs with the heat of days. My skin is clammy and my eyes are invisible. They see stuff but what is there to see when the sun makes me blind of my own mind. The forty days I have been on this path has been nothing of a recovery. Why is it that the wind has the power to make me cry, but the sun has me failing and wanting to die? The man in the hills stays up there to feel a mediated breath. The brushes and branches of green and blue blend into his figure. I can see him lifting his hands up in the skies and screaming his pain. The man takes him empire in his hands and lets the hurt release. I envy the man in the hills.

Broken thoughts that won't relieve, I can climb my own corpse till it bleeds. The sweetest taste is the honey of the new day, and the honey has been dirt with water. It feels like my mouth has been forced unto the dirt I must eat. No rivers will flow inside my throat, only the anticipated trickles of hail.

I have fallen in love twice and both have ended abruptly and painfully. There was no success with the second try you always plead upon. The man in the hills has received the pain of many and still keeps on releasing and exhaling the toxins that appear. Love is suppose to make the world come together, and yet the lover of your choice is farther right then wrong. Make me tangle in the vines of flea, and mark it as a pampered punishment. The sun will rage over my heart and the winds will make me cry.

Take my hand because my pulse will lose its purpose and my tears will lose there clutch,
I will want to keep going, but the pain thrives within your touch.

I fall over and my heart takes the last balance it can persevere. I tremble for a few moments and watch the hills as the man walks far away. I see and feel the vapors in my breath fall loosely to my shoulders. My muscles are lightening and my jaw falls near my chest as my last breath is released. I let my fingers feel the dirt I eat and my eyes get heavy as they engulf my nightmares and dreams.

It dispirits with fatal ease when the rise comes close,
Retiring like a dragonfly that has lost its wings,
Inhaling and gulping down the last atmospheric dose,
Letting the realization that the world owes you naught of things.

When you take what you had and take what is now, do you have what you wished,
Was it more then what you reminisced,
I think the day you said you would be alright,
Content with what the masked man said through your window at night,
Did the person take your heart and burn your trust,
Did life turn steady or was the adrenalin not enough rush.

My eyes see things that seem to be true,
But when I look again the things I have seen withdrew,
They dissipate and never come back,
Not the same, just red and black.

What can I say that will make it transpire into something with meaning,
Not the lonesome heart that cuddles with grieving,
Take my hands and see what this is,
A blank outline, an erased canvas.

I will long no more and cry my last cry,
Just keep my in my coping till its clean and dry,
Rock me to sleep old moon and gleaming stars,
Take me to the far east in Myanmar.

Why does it flood in and out,
The fire is built up from grounds that will fall soon,
I have no bucket to let it out,
I am going to fall with it and won't have time to shout.

This is the pain I was talking about before,
When you feel you have no one and are hugging yourself next to the door,
I wish someone would see that I am a person to,
Not take me for granted and misuse.

Oh, how it kills me inside to see the on going fire,
My life turn to ashes and my passions flicker out,
I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.

Where you are is not where I am now,
I sink down low and see the dark prowl,
I close my eyes and hope it will all go away,
But when I open the pain still likes to stay.

Please fire go out and don't come back,
I will always be like this because people will always give me crap,
It will not be the world that takes me out in the end,
It will be the tug and scorch from the fire within.

The pain from the burn that hurts my soul,
Cries and tears that cover and unfold,
Where can I go to let my heart take mount,
I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.

I look for things to satisfy my pain,
But in the end there is nothing that can come from it to gain,
I only burn so much more inside that I can't lift from my knees,
I pray to god, PLEASE GOD PLEASE!

Where can I go to feel whole again,
What did I do wrong that made this life I live a sin,
I think no one cares who I am anymore,
I live alone in a room full of scorn.

I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.
No one will give me water to put the pain I am in out.

I poured a soul inside something that was empty,
The particles of it blended amongst the plenty,
It went past the volumes of blood that filled to the bridge,
Through the chords and tissues that surrendered to it.

With pillows of lungs to suck in the pull,
Boundless barricades it would make full,
The water that rushed through two quarters of your mass,
Plowing with power and forcing like brass.

Laying down the dark is upon,
Hands tingle with the sensation of it being drawn,
The puffs of air that you exhale and see,
The drifts of motion shakes inside to be free.

It reaches and your body paralyzes with milliseconds to spare,
The carbons come with and and your eyes see it there,
Flashes of life lifts beyond apprehension,
Through the dark it floats without remorse,
With a swift movement its off to a new course.

Past the building and amongst the laughing strangers,
They feel the chill that it gives as it lingers,
The allergies they say as the tears roll off their cheeks in its wind,
Making the people feel the pain as it touches them.

The soul remains back above where it briskly drifts away,
Until I pour another soul in hope that it will someday stay.

My soul is weak,
My soul is hurt,
But I wish for it to heal,
So I am able to feel.