The peaks are glossy and slightly pure,

As the blanched over tops are acquainted and stirred,

Musks of fog rolls over the apex,

Mother Mary shrines without rest,

As seen in cinemas and things forever told,

The stillness of the air creates a chill to the cold.

My hands are numb and the ground is stained,

My heart is covered in the chill of which came,

Sailing in the reserved doubt,

Is it time to huddle inside or open up and shout.

Fireflies are bioluminescent,

Fluttering in the point of pleasant,

With beauty of light and love,

The fireflies ignite as they slowly fall from giving up,

They see the darkness that the world withholds,

To much pain is there to conquer in this cold.

For the peaks are high and mighty now,

If I climb I descend down to the plow,

Where rivers run north and the light is not near,

The critters of beauty have fallen in the clear.

Pink has turned to black in the sky,

As the sun sets amongst the towns waiting to die,

For life has ended for no peace has been found,

The race of the human culture has been extinct due to naught being found.

Here I am standing on the top,

Take me now so the struggling will stop.

I have only heard it twice in my life. The words that fill a persons soul with exuberance and luminescent beauty. What are these words though. What can they do when you are filled with drought and hardships. This place is closing in and the vent up above me is creating a draft notwithstanding. Here I stand with but a terse notice of hope. Betrayed by such a sin that lingers down someones throat. The field of dreams has turned into the field of darkness. Adjoining my heart with a negative stimulus. This pain will be gone. Shrouded in the abyss of the apostolic gloom.

I am walking a path unknown and yet the detritus that fills my fingers and my toes as I lean into the ground lets me drink the fickle depths of my life. He told me this path would lead me to a recursive angle to walk down. Over and over I will have to take it in order to see its definitive ways. How my slapdash ways are overcoming me, and my shaking in my skin is sending chills in my veins.

I had this dream when I was younger of a little girl following a wondrous light. The tree of life would be secluded in the distance, and the grass would be tall and mysterious. You would wipe the tips of your fingers on these blades of grass as the slight breeze would fill your strayed hair with warm coats of the suns rays. You would never get to the tree. It would be to far and to much for you to travel to. Then your heart would beat out in the open and above your quilted blankets. I would find myself laying in a lost state of mind, wondering when I would get to that tree. This path is never going to end. I will never be able to extrapolate my dreams and the place I am walking to in reality.

When he said it I couldn't breathe. The outside world seemed to crumble in front of my eyes. I would have grabbed hold of something to support my lose weight but my palms were lined with fear. The pressure to feel anymore had subsided into dust. I could only fall and kneel in a cradled position as I heard echoes of what just happened. No heaven is what I felt. No heaven and no hell, just a place where you must rot with your own derived pain. Seems as though somatesthesia was taking over my stomach. I held onto my rib cage till my warm tears melted into the cold rain that poured over my shoulders. Nothing will be felt till the vindication of my heart swells and collides with what he said.

I am afraid to open my eyes to what there is to really see. I am afraid of being hurt again. I sat there in the cold night till the darkness became darker and the air became colder. When I could not shake and cry any longer I stood up and my body wobbled with an unorthodox feeling. I couldn't open my eyes so I let the night carry me to where I needed to go. Whispers near my side sent chills down my spine. Sweet serenade sent through my impounding pain. I didn't know what is was that told me to keep going but it saved my life. Just a few seconds later the building next to me incinerated in a heap of ash and fire. I got home with not a scratch on my pretty little face, only a broken heart and smeared mascara marks. I will never forget him or this day I told myself.

I climbed in my bed at two in the morning and laid with nothing to feel but remorse for those who lost their lives that night. I felt bad for feeling bad for myself. I only heard those three words twice in my life. " I love you", he said once before. Till he had me crying on my knees begging for no more. I laid in my bed with my quilted sheets huddled over my head. Trying to get to the tree of life once again.

I can lay here in a puddle of naught,
With little to bare and nothing to sought,
But my heart escalates and inclines to the fault,
Breathing in and out till the humidity exalts.

There are many things I should feel right now..

I can't stay alone anymore,
The tears will fall and the burns will scorn,
A few have brought me to my knees in the last days,
Showed me trust is something not mentioned or even graced,
I yearned for one and he took me apart,
Broke open the vase and left me to starve.

I have only reoccurring thoughts of him and what happened with few,
How my tears fell with my friend holding me in my dew,
I branched into a rage and took it out upon the deceiver,
When the endorphin or revenge was never the reliever.

I found in this last week something I should have found in these last years,
My mourning's for a person to be there with my many intensified fears,
Tolerating such a naive course of mind,
Looking for answers when I will never find.

Last night was the epiphany of lies,
I was down on the grass and could see the echoes from the skies,
The hands around me were praising someone unknown,
With no answers just as I was shown.

But my hear sank in..

It plummeted fifteen feet down the earths crust and didn't come back,
I could only feel my hands clench to the sprinkles in the grass,
The moist undertone of the world below my feet,
The millions shouting and yelling for him to set them free,
As I left my body and was abound to this unknown,
My heart was given back to me- no longer torn.

Somehow the weight of the week before has been driven afar,
Somehow the moment I set foot on that ballpark the yelling was melodic in its par,
Bleeding my eyes to the sky above,
My shaking of loneliness turned into shaking of love.

I knew that with all the mistakes and questions I feel guilty of,
It has been healing in a way,
As I now see the unknown is a something that endows me to feel happier today.

As I laid that night and prayed...under the night sky with the millions of others who gave their life.

I am not someone you want to associate with,
People say that I can bring you down with many fatal hits,
I have this smile and it is transparent,
Soon the people around me will eventually see my malicious grin,
So many say, that my heart will stay in this black drug,
Feeling so many things till everyone runs from having to much.

What I have tried has not worked,
I looked back on my life and I have always been hurt,
Looking at myself in the mirror till blood would rip off my knuckles,
The reflection was ugly as my world creates an internal hole,
Light comes and it goes, the real me comes back and takes apart,
Limb from limb my bones are left astray,
Its taking over like cancer till the medics get driven away.

Here I am in the back room behind the curtain,
I am old enough to see from right and wrong, but ever since I was little my sight has been dim,
My thoughts have been lost and my voice has been given,
Daily contemplated thoughts of why am I even living,
I want to go and leave so it does not make me want to puke,
My hands shake and my panic attacks never reduce.

There was never a time when I think far into the past,
I was always the child who wanted to grasp,
That shiny plated thing inside that drawer so tight,
Holding myself intently till the pain left the night.

I try to stir clear from huting those I love,
But in the end no one is safe hanging with a ghost,
A soul that wonders and never finds its way,
Only looking for something it will never find with this rancid face,
Long black hair and fair skin so white,
I am not fairy tale, but a hollow spirit in the mourning of her fright.

Take me along with no feet and no hope,
Cause I have tried to long, no meaning to cope,
Reasons to believe I am the hurt of the hurt,
Testaments to be said

Rake me under and spit me out,
I don't want to feel what your about,
I see all that you are and it hurts me to see,
Contemplating and wondering if you are for me,
Was it meant for me and you,
The moments, the bliss, the things we grew.

You say to not say it because there is no point,
Why say the words when its only toying,
Emotions that will linger and have no where to be,
Not inside of you because you don't want any of me,
But you touch and you feel what you want when you need,
How my heart is building a deeper hole that you are unable to see.

Why do I come back and realize that your the only one in my mind,
Even with this distraction of another, your the only thing that's left to find,
Should I move on and seek a better way,
Is the friendship we have meant to just fade,
Can I still talk to you and see you less then before,
Just a past memory of how happy I was when you were more.

You came to me the other day and held me in your arms,
You came to me the other day and brushed my skin from fear,
You came to me the other day and told me everything I wanted to hear,
You came to me and you gave me your soul,
You came to me, but what an illusion it was to such fool.
You came to me and I should have known,
You came to me and your wicked ways finally shown.

Now today you came and your eyes were distant,
They said little and could only nod to my appearance,
No heart no mourn, just a devilish look in your eyes,
You said you cared and needed a friends advise,
But as you spoke of her my heart sunk,
I wanted you to feel joy but hearing stung,
It hurt to know you have moved on,
Because I wouldn't know that feeling, I wish it were wrong.

I wish your face and aura were a distant past,
In some part I wish our friendship would not outlast,
I don't feel well and need some air,
What your doing to my heart is not fair.

You look at me and still lust over my beauty,
I know you wanted more- you knew me,
But now I see you needed something more,
You needed a person and not time,
You needed to let me be as you carried on with your life.

I am okay and I don't care,
That's what I keep saying till it feels like its fair,
Till that day you stroked me with your hands,
Can evade someone elses mind - I want nothing of this man!

I want no more of this feeling that god gave me,
The love for someone else as he barely even cared I breathe,
I hope that someday the people have caused pain,
Will see the things they slipped away in vain.

I am going to have to get over this to,
So I am able to have feelings for another who will undo.

There is such a thing as a desolate place. Where no one has heard of your name or even your existence. I have seen you though. I know you are alive and I kinda want to go to that empty drafty place. No one will know and I promise you this, no one will know when I vanish you from my mind. No one will know when you are erased and brought to the desert of no return. I will give you no nourishment or gratitude of meeting you before. I will let you rot till the flower you once said you met turns into a molted crud of nothing. You knew this. You knew I was bad news, so why try to make me into a dream. Why try and make me into what you want to believe. I am going to delete you and never let you come back. This is my land of forgotten and lost. This is my land that you will never explore.

Its hypocritical for me to start feeling once again. The cover of the canopies would crumble in October, but would lust in a black heap in this hot August. You are going to leave and nothing will salvage for me to feel like how I want it to. I will still be sitting here wondering where the hell you went? You are like a magnet that pulls and pushes, I can never get a connection to where it will stay . Its not aparent to me to what it is your doing. Why can I see the disaster before it happens. Why does the nightmares come during the day now and not as much in the night. The night is something like a death run. Where I must literally drink a mile to get you out of my mind. I'll write to you...? I'll talk to you..? I'll be waiting..? I'll be hurting..!

I'll be hurting...!
I'll be feeling...!
I'll be slowly dying...!

I peal my eyes and render myself alone in a garden now. When you left before I was okay. I made a spot for myself to hide in. To convince you were gone. You are back and will be gone again. The garden will overcome me. It will stain my skin in its green thorns and my blood will purify in the majestic zephyr. I will sleep with my mind at ease as the only thing I will think about is the petunias that sliver my nostrils in its intoxicating aromas. I will shed my tears to the silver rain drops and it will evaporate and cease to be. Yesterday was nothing, just as that notable body I once called friend.

I'll be over..!
I'll be done..!
I'll be free...!

The security in a persons mind is that each and every single person needs an attachments. This is a stage where you can only battle till you either die or erase to a desolate place.

I don't love, I give my soul. So don't tell me you love me unless you want me to give it all up.

My hair is being pulled with every white particle it contains as the echoes of the birds fly amongst the placid looks I give. I felt it. I felt as the whole world was crashing and building. It heard and it ignored. The tall walls between the corridors of nothing. The gargoyle above the aluminum door knob. I could see through the black hunt in the wolfs eyes. I could see the darkness that riddled my fingers and suffered my veins. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the whole world crash and evolve around the darkness I exuded. Then I crashed with it...

I took both hands and smelled the mud in my hair. I awoke and could see the bright zeal that ran across each face of the night ghouls. I was never scared of them, I was scared of the pressure inside. The pressure that would escalate and suddenly implode. Taking the deepest breath an being could inhale, I could taste the smudge taste of defeat.

I lift up my limp body and let my lifeless legs carry towards the gravity it gave. I pealed my eyes so it could see the struggle. I spit out gunk that sat in my throat for about a week. I was ready for the shit to come already. I was ready for it to hit me and this time... not ricochet. I can handle this. The lights not turned on and I don't ever want it to be, I want it to hurt in the blackness. I want to feel.

I was biting my lips intently as the rain poured on the crevices that were dry. I can see my place to conquer. I can see my place of defeat. Take me!

I bled my hands near my sides and my head tilted back in the moment of despair. I felt as the hands wrapped around the bones in my hips. I can feel the gnawin of the fingers cutting outside of my skin. The trees surrounded me and the night ruled me. I am changing and I don't care... it feels like how it is suppose to be.

Breathing with no way to inhale, the breath locked in on mine. It sealed its clothes against mine as my bare body trembled. I was falling. I fell fast and deep into the arms of the dark. Hands welted over my lips and tipped my head with easy force. It felt how I knew it would.

Then my pupils became smaller as the fingers left astray. The lips of something never known but always there locked onto mine. It tasted with a slight sting of menthol and iron. I enjoyed the addiction I was getting from this. I enjoyed the pain. I enjoyed the death I was receiving. Wrapping my neck in ropes and wire while my heart slowly collided with the reaper. I smiled under the pain and could see he was smiling to. He was smiling at my struggle and the hardship of containing myself away from this.

The darkness riddled my fingers now, and his touch was embedded in my skin for eternity. Scars to mark where they were. I would go over them twice to remember how I enjoyed it. How I enjoyed having made love to someone who made me feel suffocation.

I felt the whole world crashing, and then I fell with it.
The birds devour my carcass now.

Maybe this enough, maybe I can set free,
Look there is light behind that tree,
Not the cycle I thought would never end,
I can be okay with just a friend or no friend.

Yeah I have problems.. but don't we all,
Can't we just accept that I am smaller and you are tall,
I understand that these times are hard,
I can see that my face is soaked in my tears from last night,
But shoot, I am tired of feeling this fight.

I can't grasp or contradict what you spewed
What you had said because it was true,
I was a whore and I was a slut,
I was a home wrecker and I couldn't get enough,
But did you know I got over and am different now,
Did you know that the person I am is forgiven by him somehow.

I laughed today and I smiled a smile,
Not for anybody saying that it will be okay, but that it will take a while,
Take some time to get over you,
Take some time to heal the pain I chewed,
I can taste the blood no more,
Because the skin has nothing to mourn.

I don't want to see you because I know it would hurt,
So I now know the feeling is lost and churned,
The mixture has spread from solid to soft,
My heart has gone from rock to cloth,
I am fragile and I know this well,
But why sit and think of the stories to tell.

I am over and I am done,
Thank you god for believing that I could overcome,
This was not easy and still I need some time,
But the day will come when that special someone will be mine.

I understand and am happy with the present,
The pain will subside and the memories will lessen.

I am going to take my body apart with one organ at a time,
While I see faces and they have a lack of life to find,
Such begrudging innocence that embodies each soul,
My ears will be the first to take tole.

I don't want to perceive what people have to say,
The endless guiltless things that they tend to portray,
What bull they must try to aver,
I don't want to listen, I don't want to hear.

There is the cold and the dark that withholds,
People feel the pain but they listen to what their told,
Don't believe in this, and don't do that,
How long will the happiness conquer and last.

My hands and feet have had enough,
I don't want to feel or walk towards what I must,
The world is like sand paper and its to hard for my skin,
Full of evil and full of adjoining sin.

What are you and how are you different,
Your like the rest just a little bent,
Your mind is warped and you follow the others,
I don't trust you or any other.

I have no need for these eyes that see,
The destruction of the human race as they continuously bleed,
I can't seem to get the fog out of my view,
Because people won't budge or move.

I liked you and liked the one before,
I had friends and family, but what for,
The needing pain that renders at my veins,
Do I want to feel the pleasured drain.

LASTLY, the heart is the disease I want nothing more,
The pounding insanity that cradles my scorn,
The wanting of your attention and the birth spot of affection,
The death hole of fixation and feelings,
The narcissistic pain of personified dealings.

People are my enemy as well as this ungenerous world,
I will let out my pain till my heart unfurls,
Take my body and do what you like,
Before the blood fills your floor and you cry a fightless fight.

I am not what you think and I am not who I am,
I wished the world were colder and would fall to the damned.

Were you just a dream I conjured up,
Something that I once held and now helps me drown myself in this tub,
With forged words that I implied,
Will it come a day, where I feel normal or alive.

I shake from the treatment that was given,
Three pills and a drink to drown my living,
What happened in these moments I was blind,
You took me and I trusted with no chances to survive.

I was brilliant and now I am dull,
With darkness that haunts my soul,
I look at a person and fade right through,
Not knowing what they said, while dampening places of you.

This air is thick and inplaced with layers,
Trying to keep myself busy with the silence that blares,
I licked my wounds dry with salt,
So I can taste the cycle you exalt.

I am under and never over,
I wanted you so much, but your less of a lover,
Nothing will change and nothing will come,
I will be in this state of always being shunned.

Save me from what is eating me inside,
I have no place to turn from the feelings you keep trying to die.

Just a dream, just a moment,
Just a time when I felt atonement.

Fastening my belt to the loop that clings onto my hips. I feel the belt tighten around as I suck in the anguish from yesterday and my ribs roll inside my chest. I look in the mirror at 8:00 am and let myself soak in what I am to myself. I wipe my eyes with a moist cloth and hide my blue circles with white. The lips will be red and the lines I hide under will be black( the way I feel).

Today won't be different but mildly unknown. I only get exited for the anticipation for my car now. Maybe because my car can take my mind off things. I have to concentrate on the road and what is in front of me. When I am not in my car there is to much in front of me or nothing what so ever. I get to confused with everything, but with the music in my car I can let it fall off my hands and onto the wheel. Let whatever I am holding in onto the rage that escalates as I move and swerve between lanes. I am out of limits and beyond a destined point.

Today I was sitting in a room, I won't tell you where but it was a room. I sat there and could hear the bands playing and the load voices and millions of gossip and stares at one another. I could feel tension in some people and hope in others. I was in my own world I guess you would say. I didn't notice to much but could feel like the clamminess in my palms was me getting ready to explode inside. I am so unsure about myself( whether or not I am crazy). I let my mind calm itself with the tapping of my foot. I let myself focus on anything but myself. Then I noticed what makes me calm. Watching another person groom someone. I watched as this little girl tried to do another girls hair. She tugged and pulled on her golden locks. It was so cute first off, but the softness from a child's hand to another person is unlike anything. I let myself forget what was around me and fell down a path of no return.

I have been reading many books lately, scouring something that will give me answers to my life. There was a book that once read that a person who is autistic had more of a sense of what is going on in their world then a person who has no disability. They see the world with their eyes and not others. It is not our fault though, we were made to feel sympathy and depression. It is just the way we were built. I can't help to wonder why the day must always seem so much easier then night though. Why the thoughts from the day accumulate to expand at the end till the room is to full to be in anymore. My room is always a mess to begin with, and with all the other stuff from the day- I am surprise it has anymore room for me in it.

I hope my days on the train will be gone, and the songs I used to listen to will have no backlash memory. I want to be a blank slate again. Yet the colors have already molded and mixed, there is no way to get it back to just white.

I look at myself in the mirror again, 12:46 pm... I am not the same person as I was this morning. Today was different. Today I changed.

The year is at a confession. Many people I see are balancing their lives out on love. Love is a pure word full of passion and intensity. It conquers with death and romance. It helps and soothes. I have seen the end of many though. Where one must overcome and take on what the storm will give. Will the storm ever subside and let your mind walk to the tree of innocence once again? Will you let yourself lay down the battle and let your hands fly between the blades of grass to feel the pain rush with one instant. I see it, and it is getting close..... but obstacles come in my bound.


Dark master in the shadow with head down low,
Your mind sets trail with things I don't know,
With the settle of the chill and the howling of the night,
You come to hold me in your fright.

Will the pain we both endure make us better,
The storm comes near and the drought makes it wetter,
My clothes are soaked and my mind is at fault,
Will I fall for the darkness that renders in the forest so tall.

Bury me now with your dirt and grime,
I will hope that this other will save me some time,
Am I battling with something inside my head,
Trying to make it better with other creatures instead.

Your a monster and I knew this from the beginning,
But maybe I am attracted to help you start relieving,
The pain you have had is still there and you deny it still,
The darkest monster needs someone to help kill.

Kill the pain that aggravates him inside,
Kill the heart that he claims is still fine,
But you need and I need to help kill the pain that the darkness holds close,
Needing for the darkness to devour and eat what it rose.

It rose something that you and I can't kill all alone,
That is why I am here to help the storm wonder on home.

Monster you can stay, as for the creatures... they are my prey.

The abstemious sensations more otherwise corrected as a healed touch abides in a forest of remembrance. Deep in the dreaded locks of on going preludes of the heart I follow it there daily. Where the clanking implosions intensify when I recollect such images. Fasting on a diet of you, shall I move forward to the motions that pass though......faster and faster it nails in my skull and clamps on my heart. My feet move down the slide of the floor, with less friction then ever before.

I am bare foot upon where I lead and still I feel the magnifying leash that knots a force upon your veins. Where sketching is apart like no other and I see where the trail leads up your arm and down your spine. The damp apothic bleed that stings in your unawakened eyes latched me in your mission. To take what you always knew you had and let it lose to the moon you say is thus the most beautiful. I should have listened, you told me you were dangerous. Was it the venture I was seeking, the power you may have a hold of me. The rush you would make me feel as you ravaged me in your hands and throw me with no carefulness to the next destined point. Is it this that I am afraid and yet my heart needs to feel... the collapsing risk that sure will fail.

I am anchoring my lungs and letting my hands lose on your chest. It needs to set free in your clutch once more. Maybe to feel that the pain we both share can be equal in some deformed and hypocritical way. We can never be one but only acquaintances of the loneliness every soul feels every now and then. To comfort in need and assurance of hope if asked. This will only cause more disaster, but maybe in the end you can be part of my dying heart.

He lays with me till I sleep, then says see you and never goodbye.

" Goodbye causes the heart to mourn, holding ones hand and letting go is all you can do to keep the pain subsided. "

I am down here now...

I can't see any visibility, it has lost its meaning. I wish I could grab a hold of what I had but never have found. The days run into each other now, there is no movement only thoughts that collide. I don't want you to know my secret, but yet the world seems to know. It hurts you know. To feel alone sometimes. To feel as if you have so much potential and people say it, but you don't feel it. You see happiness so far away, but so close around you.

The dark climbs over my body sometimes. It creeps without me even knowing. I sit for hours contemplating on what to do, and then the darkness comes. It has become me now. I don't see you and I don't see me, I only see what the world see's. I see how I come home and try not to think of the pain but yet it escalates off my head and into my heart. Driving my veins to feel as if they need some kind of pressure to release the intolerable boundary I am making. Once and a while I see it, I see happiness lining itself to get shot. I feel the way I smile and my mind says it will not last, it will only stay till the darkness comes.... as I will not even notice.

The pillow will suphocate my thoughts..till I can't breathe anymore. Till I can only feel the little clutch of my hands as it wraps around the corners of the bed frame. I will think of the place with the nice two acre field. Before I felt as if I needed to be happy with the touch of someone else. I could just have the scent of fresh air and the tree's stand tall above my eyes. I would lay till night fall and do the same the next day. I wish I could replace what my thoughts are now.

I am coming down a lonely road and it was made to be kicked and blazed over. It was meant to be told what to do and what to feel. It was told to be confused and painfully missused. I heard things and I have done worse. I am the person I am and I have tried to change my ways. I can't stand the crying late at night. I can't stand the vacanct room with silence. I can't stand walking alone in the day. I can't stand...... everything.

Goodnight my thoughts for today.. Goodnight the pain that won't go away.

Dim

The skies can part now,
The music can die,
The heart can stop pumping,
The words can stop coming.

With every breath and every move,
With all the tries and wanting you,
Would you have come would you have stayed,
Maybe took the time time to wait.

On the line and wondering lost,
Little hope comes with great cost,
Back and forth you come and go,
Would it be better for me to move on then willow.

My eyes are tired and need some rest,
The day you said you would be here never exists,
Trails of promises and unknown touches,
Take there own world, maybe this should be enough,
Before heart ache appears and the mend will be to much.

Sixth month will be all there will be,
I tried and the farther I went the less I was able to see,
The moment I was flattered was the moment my life was altered,
Me going on from this was hard to comprehend and to easily hurt.

This is it and this will be done,
I give you my farewell as I am honest and blunt,
It hurts to see your face and hear your voice anymore,
I don't know the reasons I came into this, or what you absence was for.

Maybe being blind is not a condition or thing inherited,
Its a thing discovered when you think you have dated.

I know you are there under the thistle of the moon. The corpse of the darkness between the light of the night hits the weakness of my nerves. The little points in my blood and skin that signal a new point. One by one you see me pluck the pedals off of the rose, and you know this is where we begin and must end.

Smoke arises and simmers in the hot dew air, the laughter sinks deep inside our souls. The white texture hits my cheek and you look between both eyes and see not a person but something beyond my comprehension. It is a quarter past the hour and the deep dreading clock ticks till it falls off the wood screws it holds dearly to. You seek me with your eyes and I know you are there at my fingertips. I just let the air take me along for the ride and know this will never last. My salmon colored dress ripples in the sun and the smoke smothers its lace silhouette. I hold my hands on the counter and you take one and say that there is more then meets the eye, walking away with not knowing what you meant.

Sitting with the flies hovering in every which direction, I am not going to let you get to me. I am going to stay focused and not care if I feel an attraction towards you, I won't care if you try and talk, I won't care if you feel an anticipated interest towards me. So I will sit and let the hot humid air sink in my skin and my hands will wrap tightly around the chilled drink. You will not get to me. I have the power and you will not let the pedals fall onto my heart. I will pluck the last pedal.

I dream of the days when it was good, when I had someone like that. Who wanted me everyday and no one else. Do I want that again? NO!

The day is getting long and the songs are getting old. I let the relaxation of the drink take its course and let the air hold my eyes heavy. He comes near and I am unamused. He tells me of his passions and his life, I only peak. He tells me his tribulations and faults, I look. He tells me of how I need to never search and need to find someone who will respect me, I gaze. He tells me that life can be hard but to keep reaching for my dreams no matter what it takes, I lean over. He tells me that he has not met another person like him like me, I agree.

I let him take the last pedal, and was left with just the stem. I let my guard down but learned through all the smoke there is a light that will shine through sometimes. I just have to wait and be patient.

I remember everything, even when I try to kill it away. I remember the day I smiled and it folded inside a broken home. Repairing my thoughts will take the change of time, I don't have that kind of time. So here I go, tearing out the page I read a hundred times over. Restating an argument will never please the raped soul, but the air will shake a rancid heart.

The dusted corpse background lays out over the red sun, and I hold my hands inside my lonesome blouse, just to make sure it is still going. My body odor is penetrating my lungs with the heat of days. My skin is clammy and my eyes are invisible. They see stuff but what is there to see when the sun makes me blind of my own mind. The forty days I have been on this path has been nothing of a recovery. Why is it that the wind has the power to make me cry, but the sun has me failing and wanting to die? The man in the hills stays up there to feel a mediated breath. The brushes and branches of green and blue blend into his figure. I can see him lifting his hands up in the skies and screaming his pain. The man takes him empire in his hands and lets the hurt release. I envy the man in the hills.

Broken thoughts that won't relieve, I can climb my own corpse till it bleeds. The sweetest taste is the honey of the new day, and the honey has been dirt with water. It feels like my mouth has been forced unto the dirt I must eat. No rivers will flow inside my throat, only the anticipated trickles of hail.

I have fallen in love twice and both have ended abruptly and painfully. There was no success with the second try you always plead upon. The man in the hills has received the pain of many and still keeps on releasing and exhaling the toxins that appear. Love is suppose to make the world come together, and yet the lover of your choice is farther right then wrong. Make me tangle in the vines of flea, and mark it as a pampered punishment. The sun will rage over my heart and the winds will make me cry.

Take my hand because my pulse will lose its purpose and my tears will lose there clutch,
I will want to keep going, but the pain thrives within your touch.

I fall over and my heart takes the last balance it can persevere. I tremble for a few moments and watch the hills as the man walks far away. I see and feel the vapors in my breath fall loosely to my shoulders. My muscles are lightening and my jaw falls near my chest as my last breath is released. I let my fingers feel the dirt I eat and my eyes get heavy as they engulf my nightmares and dreams.

It dispirits with fatal ease when the rise comes close,
Retiring like a dragonfly that has lost its wings,
Inhaling and gulping down the last atmospheric dose,
Letting the realization that the world owes you naught of things.

When you take what you had and take what is now, do you have what you wished,
Was it more then what you reminisced,
I think the day you said you would be alright,
Content with what the masked man said through your window at night,
Did the person take your heart and burn your trust,
Did life turn steady or was the adrenalin not enough rush.

My eyes see things that seem to be true,
But when I look again the things I have seen withdrew,
They dissipate and never come back,
Not the same, just red and black.

What can I say that will make it transpire into something with meaning,
Not the lonesome heart that cuddles with grieving,
Take my hands and see what this is,
A blank outline, an erased canvas.

I will long no more and cry my last cry,
Just keep my in my coping till its clean and dry,
Rock me to sleep old moon and gleaming stars,
Take me to the far east in Myanmar.

Why does it flood in and out,
The fire is built up from grounds that will fall soon,
I have no bucket to let it out,
I am going to fall with it and won't have time to shout.

This is the pain I was talking about before,
When you feel you have no one and are hugging yourself next to the door,
I wish someone would see that I am a person to,
Not take me for granted and misuse.

Oh, how it kills me inside to see the on going fire,
My life turn to ashes and my passions flicker out,
I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.

Where you are is not where I am now,
I sink down low and see the dark prowl,
I close my eyes and hope it will all go away,
But when I open the pain still likes to stay.

Please fire go out and don't come back,
I will always be like this because people will always give me crap,
It will not be the world that takes me out in the end,
It will be the tug and scorch from the fire within.

The pain from the burn that hurts my soul,
Cries and tears that cover and unfold,
Where can I go to let my heart take mount,
I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.

I look for things to satisfy my pain,
But in the end there is nothing that can come from it to gain,
I only burn so much more inside that I can't lift from my knees,
I pray to god, PLEASE GOD PLEASE!

Where can I go to feel whole again,
What did I do wrong that made this life I live a sin,
I think no one cares who I am anymore,
I live alone in a room full of scorn.

I am going to fall with it and I won't have time to shout.
No one will give me water to put the pain I am in out.

I poured a soul inside something that was empty,
The particles of it blended amongst the plenty,
It went past the volumes of blood that filled to the bridge,
Through the chords and tissues that surrendered to it.

With pillows of lungs to suck in the pull,
Boundless barricades it would make full,
The water that rushed through two quarters of your mass,
Plowing with power and forcing like brass.

Laying down the dark is upon,
Hands tingle with the sensation of it being drawn,
The puffs of air that you exhale and see,
The drifts of motion shakes inside to be free.

It reaches and your body paralyzes with milliseconds to spare,
The carbons come with and and your eyes see it there,
Flashes of life lifts beyond apprehension,
Through the dark it floats without remorse,
With a swift movement its off to a new course.

Past the building and amongst the laughing strangers,
They feel the chill that it gives as it lingers,
The allergies they say as the tears roll off their cheeks in its wind,
Making the people feel the pain as it touches them.

The soul remains back above where it briskly drifts away,
Until I pour another soul in hope that it will someday stay.

My soul is weak,
My soul is hurt,
But I wish for it to heal,
So I am able to feel.

Shall you sustain all your efforts on people, or the good of people? Shall god sustain all his efforts on making right, or making the people see righteous? To yearn is to desire strongly and persistently.. that's how I feel about god.

Blue night sky is heading on down, miles are to far,
Its growing up that takes half as much time as knowing to do it,
Treasures I find are losing their shine,
I am chained and unable to find,
My dreams seem to fade with people who take,
My heart is given with this simple serenade.

She looks at me and says that I am different,
Who is she different from the rest that say the same,
I wish for the day when others will not blame,
Courage and honesty takes a lot to confess,
But not the jealousy that will undress.

Is there real or is there fake, love is pure or is it slayed,
Take the knife and cut it down, the tree of love will make no sound,
I give so much and get nothing in return,
Just the awful incinerating burn.

Here I go once again,
Down a lonely path made for one,
I will stay near my children and seek a face in the sun,
The only face that can take me to my light,
Asking it why, when, where, for a bit of insight,

I will let the wind carry me now,
I will let my hands stray aside,
Let my cries bury in the sand,
Let my heart burst into something new,
Because this old one keeps thinking of the people who take,
The people who want something but never thank,
Why wonder anymore,
I should know what they are here for.

Achromatic blue night skies,
Day is done and everyone is gone now,
I don't have trash that they left,
Only marks of their fingerprints on dirty cups,
I will wash them till they shine,
Till I don't feel their presence no more,
Till the meaning of them is dismantled and gone,
I can finally say, so long.

I have stuff to reveal and things that are hidden,
People seem to forget that I am not a normal person,
I have a past that holds me back,
I have responsibilities that will forever last,
I am not a kid and will not succumb to childish ways,
The blue night skies are here, and I long driven through those days.

I have fallen in love and been spit out,
I have had friends who thought they knew me but got to scared,
I know more then what they think,
I know why they leave and believe,
Time will get them far and keep them going,
But time is the essence of not really showing,
They are slipping and falling through cracks,
Their days of fun will not last.

No more surprises and no more pain,
I have been through this and the blue skies are beginning to rain,
I will take my kids and leave from here,
Till the pain will subside and the cries will only be a tear.

I scream for joy that I found out,
That people are not what I am all about.

Blue night sky, take me home.

What is the bottom of the gun, with ash and dust that create a blur,
Words filled the air and expose a man undone from his musky beard,
Take down a flag and fill it with love he says,
Why should love be filled in a flag that has no meaning and praise,
With not enough tears to unfold between its creases,
And not enough weight to bear down all the problems that the atmosphere consists,
I could sit down and start with a " because", but the paper would become a list.

Lacking experience you can not say,
Wouldn't a controversy start this way,
With my heart on your face, I could walk far but you'd still have my disgrace,
My life was made in a book long before,
With paragraphs now missing and pages now torn,
" Why can't you see that this world is all the same?"
I looked at the man who said I was drained,
I knew my soggy eyes were down in pain,
But how could he say that the world was all insane.

I said I am hurt and it comes and goes,
The man looked unamused and said everyone knows,
Is it true when you are down many can see it upon your frown,
The blue circles you round your body in,
Floods your soul in things you begin but always end.

I say what is left to lose when I have done enough,
Failing is my problem and my trying is rough,
" I think you took my words in different means."
The man said with a grin of many things,
He spoke to me and dawn apeared at what he said,
The words unraveled with what he blessed.

I let the beauty that never fades flicker in my heart so wide,
I know I make things harder for myself sometimes,
But it is alright to keep thinking beyond what you may say,
The man with beard was right in his ways.

The world is all the same.

" This is just a moment when things will get hard,
but it is the devil trying to take you from the things you were meant for."

I knew this long before,
But with the mans wisdom in his voice, it just meant more.

What is the point in being beautiful when you have no true friends,
I fend for myself and learn that people can be different,
Often times I let my heart get caught in a hunt,
The pain is stepped on with people who want fun,
What can I do when I am left with little words to say,
Abused and controlled till my very last day.

I sing when I am underneath it all,
The flood of feelings that trouble my soul,
Will I find a lover that keeps me without wrangling my intentions,
Will I find a friend that wants me for my creations,
I swing by and see simple sentences that never have a period at the end,
Just me dangling over, holding on to fend.

I give my everything to people I love,
But my heart still collapses, and it's still not enough,
There is a figure in the doorway,
Telling me to go away,
I told him I still want to see life and I still want to see tomorrow,
He tells me no one would want me, why should I follow.

Is this what I get for the mistakes I have made,
Is this what happens to people that have hopeless fates,
Dreams fallen and thrown to the curb,
Prayers unanswered and unheard.

I want to cry and will not fake this smile no more,
I lost myself and feel hopless and torn.

Something will grab a hold of me eventually,
But maybe the things people say are true,
I am a person lost never knowing what to do.

noncurrent

Why should this day be lamentable with slow motion clocks,
Scenery ephemeral with naught to be sought,
I tasted your fire and as it cauterized my tissues,
Deep dark pain in a place to feel misused.

With you I am engulfed in ashes and dust,
I have to give it my all or surely I will combust,
I want no more surprises or guilty phases,
Seeing death through all your faces.

Violent lust, tears my pages that singe at my motive,
Walking apart from the torn muscles, you lack to notice,
Smooth sounds scream their way through,
Boards are black inside a empty sun endued.

You grab my hand and swing it near,
I feel pressure of the beguiled kiss you made dear,
And falling back you let me drift close,
On fields of dreams you arose.

I was alone and broke down a lot,
Felt my hands cry and my heart grow a clot,
Till the pain subsided and you told me you were it,
The person to be here when depression hit.

I hope we never get separated and keep running on,
Keeping together through the darkest nights and brightest dawns.

The clocks turned back and I had one more chance,
To be inside your heart and for us to lock hands.

Eyes

When I see you all I need is hope,
That someday there will be a time when I can see torrents fill the skies,
The skies will be drunk with depth and pain,
Then just as the sun does, it will evade and destroy the rain,
But yet my words are taken away from me,
And you take them in your own godly greed.

With many things flying by, will one get caught and stay upon my cloth,
Wrapped on my string and bring hope before I get lost,
I let the decreasing amounts of desire let loose on my eyes,
The more and more I distinguish a lust, the rush is full upon the skies.

I am breaking piece..

by piece..

and hands over my knees.

I will let out my anguish when this is all no more,
For my love will disappear and my heart will be torn,
I know that this will not last like all the rest,
Piece by piece the pain will invest.

I think I have a problem,
It may be you and it may be me,
It may be the many I give into and seek.

Why are lessons hard to learn,
Why can't I compare from what I have been through,
And thoroughly realize and discern,
What love feels like when it is lost and spewed.

Take me away from your skies,
The sun will come and open your eyes.

This is not a person for you,
They will hurt you like the rest you placed unto.

Piece by piece and lust by lust,
This could be the end, but I can never say enough.

Sphere

Take these tips and make it slide down your back,
Feel the pain I feel and yours that collapsed,
On hardened grounds that fall through a trap,
The pillows are gone and the plummet will crack,
My hands will not catch and it will hurt,
Plead for me not, for I will be pure.

I know this takes me a long time to figure out,
When will I be in love when there is to much to surround,
Why can't I be alone every now and then,
Is it silence that lengthens my pen,
This is the day when I see you in my head,
Making me feel longful and mislead.

I cried hours tonight and the sheets are drowning with me,
Finding my way to a land where I can stand,
Can only be permitted if I take your despised hand,
I want to get lost and take a walk where no one has conquest,
Where I can feel the true feelings of my heart undressed.

I live somewhere I know you don't know of,
You can not see through this spherical of love,
That is to deep for you to break apart,
For many have broken and crumbled my heart.

It has used its genes to create a plaster effect,
Layers and layers to deflect,
The death of my life has been long gone,
Why try to take my breath away,
When it has already been done.

I know that you are the love of my life,
But why should I give in when my heart will never feel right.

The vision

Lifting up like a lifeless leaf that floats down a river,
The trees play with my lashes that quiver,
Soft rotten dirt lays under my bosom,
Can you see the image that glooms,
Sets me in this patch and rides me to detatch,
Ground and trees get far,
My life passes by and this is where it starts.

Thinking this will just dissipate and come back as my ceiling,
With my sleep deprived mind and disbelieving,
Why is the greens turning away to my pulse,
Faster ... faster.. it is torched,
When will the clouds come and Eden appear once more,
Take me with one and pray for this scorn.

I see the people and they are burning under this fire,
Incinerating with there skin inside the heart of this deep,
Take my hand and maybe they will live,
But my feet are stuck as well, why can't I give,
The trees are closing in and my hope is becoming inflamed,
Feeling all that they feel... all of their pain.

But the cold is coming forth,
Would this be okay.. for them to be rescued from this curse,
I see the light and it shines on through,
The screams they are creating are renewed,
Given this last chance to show how much they hurt,
With every bark and every leaf upon what they churn.

They burned because of the pain that they gave,
The light shone... but nothing was saved.

Lone

How much it has been hard, the blank expressions that faze,
Walking slower and slower down this rummaged hall,
Making my power to this pain fall.

This simple door will be an opening to your dreams,
What if I open and my body is diseased,
My ends are tied and my heart abides,
Been around the block and seen how it is to die,
But I am at peace and disturb me you'll try.

Cleansing all this pain will take a packet of rocket salt,
To burn the change that will exalt,
God this has been a landslide,
But prelude this kiss will hide,
Wounds dig deep to make blind.

I liked it when I had a place to keep my thoughts,
But being alone makes me feel lost,
Can I cope with but a lantern and a whisper,
Making sure that the darkness won't entrance my imaginary visitor.

I know this makes no sense to you,
How much pain I usually go through,
But its here and it stays,
So kiss me goodnight and make it go away.

Here she is...

The room is wide with a draft from above, 18 inches across and 20 inches long were the vents perimeter. When I entered I felt an imbalance, as if you were walking down a long hallway and began to feel light headed. I let the room carry me to her. I sat down near a sweater that wasn't mine. She had shorter hair then me and looked quite pale at this point. Her elf like features gave her a surreal sort of beauty. The beauty was fading though. It only made me wonder what gods intentions were for this child. Why did he let her be here on this molted ball we call earth. What was his point?

" Why do you have lipstick on?" she yelled across the yard.
I looked at her with a curiosity at her remark, I said my lips were made that way from eating to many choke berry's. She asked what they were, but I said they don't have anymore. In truth they really didn't have them anymore, they were only seasoned in my days. I grabbed her hand with a twirl of her hair accross my forearm and took her inside the house.

She was one of those children that would stare at you with an innocent smirk. As if you had something on your face but really they just wanted to get a reaction out of you. It was different with Aeriel though. She would look at you and smile, then when she got tired of staring she would hug you. I thought her actions and the way she gave you those hugs was so angelic of her.

Aeriel is an orphan. I met her seven months ago. She is nine years old and has a condition. I knew she had this condition to begin with, but there was this aura inside her eyes that I just wanted to be a part of. When I adopted her I was given instructions and for warning that she may not make it past a year. She seemed to have more life in her then any adult I have seen. She exuded beauty and intelligence. As soon as I made eyes on her I knew she was a part of me.

" What is this?" that was her favorite phrase. She loved to question things and test reality. One day when I took her home she asked why there was no fish in the pond we had. I told her that I could never keep up with fish, plus the creatures might eat them. The next day I found two fish in the pond. I asked her where she got these fish, she said that the cat promised it would not eat it. I laughed at a lot she did, she never asked only insured me that everything would work itself out.
Aeriel was easy to get along with, she gave happiness and smiles to anything she would encounter. Which it made it very easy for her to grow attached to me and me to her. I would watch her as she would sleep sometimes. The hard in and outs she would inhale and exhale... seemed so healthy for a few months. The fourth month grew into deep respiratory problems, but I still could only see the beauty in her sleep. The dreams she danced to under her eyelids.

"Can I get a unicorn?" She started to ask this around the fifth month. It was not one of those make believe wanting from a child, but she persisted with serious composure. She wanted this horse with a horn so badly. I decided that I would paint her ceiling in a fairy tale theme. When it was complete she would see her unicorn every time she would fall to sleep. Aeriel never cried, nor did she whimper. When she was asleep she would have tears that would fall down her face though. I could tell that she had some inner trouble that needed to be released. Whenever she would look at her unicorn she would smile though. Every time before sleep she would smile at me then the unicorn and back at me again. I loved her.

The mornings were my favorite because she would come to me before I would wake up and play with my hair lightly. I would never notice till I would wake up. She said that I would be dreaming so quietly that she could hear the water dripping from the kitchen sink. Little wise crack she was too. She was the only thing that made me smile, and maybe I could relate to those tears she never shown. Maybe that's why I needed her.

It's not that I am not able to have my own child, it is just that I chose her before I could even try and have one. She was something that I would never be able to conjure up. Gods most prized delicacy I would call her.

" Why is he on the ground?" She saw a man with a bucket in his hands. I told her he didn't have a house or a job because something went wrong in his life. She looked at me briefly with a silence that lasted five minutes. She grabbed the man by the hand and told him that god made him to move and god made him to eat. She smiled at him and gave him a hug. The man picked himself up and said she was right. I never saw that man beg again. She made miracles happen.

When I walked into the room it was cold and not made for someone like her. I took my jacket off and placed it on her feet. She was not moving, only her head was angled at my face. She gazed painfully in my eyes and my heart was so dead at that point. She still smiled at me as her featurs fell off her. I felt a tear roll onto my hand as her eyes began to wilt up. I said it was okay to cry now.. it's okay to feel this way. She held my hand tighter and asked if I could take care of the fish, I smirked at her. She smiled again, but this time it went away. Her pulse growing slower.

" What is this?" She looked unreal, as if seeing right through me to another place in time. I felt her shake and her pulse pause. Tears started to streak off my face and melt with hers. I whispered and pulled closer to her face, " It's a nice place, and someone is waiting for you there. He will take care of you and play with you all the time." She smiled and her eyes fell shut. Her release of her hands made my hands grow tighter around her wrist.

I loved her, and god made her here not because he wanted to curse her, but to show miracles can come true. She was someone that gave life to things that were hopeless. I let go of her hand and laid a stuffed unicorn in replace. I stayed near her bed till the nurse arrived.

This is the mutiny of mercy,
Severed branches lay vertical and set free,
With cuts that run through a closed canal,
What is the calm under this bloody sky,
I will find interaction where I sink inside,
Upon this dirt road I can not stand it anymore..

Invent..

Inventing a soft silk that will wrap around my mouth,
While my hands are psychopathic, with reasoning to doubt,
Crucifying my thoughts in a fire that blazes,
I will keep my hold study, as I wrap it upon other faces,
Look at this frog that needs to leave,
I will obliterate you with my iron staff till you bleed,
Like the skies that will cease to exist,
A continuum that will never persist.

I am followed in a dark place and still there is this shadow,
It will not speak of it's meaning or budge to go,
Liking the pain that creates beside my roam,
Ripping intently on bright pure colors,
Seeking more hurt onto others.

Invent..

Inventing a place for people to protest,
That years and years have not been best,
Notice that you can not be alone,
Humming the same song,
Where can you call home?

Blood paves the skies and the streets,
Will it be washed or will it come after me...

Somebody needs to come and find a way,
Just to stop the stalker of all this pain.

My watch says it is five when really it is a week before. The brick walls are going to barricade me inside and keep my chained with its iron metal bars. I can feel tension under my wrists and the gnawing of my flesh. The moon is gone and the sun has disapeared. Every time I open my eyes my lashes are thrashed by the cold dramatic air. I can distinct the loud impounding sounds of detonation. I want to scream but there is not enough air to capture the sound. So I rock myself back and forth, as my wrists are bleeding thoroughly down the sides.

My hearing is losing its volume as the explosions are dying down and the ringing in my ear drums is increasing. I can feel my eyes turn into two lifeless black holes. There is nothing for me to do but pray that I will be okay or that the torture will be over. I can slide my bare feet over the drips of blood I am creating on the floor under my chair. Then I grab the bars of my chair harder as I sense something find me in this darkness.

I can't see a thing with the cloth lining wrapped securely on my eyes. The air felt chilled as it swept over my scalped head. I got goosbumps and blade like hair on my arms as the thing came closer. I prayed it I would be someplace else at that point. Then my wrists were cut lose and as if I was amputated I felt the free tension release from my hands. I laid my wrists on my lap and did not move or budge. I knew if I moved it would come after me anyways. So I waited as my breath sunk in my empty lungs.

The gellid room bacame abruptyly silenced and frightening then ever. I was so afraid, but I knew that after the pain there will be light. I still had my hands open upon my lap, and the coldest most strikingly frigid thing was placed in my palms. I was already numb and continuously bleeding from my wrists, but this liquid that flowed over my hands was so violently freezing.

The thing came closer and I knew it was not talking but I could hear its thoughts for some reason. I was being controlled by it to take this cold object and shove it in my chest. I tried to scream but I still had no breath or motive to try and understand why. I was on my last thread and was ready for whatever it wanted me to do. I said I would never be able to do it in my head. The thing took my hands and a hurdling implosion upon my chest made a huge bang inside the cell walls. I now knew what those explosions were, and the cold unknown object made a hole straight through my rib cage. The thing had its presence still upon me and the hole suddenly sealed back up with a quick cold touch.

The beating strartled me. It was loud at first but then it subsided to a slow calm melody. It was like having a music box inside my chest. The thing took my hands and placed it over my chest. I could feel the coldness inside and it hurt. It was so painful that I wished the thing would have killed me already. I fell to the ground and cradled myself into a ball. The thing picked me up and undid my blindfold. The light crept under my eyelids as I could see that it was never dark but it was like a heaven in a way. With trees everywhere and a playgound in the distance. The thing was not a thing but a man with a beautiful red top hat covering his eyes.

I could read his thoughts and knew what he had placed inside me chest. He took my hands and leaned in to whisper, " Be careful with this one this time."

I nodded and walked away with a colder heart, but knew what to do this time with it.

The heart is a fragile thing.

Oh please blankets that hug me nightly,
Let me yell into you the things I can not say,
When I can't look at someone in the eyes,
Or pass every unknown soul and think I am the lowest of low,
Please let me yell and tell.

I want to take this time and cry my eyes,
The things that stay deep inside,
How the world is so big and I feel so small,
My head is always spinning and my knees are ready to fall.
Please let me get out this empty shaking,
The lonely depth of black holes I have been making.

My hair can cover my dreary eyes and my silenced mouth,
The weather can be bright but the place I am in always has a cloud,
I would feel love every now and then, but eventually it would go away,
I would be back in my dark tunnel crying and afraid.

Please make sure I do not feel,
When times get hard and I can not deal,
I have under and down and been having enough,
Because no one will stay or show me true love.

I miss feeling safe and happy,
I want to laugh with you but I forget how,
I wish there was answers I can protest,
But with this translucent tape, my mouth creates no sound,
And I get no rest.

I want love again and know I won't be let down,
But who would want me, someone without sound.

Blankets that cradle me in the night,
Can I yell into you the things that taunt me in fright,
Can I scream into you the many things I can not say,
Can I let out the hurt that makes me cry everyday.

The nails are falling to the ground,
As anchor drifts to the deep sea,
The moon falls in a bucket next to me,
And all I there is can be black.

Why move..

My nails are dirty and I won't wash them,
I have no money because there is no push,
My tiny sneaker was left under the bed,
The animals want to come climb to my canopy instead.

Why move...

My dream catcher is on a ledge,
I have makeup splattered in blood on the floor,
The closet is closed because I am afraid of the gouls and ghosts,
But the knives spread out on the counter are close.

Why move..

Twenty or something has been on the line,
Dropped and left on the ring, with my life on a dime,
Paper clip-outs with bits of glue on my veins,
Passenger side yelling and pain.

Why move...

The ten feet turn to hundreds of pounds on my lungs,
The walls are my best friend with the smell of propane guns,
My will is written on a paper that was burned,
Which way would I lead, the day is unconcerned.

Why move...

My eyes are closed everyday,
Muscular degeneration may abrupt my way,
But the crib is up high and the screams are low,
The thing inside my chest that beats - may explode.

Why move..
When I didn't know if I would live,
Why move..
If I had no voice or could withstand what you did.

Why move?

So much...

I am going to tell you that this dark has been a month,
Scream inside a dream that never overcomes,
How can someone look at you and feel nothing through a scream,
As you smell the irony of how much pain you breath in,
Go today and leave the lover you once knew,
The others will go away, but what else can you do.

This night is death,
It's undeveloped,
Lights flicker,
Your face is thicker,
But there is death,
I feel lonely,
Unadvised,
Please whisper..

Am I the one that will make your heart bleed,
Dance with you and make you leave,
Can I be the night and you be the day,
So it will be eventful when you grow astray,
Be true to me and say those words,
Make me sink in my throat,
I have no more hope.

My name will be absent for years and years,
But with flashes in your memory you will feel those tears,
Seeing what we had and be mournful for the death,
When you looked at me as I took my last breath.

How is love equal to the things you did,
I held my shaking hands and wished you never lived.

I was so much..

With rushing waters rinsing on my eyes I could see the bridge compromise,
With my pain down below this pine an oak,
Look at the swift movements of the dove fluttering on by,
With its highest reach above the world, and crusades through ebony skies.

Yearn for me oh dove that sings, silent emits of its serenade,
The extravagance of the buildings and the turquoise silver bells,
Could not compare to the love inside this doves lovely breasts of quilt,
Bend me down to the ivy of eve, make me dream.

I let the dorms and white branches take hold of my woven sweater,
Engulf me inside its warmth and take me somewhere better,
Climbing on pebbles that turn into rocks,
I don't need a compass for god will help me from lost.

Feel me and let me feel, dove shall take me under its wings,
Tears fall down into the soil as I let it bring,
Solitude among these grounds is holy and great,
Drifting though without all my pain.

World with so many tribulations and doubts,
With this place, I will move farther into my destined cloud.

The warm vanilla, not the kind that swarms inside a closed room, but the kind that freshens the air and lets you think of old memories. I let this scent hold deep inside my head for a few moments, making me delirious.

I walk and the barn in the distance seems to be getting farther then closer. Cliffs came into place and I could see a man kneeling against this old wagon. He looked at me weary and without animation. I took my hand and angled it so I could say hello, but the weight of my hands became immensely heavy. I let my frustation of this die with the next problem of walking. My knees started to feel like the ground was eating it up. I stood tall but my legs were sinking inside my chest. I tried to speak for the man to help, but my voice was soft and sweet like valentine babies. I wanted to get out of wherever I was.

When my arms were pressed against my sides and my heart felt like the moon was using it's gravitational force to carry it away. I could see the man just staring at me wondering why I was distressed. I felt like he could have been mentally ill for not trying to help me.

As my head was dreary and my life seemed to be falling before my eyes, the surrounding changed again. The cliffs turned into flat lands of long cherry orchards. I was still sinking to my disposal until my heart pumped long deep beats. The man came closer to me and I thought he was out of his mind. I tried to jolt back but I was numb to my sides. The curve of his hands grabbed one of mine and I was let lose a light limber note. He grabbed the other and rested it on his right shoulder. Then he let go of my other hand and grabbed my hair losely in his rigid hands. He swiveled my face to one side and I could smell the blossoms blooming as he creased his lips one by one on my cold cheek. He let go of both my hands and grabbed my jaw bone lighty cradling and kissed me intently to deepen my heart beat. My legs were able to stand now, but he made me gravitate to kneel and lay in the field. He kissed me from my collar bone and grazed his warm hands up and down my spine. I stared into his pastured eyes, and knew I was not dying.. I was in love.

He made me weak in my knees, made my hands grow numb, made my heart sink in and made my eyes see things that made no sense.

We laid there till we had to make the bed.

If I never fell in love would I still feel,
Irrelevant and alone, unable to heal.

Seeking in this box for the answer to come,
Twsiting the ballerina to play it's last song.

Tell me if I never heard your voice or felt you cry,
Would my love still be implied.

The plastered blank walls I look to everyday,
Making invisible pictures of your mournful gaze.

Can this love be erased and put aside,
Because the pain it here, like black ink that spilled to much to hide.

This is where I want to be,
Don't bother me right now because I will cry,
Cuddled under soft mountains and angelic skies,
Wanting to go back and thinking of before,
Lying beneath and daydreaming of no more.


I flutter my lashes and pick up my skirt,
Let the wind drift and feel less hurt,
I think and think and stop all together,
Because what is the moon without the stars,
Who would I be without all my scars..

I want to fly

I am going to climb a cliff,
The reflection I see in the pristine waters above,
Will be filled with past laughter and unfilled love,
But down here as I walk,
I stumble and fall - always getting lost.


Getting older and seeing the lines on my hands,
They etch a story and they tell to much,
I think the things I appeal to- whither my touch,
Though my shoes are narrow and my ears are small,
I can see right through intentions and know if it's worth it at all.

I want to fly

The wind picks up once more,
Carries me under the slit through the door,
Lets me see things that are not there,
Tells me I can do it, but would I really care,
If it gave me weightlessness and shows me where to go,
If I give all my heart and not even know..

Blind as can be,
Imprisoned or free...

" You can fly if you believe."

I look over and your not there,
This bed seems to empty now, and the stories it tells is aggravating,
I let my face loosely lay and remember all those days,
Last year we held hands and now it slowly has erased.

Whats left to lose anymore,
I have gave all the smiles that could be given to you,
On this edge I feel the smoke wrap my heart,
Will you come back and relieve what we part.

I was sick a week ago and it was a relief,
The struggle to cough and the strain to move,
Made me think more on the illness rather then the pain of you.

Sunset is down and it has been down most of everyday,
Prove me god this is to be taken in vein,
Last year was my time where I felt alive,
But why bury me under, and take me back to die.

Echo the simple steps that we took together,
How it was so easy to be with you then another,
Was this the answer to the break down we had,
If we bandaged the sorrow, do you think it would last.

This life will either take me down with the problems it gives,
Or the memories of you will painfully outlive.

Goodnight babe, as he lastly gives his kiss.
Goodnight hun, as I cry in this empty bed with the memory of his lips.

My hands are crinkling towards the sockets of my dreary eyes.
Mourning for the new coming day, for it has spoken and it has begun.
The bright grands that lay across each crevice of the sun sink lightly over the noon.

Look at the skies and I will perish,
because this day has come when the birds can no longer sprout a song.

The first majestic blush that shimmered over the blue was proud and confident.
The confidence overcame with hedonist movements towards the opposition,
For then the skies turned many unknown colors and bloomed a new lust.
This was the beginning of a eternity of a shared blunder.

The days created the flashes of light through the skies,
Dances over the hills in different maroons and indigo hues,
The birds peered through the forests and could only gander in spiteful inspections,
In these weeks the clouds moved entwine,
Worried jays sang a farewell.

When the gusts would come close, the opposite would hush the blow,
The combination of these skies would keep in the mercy of each other,
Ever shall they part will the nights turn to twilight skies with empty stars,
Then the passing winds would move back to the corners they intruded.

The birds today were silent,
No awaking and no crowded chanting,
Only sightless glistens through the trees.

Many felt it and could see it up above,
The bright skies have turned upon each other,
What had happened to the lust that paraded over the blue,
The opposite thundered in its ego,
As the airy white breath flusted in circles among the land.

It seems as though the black has bled the hands of the air,
Created sinful residue and showered the remains over the hills,
Deceit climbed from the skies of other frontiers and made a storm,
Forgetting that each had passion for another in the days of the sun.

The rain began to pour, and the sin that channeled,
Risen in the clouds, as the birds remained mute.

I opened my eyes, and could see that jealousy killed the skies.

Never will I trust so easily again.

When someone has joy they bring others it can brighten enhance a shine upon their face, or it can work the other way around. When someone is happy you either are wanting to be near that person, or you envy that person. When you don't see that happiness anymore, watching them fall apart, seeing no more random laughter, would you walk away or show them happiness once again.


Still she sits there, with her hands folded across and her feet fashioned firmly with ease. I noticed her when she and I were in grade school. She always wore the pressed jeans and bleached white shirts. She was a image of perfection, and she was nice as well. Nice in meaning that she was always generous and beyond caring. She was the last person that I thought would come and say hello to the new girl. She came right up and asked if she could be my friend.

I have known her since then, for six years. She is still the same spark of beauty and glory as ever. Whenever I would look at her as she spoke with so much grace and passion, she made others smile. You could see her tell stories of her church, which made her an even honorary person to look up to. The way every move she made seemed to be so easy for her, like it were an expression of godliness.

I was not her best friend or even the closest, but she always gave random chats with me every now and then. I would cherish those times she would talk to me, because so many vented upon her attention. I sometimes wished I could be her. She was so deep within life, so balanced with everything she did, yet so happy with everyday she awoke.

With her eyes looking to the passing cars and her hands held on my shoulders, she told me with a serious smile..

"A new tree will grow with its first leaves, roots and stems. Then when the tree can no longer grow those stems and shed those first grown leaves, they are cut from the gardener. The gardener cuts it down to very blunt stubs. The tree has a choice. It can either grow those stems and make new leaves, or stay a stub with sparse branches and few leaves. The tree the grows, will flourish with stronger roots and greener leaves. "

I was in need of some cheering up that day, and she knew just what to say to me.

I watched her after a few months though. She became a different person. There were days when she came to school and other days when she didn't. I could make out something different about her, and she was no longer smiling. The cheerful person I always knew, was fading.

I came up to her one day and asked her what was the matter, but she just nudged her head and gave a smirk to calm my worries. I gave her a hug and she gave me a silenet grasp. She looked at me under the sun filled skies, and her eyes created clouds. When she walked away from me as I watched her lead on the path to her house, I could not see the brightness that shown through her presence. She was lost and I didn't know what to do. I watched her leave all the happiness with so many others and the sorrows with herself. I wished I could have told her something that day.

Her happiness made other trees grow. She made others stronger and helped them live life with passion and resilience.

She will always be rememebered.


" A person can either let the world take them down, or let the world give them stregth. When you get cut and become depressed, if you choose to prevail you can flourish brighter then you ever have."

I would like to tell you something,
My heart has been aching with emptiness of nothing,
Desperate and hurt is what I feel,
It makes me depart from what is real.

I try and tell you what makes me cry,
But what is the use when it makes me rely,
On pain that urges from inside this room,
If you could see, if only you knew...

Becuase I care and feel the love,
Still deep in my heart I don't want it to be enough,
Don't you feel what we had,
Mistakes may come, but why should we become sad.

I cry for you becuase I loved you,
If you could see, if only you knew..

There is many who believe that living is a part of your skin and the creations you lead upon. The others believe that living consists of emotions that must be silenced.

The saturated gray cement slipped shyly under my sneakers, and my pants mulched with the slippery fluid. I held onto my flimsy bag and could hear the empty air and faraway voices. I let my pant legs drag under my sneakers as it soaked up the water from the various puddles. My mind was full of arguments and disorderly thoughts. I could see my mother asking for daily help, and my father arguing the same. Three jobs was enough, but I was the provider for my enthusiast drugged family.

The cold water made me shiver, and it was so far from my house. I kept walking, but the silence of being alone and the aggravating struggles of going to the next challenging struggle made it less of a motivated effort for me. My palms have been stuck near my face the whole time, it will freeze if it is not. I kept walking in order to feel my toes.

I feel my thoughts overcoming my heart. It hurts to think of when this will end. When I can live in a normal place without being hurt in the middle of the night, or screams within my numb ears. My thoughts are getting deeper and the rain is pouring harder. I can't see the end of this path anymore. Will it ever end?

When I start to ripple the water with my feet a little more slower, I feel a sudden clutch over my shoulder. I am pulled with an urgent force and nailed down to the water without a hope. I want to fight back, but I felt inside that there was no use. The water soaks over my body and the man yells words uncomprehending with the loud thunder of rain.

I look at him with dreary eyes. Tired of the day and tired of my life. I tell him to see...

I pull back my sweater sleeves and bruises line my wrists to my elbows distant point. I see that he gives no remorse, so I pull my pant legs up and wounds deep to my bone are wrapped in bandages and gauges. His head moves to the side. I then take off my jacket and take off my shirt and show him my torn and broken body. The blue and black race of my soul. He starts to whimper for not me but for himself.

I gravitated towards him and held him while he and I (strangers) drowned our problems unknown until the rain stopped and the tears became salt dust.

I kept walking, and living. Not in silence, but in thunder.

When the vertical streams of fiery swooning florescence beams upon the ambiance of that day, I still feel the breathing, I still feel the rush of blood rising through my nostrils, I still feel the tears that washed my face with salt and burnt like alcohol. I know what happened, but why would I know. Why would I explain what happened when it's not true in my own mind.

My hands are frozen and my eyes are boiled over. The status of where I am- to far for anyone to comprehend. I see the green hills and the maple trees. The natural lights swirving in different directions, all leading north. Over each hill there is a straight mark down the middle of brightness. The green blue colors of the sparse trees make the fence lines fade out. I only see the loneliness of this. I only see the empty spaces in between. I only see the lonely person sitting on top of the hill and seeking compassion among millions and billions of rebellion people.

I almost see the end point.

The way you looked decoded what you felt. Kissing me on my head to make me feel better. This will not make me feel any better then the first memory of you kissing me. I can see your okay, and it makes me less of myself. Be hurt, just as you hurt me. The cold is not cold anymore, it is chilling and fearful. I don't know what happened in my own mind.

I let the world have me after that. The movements you made me make were earthquakes upon my life. Moving everything out of order, and much time is needed to rebuild.

You cared for me when I was sick, and you helped me when I was lost. You helped me cope with day to day problems, and you kissed me goodnight even when you were not here. I miss you, but that must be erased as well.

Time is moving slow, but when you said your last words, they stopped completely. The seconds turned into years, and the hours turned into decades.

I will cry tonight, till I see your face in my dreams.

Green acres will take me on a ride,
Down the valley I will distance myself to hide,
Beyond the places that I knew so well,
I wonder not why the lonely lights propel.

Through bleeding of the red yellow skies,
I will say so long, and sit till a new day will arise,

The calignous rush screams through a jar,
I let deep downs from my skin scrape off and seal the envelope,
I wrote you a long letter, but why give it to such a darkened soul.

This is a star that will never twine to the memories again,
Feeling soft nude skin, will be wounded with goodbyes,
I only wish my head will sleep well,
But the anger that slips through to dispel,
Will make me fall to my hearts kill.

I am going to rob you blind tonight,
Everything you have will be mine,
Your eyes will be covered,
Your dreams will be lost,
I will be your lover that became an enemy at cost.

I like the ocean when it's as deep as this,
Where I can taste your sour intentions,
But your face is being remarked to lessen,
This infectious thing you do,
Will die with me and you,
like the laugh that you facade,
That rages like a loonatic parade.

Desire me no more,
I will pull your pain and make it my gain,
The life you chose with me will be a act of shame,
Yellow stickers will place upon your life,
You will be a disaese that many would stir away and rather die.

Seconds shadow in the tomb of your gruesome destruction,
I will pour out your ahes, till your nothin....

This thought

Its time to be awake now,
Reality awaits and the component you have been lacking is yourself,
I marched down the aisle and I lost my soul,
Everything given and nothing to hold.

This will be the last exhale and inhale you will see,
The day I breathe will be the day you believe me,
I have this dream and it rotted with so much pitted desolate darkness,
I would like to forget what I wished long ago, but in frequent silence it is reminisced.

This curse that places on my shoulders is hard to release,
I will try and push hard, but the weight is never freed,
Trafficking my heart to the many lonely nights,
When I think it may get better but instead I bury, kneel, and cry.

For what I must do!

For what I must do!

This place you put me at is hidden and scares my abused mind,
I am cutting the pain and letting the blood become pure and defined,
Where the marks will be sure to let you see,
I am alive and need to be freed.

I can't be in this darkness anymore,
The dreading discussions with the shadows on the floor,
I will part them now with my tired departure,
Then as I am dragging, there will be no more.

Only these times when the cries seem to reappear, For the pain will never cease, it will only create fear.

How could I live with myself when I left you there,
On the edge of high roads and despair,
Just tell me what you want me to say,
I will get down on this guilty trip, down on me knees and pray.

Please tell me dear what this means,
The end of such blitheness turned into .." Hush don't breath."
I hope this is just something many go through,
Pain that caught me unaware that I never knew,
What this is may be what you want,
But please forgive for what I have done.

I will not find your kiss, it will be retentive,
The things you have been, will be hard to not see and still live,
Tell me what I can do or is it to late,
My love I will never be the same,
Please take me off this pedestal of pain.

I care not for the days that were rough and pleading,
It is you, for the witnesses will be decreeing,
Take your hands and let them lye,
You will see the love within my moribund eyes.

I felt the lucid water sink in my throat,
And as he forgave, he strangled my hope.

He died and lives

The spikes were situated crosswise from each other. The tight knotted ropes barricaded on either side of the gravitating spikes. The stone hedges circled the center where it was placed. The pillars were high and distant from the monument. The guards placed outside and inside. The individuals placing duty were beyond the courtyard. He was placed upon the outer base of the centered stone hedge.

The soft numb skin of his back blared before every soul. The tender likeness he consisted of was being held in the hands of the guards. He was untouchable and never pardoned with a pitiful glare. No one asked if he was apparent of what was happening, he knew, and he wanted it. The air was chilled and his bare chest took a deep breath before the beginning and the end of the torment to the unsaved people.

He looked at her and stood against the stone. When he straightned his posture he grasped his stregth, showing in his veins and angling upon his spine. The whispers of the many who were lost violently and silently clustered in his thoughts. He could only seek out the many but see the one woman who helped him seek the many. He never shed a tear, only shivered for the hell that lived here.

The breath he took was broken with the heathenish slash. Over and over, till the sins of many were ripped open over his back. He lifted every time ten slashes embedded, then took another breath. The ribs were shown and the blood flooded in gallons. No human could endure this magnitude of pain and suffering. The millions of humans could though, and he had the millions inside him. This was only the beginning.

Life took on the days of saved and found.

Bright

" Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere that I can feel safe, from myself, and everything else."


I looked up upon the midnight hozion, and the sun beamed low over the small moon. I got up from my watery bed lays, and drifted towards my window. I peaked over the balcony and heard my mothers and fathers voices whisper behind the paper thin walls. I could see dark fog and a figure in the midst. I heard my fathers voice rise and shatters inside another room. I looked through my transparent curtains and could feel the frigid breeze carry my skin on a lucid ride. Then the figure that hovered near my window pane came for my hand. I heard screams and rattles at my door knob. My hand reached for the unknown figure, and the winds took me with it.

I held on tight to this figure as it carried me to a place I was unsure and yet not remotely frightened. Amidst the darkness and through the abyssal I could make out glimmers of bright beautiful colors. Then what seemed to be Christmas lights turned into white purity on top of a rooftop. Chimneys were below my feet as we rose higher and higher. The trees of willows and spruce turned into a sea of pines and oaks. I felt the moon against my light skin, the shadows hug my hair and eyes.

The velocity we were going was brilliant. The fast radical of the different angles was making me feel free. I could sense the desserts sweet sands slip under my toes and the cool calm tones of the forest greens take my heart on a humid hill. We reached so far through unknown territories. I still had no idea what this fogy figurine was, but I enjoyed it's company.

The cave was dark but it took me through it. The chlorine smell with granite and disulphide hidden in its caverns were invigorating. I was placed on top of a smooth stone and there before me was a glow that could blind you if you stood in front of it. The shadows of the cave hid my eyes from the glow. I felt my knees fall to the ground as I let my heart have it. The effulgence was piercing and painful and it made me whimper. I cried from the joy of being in front of this power and beauty.

The figure went towards the visible light and grasped my hand to take me with. I pulled it back and was frightned to be engulfed by the brightness. The figure silenced my thoughts and as if it were reading my mind told me it will be okay. I cried. I surrendered my hand and walked with the figure. The radiance took over.

" Where do you want to go?" The figure whispered.

"Anywhere that I can feel safe, from myself, and everything else." I asked.

" Welcome to heaven my child." The light answered.